what benefit, what release, what resolve, comes by this for you? how have you, assuming you have, made peace with such seemingly difficult desires?
I have probably written all over the place about how this works for me; how it feels and what it means... Here, and at "The Swan's Heart," there's been a running internal monologue as I've mused about how SM and M/s works in my head and my heart and my soul and my body. If, Traveler (or anyone else for that matter), you are interested in a sampling of the historical ramblings, look here and here and here --
The short answer to the questions asked is that this is quintissentially who I am. I fight it, and I struggle with it. I fear it and I dread it, and there are times when I quite literally hate it and wish it might be otherwise, but I cannot be other. It is me. It is gift in very definitive ways. It connects me to the One that I am called to love more deeply than I can describe. When I am separated from this expression of my erotic nature, I am bereft and flat. I understand that to read of these encouters can be difficult and mystifying for those who do not feel these urges and these drives. I am aware that it can seem strange and extreme to those who do not have this kind of orientation... It is like trying to explain what "blue" is to someone without sight, or to explain a Brahms symphony to one who has never had any sense of hearing.
I get pain, and pleasure, joy and anger, fear and triumph, sadness and security, wonder and weariness. I learn and grow and doubt and know. I am forever unsure and absolutely certain. I am incredibly small and utterly expanded. I am nothing and everything. I chose once -- to have no choice again. It is a path I make in the walking.
swan
dear swan,
ReplyDeletethank you so kindly for your (ever)thoughtful response and links. here is the thread in the knot that resonated loudest:
"I understood that it was better to live free and outcast than to be 'accepted' if that meant I had to live a lie of a life."
my curiosity is three-fold. i am seeking courageous and whole models for making difficult, "unsanctioned" lifestyle choices, and i need to see that peace can be made within one's self, despite the sometimes bitter conflict inside about one's truth. and finally, it is the state you described during & after your switching, the pushing thru past your rage/fear in loss of control, into a state of surrender and receiving i want to better understand. while i am not much of a masochist, i recognize that desire, that process, and i struggle to embrace that within myself.
in short, i'm nosy and want successful examples to try on for size! i appreciate your writing because you look at things i'm interested in, to a depth that challenges me to think in new ways and in language i can relate to.
thank you!
Traveler -- you are most welcome. I am gratified if my struggling serves someone else who walks this path. None of us have exactly the same needs, the same stories, the same vibrations that bring the music from our souls. Still, I know the longing that yearns for the companionship of others who can feel the ebb and flow of the same tidal pulls... So ask your questions -- or email me, and I will share what little bit I have learned along the way.
ReplyDeleteswan
Wow, I have truly found a gem in you and in your blogs that I am just now beginning to actually sit down andr ead, word by word, slowly digesting it all. I have many questions but feel the need to read further before asking, as they may all be answered in the pages before me. But in you I already feel as if I have found a friend, a guide perhaps... one with whom I can share my submissive questions and ponderings.
ReplyDeleteI am submissive to my husband Dante, who loves not only me but another woman (though he does not see her ever, but maintains minimal email contact). I am dominant to all others in my life and have only recently learned that my obsessive need to control everyone and everything (most of all, my Dante) is brought on by my inability to adequately parent my rebellious inner child. (I love her playful, creative, energetic nature but disregarded her fears and insecurities and inner rage and refusal to give up control).
Sorry to be so long-winded. In short, I would love to get o know you further, to pick your brain and more importantly, your heart and soul. I'll email this comment to you, too, in hopes that you may be willing to email me in reply (lil_tggr@yahoo.com).
I'm off to read more, and eagerly!!
Big hugs,
TTFN,
Tiggr
A Spanking Good Time
http://aspankinggoodtime.blogspot.com