The election season is FINALLY ended, and from the standpoint of changing the balance of power within our federal government, the news was surely good (at least from our perspective). I am feeling hopeful, and that was surely not the case two years ago after the election. Still. I find that I have an abiding and deep sadness and hurt that grows with each cycle. It comes from the ever lengthening list of states where there are now laws and amendments that, in one way or another, limit or outright deny the possibilities of marriage or civil union to any but traditional "one man and one woman" couples. Ohio is, perhaps not surprisingly, right up there with the worst of them:
Ohio law states: “A marriage may only be entered into by one man and one woman. … Any marriage between persons of the same sex is against the strong public policy of this state. Any marriage between persons of the same sex shall have no legal force or effect in this state and, if attempted to be entered into in this state, is void ab initio [null from the beginning] and shall not be recognized by this state. Any marriage entered into by persons of the same sex in any other jurisdiction shall be considered and treated in all respects as having no legal force or effect in this state and shall not be recognized by this state. The recognition or extension by the state of the specific statutory benefits of a legal marriage to nonmarital relationships between persons of the same sex or different sexes is against the strong public policy of this state. Any public act, record, or judicial proceeding of this state, as defined in section 9.82 of the Revised Code, that extends the specific statutory benefits of legal marriage to nonmarital relationships between persons of the same sex or different sexes is void ab initio. Nothing in division (C)(3) of this section shall be construed to do either of the following: (a) Prohibit the extension of specific benefits otherwise enjoyed by all persons, married or unmarried, to nonmarital relationships between persons of the same sex or different sexes, including the extension of benefits conferred by any statute that is not expressly limited to married persons, which includes but is not limited to benefits available under Chapter 4117 of the Revised Code; (b) Affect the validity of private agreements that are otherwise valid under the laws of this state. Any public act, record, or judicial proceeding of any other state, country, or other jurisdiction outside this state that extends the specific benefits of legal marriage to nonmarital relationships between persons of the same sex or different sexes shall be considered and treated in all respects as having no legal force or effect in this state and shall not be recognized by this state.”The Ohio Constitution states: “Only a union between one man and one woman may be a marriage valid in or recognized by this state and its political subdivisions. This state and its political subdivisions shall not create or recognize a legal status for relationships of unmarried individuals that intends to approximate the design, qualities, significance or effect of marriage."
Usually, I don't think much about the idea of "marriage." Clearly, ours is not a relationship that is even remotely typical or traditional. But, I just don't feel like there is anything at all about our family that threatens the fabric of society, and I do find it wearing (sometimes) to bear the onus of judgement that society turns on our relationship. It forces a secretiveness and a loneliness that becomes exhausting sometimes. We have to be forever on guard -- ever watchful. So much that others find simple and just "assumed" as part of their right, we cannot do or we have to fight for. It seems unfair; unreasonable; unkind.
I found this Hannah Arendt quote that, I think, sums up the sense I have about this:
The right to marry whoever one wishes is an elementary human right compared to which "the right to attend an integrated school, the right to sit where one pleases on a bus, the right to go into any hotel or recreation area or place of amusement, regardless of one's skin or color or race" are minor indeed. Even political rights, like the right to vote, and nearly all other rights enumerated in the Constitution, are secondary to the inalienable human rights to "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" proclaimed in the Declaration of Independence; and to this category the right to home and marriage unquestionably belongs. [Dissent, Winter 1959]
I found this Hannah Arendt quote that, I think, sums up the sense I have about this:
The right to marry whoever one wishes is an elementary human right compared to which "the right to attend an integrated school, the right to sit where one pleases on a bus, the right to go into any hotel or recreation area or place of amusement, regardless of one's skin or color or race" are minor indeed. Even political rights, like the right to vote, and nearly all other rights enumerated in the Constitution, are secondary to the inalienable human rights to "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" proclaimed in the Declaration of Independence; and to this category the right to home and marriage unquestionably belongs. [Dissent, Winter 1959]
Perhaps it is because I've been feeling more tender, more raw, more fragile these weeks and months. It is harder to walk the narrow edge when you are wobbly. Especially when the edge seems artificial and arbitrary. I don't know that I "want" a marriage in the traditional sense. I've been there and done that -- it wasn't entirely satisfactory.
I do however live with a deep awareness of being "at risk" within the society. Ours is a particularly conservative city. I work in a conservative (and moralistic) environment, and I know that, should the truth of my lifestyle become known, I'd pay dearly in terms of livelihood and social stigma. Most likely, it wouldn't just be me either. We move with great caution in our public lives. Exposure would jeopardize us in ways that are incomprehensible to most "normal" couples.
It is hard not to ask, "why?" What is it that we do that so jeopardizes the rights or beliefs of others as to make it necessary to keep us forever on the outside looking in -- marginalized and ostracized?
I find this statement by the American Friends Service Committee (AFSC), says what I think about the subject quite simply (except for the persistent reference to "couples"): Culture Wars
I do however live with a deep awareness of being "at risk" within the society. Ours is a particularly conservative city. I work in a conservative (and moralistic) environment, and I know that, should the truth of my lifestyle become known, I'd pay dearly in terms of livelihood and social stigma. Most likely, it wouldn't just be me either. We move with great caution in our public lives. Exposure would jeopardize us in ways that are incomprehensible to most "normal" couples.
It is hard not to ask, "why?" What is it that we do that so jeopardizes the rights or beliefs of others as to make it necessary to keep us forever on the outside looking in -- marginalized and ostracized?
I find this statement by the American Friends Service Committee (AFSC), says what I think about the subject quite simply (except for the persistent reference to "couples"): Culture Wars
The queries and challenges raised by the statement are sensible and valid, in my view. Is it just me?
Ultimately, I believe that it will come to pass that we will grow up and understand that loving relationships are not a threat to our society; that families come in all sorts of configurations and that supporting and nurturing that is a good thing and not a bad one. Someday, I hope our society will be strengthened by the power of all those who love and care for the others in their lives who are important to them, and that we will refuse to allow ANYONE to scare us into believing that our own rights or faith or beliefs can somehow be diminished by allowing others to have theirs as well. Someday, perhaps in my lifetime, we as a nation and as a people, will stand up to our leaders and demand that they call us to be the best that is within us rather than leading us into fear and suspicion and hatred.
swan
It bothers me so much marriage/civil unions being denied anyone that wants. As you know from living in Colorado we have big right wing conservative religous groups here and it just saddened me the turn out of against same sex marriages. Like you I was happy democrats took the senate and the house but I am just so ashamed and sad to live in a country that doesn't recognize that love is love.
ReplyDelete