It is terribly confusing living with me, I imagine. I can see it in the baffled looks that I am getting and from the delicate handling that I am receiving... clearly I am crazy.
I disintegrated completely last weekend after a single stroke of the strap, and He let it go -- afraid to push me any further.
I saw my primary care physician on Monday, and got a new prescription for a different anti-depressant. Maybe that will help, although the doctor was quite clear that counseling was imperative. "You are not 21 or 35 -- things change... and you have to come to terms with that." So far, the new medicine mostly makes me queasy. I'm losing weight. Maybe this is good.
I still am not sleeping well. Unless I take benadryl at bedtime, I am usually awake in the middle of the night for two or three hours. It is that "all alone in the dark" time when I spin myself into a tizzy.
I made an appointment with the "shrink" for Tuesday. This person is supposedly "kink-aware." Maybe that will make this easier. I can't imagine talking about any of this to a vanilla person. How can that conversation proceed past the first 10 minutes I wonder? No... the kink aware thing is good. The shrink part makes me physically ill. But there is command propelling it.
Master did take me this morning and take me through a pretty good spanking and paddling and strapping. He made sure He held onto me the whole time -- kept me close and secure. It was better than it has been in a long time. I was not overwhelmed or overcome. I was able to stay and breathe and simply be. At the end, I was a little calmer and a bit relieved.
I am not a believer in SM as the cure for anything, but I am certain that part of what has happened is that He and I have somehow lost touch with one another in a very real sense. I believe that I have created the space that divides us -- that the distancing is my fault. I just don't know how to close the gap. I see and feel and hear the tentativeness in Him and it scares me. When He pulls me in close, I can feel the heaviness that weighs me down lift, and yet I push and fight and snarl and pout. And each time that happens, He retreats even further. Knowing that I'm doing it is not helping me. I can feel the place that needs to be controlled, and I cannot stop the torrent of anger and fear and panic that drives it on.
So. That's sort of where things are. Sort of.
swan
Hi, Swan, You may remember that I work in the mental health field. I encourage you to go to your appointment with an open mind. Most counselors/psychiatrists are there to help you find the solutions that you really do have within yourself, not to tell you what to do. Our culture sends so much "noise" that it's sometimes hard to hear our inner selves, though you do much better than most as your blogging shows.
ReplyDeleteOne suggestion to discuss with your psychiatrist or MD. Consider taking Rozerem for sleep. It's new, non-addicting. It doesn't put you to sleep really fast, but the big advantage is that with use over time, it actually kind of resets the brain so that sleep is more natural. Right now I'm having to work all kinds of crazy shifts-nights one day, days two days later-really tough on a 60+ chronic insommniac. My doc put me on Rozerem and I'm able to stay asleep now even during the day when I've worked the night before. No hangover which I get with Benadryl. It took about a month before I could really tell a big difference. But it works for me. And when you get "normal" sleep, the rest of the problems seem less intense. My doctor says that it's like a souped up melatonin, it's that safe. He firmly expects it to be like Claritin eventually, not even a prescription drug.
Meanwhile, even if I'm not writing, I consider you a very special lady and have kept you in my prayers!
swan.. you know we are thinking of you daily.. hang in there...
ReplyDeletemorningstar (owned by Warren)
"I disintegrated completely last weekend after a single stroke of the strap, and He let it go -- afraid to push me any further."
ReplyDeleteCan I ask, what do you think would have happened if he had pushed?
swan did you read the msn.com story on testosterone therapy?
ReplyDeletehttp://health.msn.com/centers/menopause/default.aspx?GT1=8774
I know your research has been exhaustive, but another article cannot hurt right? I was interested to read of the effects on moods and feelings also.
Hang in there, we are all hanging in there for you too.
magdala~
*hugs* I am sorry I haven't been keeping up with things lately. I have also been going through depression and just being burnt out with daily life at the moment. But do know I am thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts. I hope your appointment went well!
ReplyDelete*hugs* I am sorry I haven't been keeping up with things lately. I have also been going through depression and just being burnt out with daily life at the moment. But do know I am thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts. I hope your appointment went well!
ReplyDeletedoc avid -- I don't know what would have happened if He had pushed. I generally don't second guess Him. His evaluation of my status and circumstances at that point led Him to make the decision to end things. I trust that choice.
ReplyDeleteswan
magdala -- thanks for sending the link. We have checked out all of those issues, but it is somehow "reassuring" to see the information confirmed in the mainstream press. I know there are risks as well as potential benefits to this particular course. It does seem that the doctor I'm dealing with is monitoring very carefully, and so far I've seen no identifiable adverse reactions -- at least none that we could pin on the HRT specifically.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the good thoughts.
swan