Differences

We don't do role play. We just aren't good at it. Neither of us is "into" it. It doesn't get either of us "off."

AND...

He IS into disciplinary-style spanking. It is one thing that seriously rocks His boat.
I, on the other hand, HATE punishment; am destroyed by it; will absolutely do anything within my power to avoid having to go there.
My beginnings in BDSM were on the Domestic Discipline (DD) end of things. It was what I found first when I typed "spanking" into a search engine, and it was what I managed to convince the "vanilla" spouse to try with me. We followed the typical pattern of making up a list of rules and penalties with the understanding that violations of the rules would result in me getting spanked.
The problem with DD for me is this: if you tell me that I am supposed to not do something, or that I AM supposed to do something -- that is the way I behave. I follow rules. I am well behaved and pretty much self-disciplined. Once I figured out that it was "spanking" that was my thing, I learned to ask for the spanking, and skip all the silly bullshit games around the DD nonsense.
Once out of the vanilla marriage situation, and into the relationship with Master, the issue of punishment took on a whole different flavor. Punishment became significantly more intense, and the emotional load ratcheted up to a point where I simply could not bear the thought of incurring punishment from Him. Anything that even hints of punishment is enough to bring me to the point of a sobbing, incoherent wreck. I've earned punishments on a few occasions, but it is not something that He and I take lightly or that we play with.

So, where does that leave the two of us when THAT is a major turn on for Him?

He looks for others to discipline. I know this. I understand it. I don't especially like it, and yet I love His reasons for doing it.

Right now, I can see the hunger on Him. I know He needs to find some silly twit who cannot keep it together -- who drinks or drives too fast or spends too much or is lazy or doesn't manage their diet or has some other inappropriate behavior that they don't handle like an adult. All the signs are there -- He has that predatory twitch, and I cannot fulfill the need in Him. I know that He could take me and beat the living daylights out of me -- as does He, and I also know that even if He did that, the hunger would remain. Simply put, there is not the reality to that scenario that He is craving... He'd hurt me in ways that would damage what is His, and to no benefit that He sees for His own pleasure. It wouldn't be REAL discipline but only "pretend."

So.

I am hanging on to what I know. Believing in Him and believing in us. Choosing to trust that we are alright just as we are, and that continuing to be "good" will be good enough even if, in some strange way, it takes me out of the running for this one thing that He needs and wants.
If there was one thing I never, ever promised Him, this would be it ... never promised that I'd be good at being a silly twit who couldn't follow the rules.

swan