Nothing

So much of the way life goes from day to day seems ordinary.
It is easy to fall into thinking patterns that are like ordinary patterns.
Easy to start thinking like an ordinary person with an ordinary life.
A person who has power.
A person who has control.
A person who has choices.
A person who owns.
A person who can say I want this or need that or wish it were that way.
And be able to shape the world in those ways.
And it really isn't like that -- not at all.
Not underneath the facade that we maintain.
The reality is this --
The power is not in my hands.
Nor the choices.
Not the control.
Not the ownership.
All of it is at the pleasure of Master.
Because I chose once and no longer.
I can be happy in the outcome or I can be unhappy.
In the present circumstances, it really matters very little.
I can put my hands on my hips, stick out my lower lip, pout, and stomp my foot -- declare that it is terribly unfair.
Matters very little.
He looks at me and simply says, "you are stuck."

Part of me shudders in despair, while part of me sighs in vast relief.

Slaves watch and sense the wind and gather bits and pieces of information from nuance and shadow and tone.
Masters have no idea how closely we learn to read their faces and their eyes and their every muscle shift.
The language of the all and all -- the only.
The coded words that conceal nothing.
Convey everything.

In the darkness, as sleep eludes me, I scramble for some answer to the puzzle.
Some escape from the inevitable.
Ultimate.
Impossible.
Final.
Submit.
Settle.
Stop.
Relinquish the control.
Give. Give up. Give over. Give in.

Trust is not a gift.
Not earned or given.
It is a decision.
An investment.
Taken from today's stores and put into an endeavor that one believes in.

Forget shrieking. Forgo fantasy. Stop flailing.
Not calm.
Not easy.
Not graceful.
Not peaceful.
Nothing.

swan