Damn -- I'm way out of line

It was that zero to sixty in no time at all phenomenon.

I walked in the door at the end of the week from hell... Dropped all the crap that I haul home every week so I can plan for the next week. Watched Him for a few minutes while He seemed to lose Himself in the new spanking stories book that He'd ordered from Amazon... Figured that He was not the least bit interested in me, so nevermind that it had been a long, difficult, stretch -- whatever I was hoping for of time to decompress or snuggle or connect was obviously going to have to wait.

Suddenly, it was as if He woke up, saw me, and the world tipped. He grabbed me. And, before I could shift my thinking, gather my wits, get myself back from the place where I'd sent my needs and wants earlier... I was ass-up getting paddled and strapped (and none too gently). No warning, no warmup, no transition, no words, no time.

I didn't do the paddling very well, but I sort of survived it. Then He offered me the choice of the paddle or the strap for a last set. I was strung out and miserable and shaken. I couldn't think. I tried to duck the choosing, but of course, the choice was forced. I asked for the strap. When it came, it seemed particularly harsh, particularly mean, especially fierce.

I went straight to rage. The blood roared in my ears and I came up swinging. Curses and flailing. No more! Somehow I got hold of the paddle and pounded it on the bed and on another paddle that was laying there. It split in two pieces. That ended the overt wildness, although my mind flashed to what a great murder weapon the split piece would make.

Eventually I calmed down some, and we worked through it without a major blow up or blow out. This morning, we found our way through the tentativeness and talked around the feelings. He is certain that I am back into the depression, and I cannot argue the facts. I am frozen in fear and doubt and anger on too many fronts to put up much of a defense. I hate the thought of where I have to go with all of that, but also know that all my strength has not been sufficient to ward off the demons.

I have got to face the consequences for the interrupted strapping, for the disrespect, for the broken paddle. I am ashamed. I am hurt. I am way out of line. I am still His.

swan