Passages

I don't think I've ever talked about, or really, ever thought about the stages that I pass through in the process of a serious session.

I've engaged in dialog with people, over the years, about the phenomenon of "subspace." I know I've experienced what, for me, feels like "that place" upon occasion. It is an interesting sensation, or set of sensations. I don't reach it often; don't really strive for it, or even think about it much. I don't think either one of us considers it some kind of achievement. It happens when it happens. It doesn't particularly add anything to our experience, and, in fact, for Him, it may very well detract because I don't think He gets much "juice" out of beating me once I've gone to LaLa land.

But. That isn't really what I'm thinking about here. I'm really more aware, in the aftermath of yesterday, of the passages that I make -- transitions really, from level to level during our SM play. I've never consciously considered it before, and I've never seen anyone discuss it. Maybe nobody else progresses through distinct levels of processing. Maybe this is something that is just a quirk in the way I do this. For me, when I think about it, though, it is pretty consistent. So, for what it is worth, I'm going to see if I can define the pattern.

If things begin, as this last encounter did, with some input or initiatory move from me, then there is a beginning level that is a "ramping up" stage. In this phase, I am likely to fantasize about the possibilities, and imagine what might ensue and how I'll experience the event. That imagining and fantasizing, depending on how long it goes on, builds a level of tension, anticipation, and excitement for me. This is a stage that I often miss out on because I very seldom initiate our play. There are a couple of reasons for that. One of the reasons for that is that I know how intensely He plays, and so I am reluctant to "suggest" some things because I know that I cannot hope to keep up with Him. Too, I am unwilling to place Him in the role of "service Top." I simply hate the thought that my asking might place Him in the position of catering to my demands.

Once, things begin, we often enter into a period of time that is preparatory. For me, this part of the encounter feels breathless, and anticipatory, and usually very connective. I usually don't know what to expect from Him before things actually begin, and I am often in a very quiet mood, wanting to simply be close to Him so that I can follow His lead. I also tend to experience a wish to extend this phase -- to hold on to the security of being in His care. It is a bit like standing at the edge of the precipice, knowing that there is the inevitable jump just ahead.

Immeditately, as the actual physical part of the session begins, I hit a stage that feels intensely difficult (assuming we aren't doing some nice, soft, easy build up -- very uncommon for us). Most often for me, this is the stage where I have to cope with reactions including fear, panic, resistance, denial, and often an intense desire to back out or escape from the situation/agreement. It isn't uncommon for me to say things like, "Oh NO!" "I can't do this!" "Let me go!" I might ask, "Why are You doing this to me?" I've been known to beg Him to stop. I've tried to run. I am entirely sincere in my surprise and desire to make it stop at the beginning. It really doesn't matter how intensely I wanted it, or how dark my fantasy might have been; I am almost never prepared for the reality. What gets me through it is either serious restraint, or intensely applied Dominance that breaks through my control drives and makes it clear that I have no "choices" in the situation. However it goes, the outset of an intense session is seldom peaceful or smooth.

I will generally move fairly quickly from the fear and panic stage into an angry place. Once I am convinced that He won't listen to my pleas and won't succumb to my controlling manipulations, I'll get furious. This is the phase where I'll become utterly convinced that He is an evil bastard, an absolute asshole. This is the stage of the process where I begin to mutter to myself that, "as soon as I get free, I'm going to kill Him." And I absolutely mean it. The blood pounds and roars in my head. I begin to feel incredibly powerful and I'll start to growl and roar with every stroke. If I'm not restrained, I'll often pound my fists on whatever is handy (although I've never gotten crazy enough to actually go after Him). Sometimes I stay angry for a really long time. Other times, I pass through the anger very quickly.

And then the storm passes and I come into a place that feels soft. This is not subspace. I can still find that I have to work very hard to cope with the sensations, but I am no longer battling with Him or with myself. I find myself remembering that I love Him. I tend to need to hear His voice; to touch Him if I can. Once I soften, I feel things. If there have been emotional issues between us, or things that I've been worrying about, they'll come bubbling up and out of me. I'll talk to Him in this stage. I'll croon and cry and babble. This phase feels differently physically, too. My muscles let go. I stop fighting every blow. It becomes possible to take in the sensations more deeply. I am less shocked by the impacts. For me, this passage feels like coming home to the place where I live most truly. This is the place where I feel authentic and peaceful. It feels like I have made a successful journey.

There is almost always some sort of ending phase that is like coming up out of deep water. It is a resurfacing. For me, because our sessions end in a very specific and formalized pattern, I am "called back" to the here and now" with words and actions that connote the ending even if I am not entirely sensible. Those patterns help to ground me in the present, wherever I might be floating.

The complete cycle of passages is a transit that takes me into my deepest core and brings me back more whole and usually more settled and more sure. I find that if I go for very many weeks or months without making that journey, I start to wobble. I need to go into the fire and come back out again. I am lucky that I have a brave and loving partner who will walk that path with me, difficult as it may be, and stand as my guide and guardian at the gateways from passage to passage.

swan