Alright. Surely, by now, it is obvious to just about everybody, that I am filling space here -- working hard to find things to talk about when there is very little to talk about. I have become one of those bloggers who pretends to write about a lifestyle dynamic that I don't actually live. That is the reality, and it is clear that pretty much nobody cares what I offer here. All these heady, academic posts are about as exciting as watching grass grow. I get it, but I don't have anything else, and I can't seem to help myself. I've done this too long to quit now, and doing that would be to admit defeat. I'm not ready to give it all up just yet, so let's go on shall we? I'll do my best to make these next few quick and painless. Here are three more Gregston tips for healing broken relationships:
- Establish boundaries…
- Practice selfless confrontation…
- Correct and discipline, even when it makes you uncomfortable…
Now, whatever it may seem like to those of you watching from the outside, and whatever judgments may have been made about my actions over the course of the last year, I FEEL like a submissive inside. My reactions and responses and instincts are all tuned to pleasing Him and serving Him and earning His approval. For years and years now, my boundaries have been His; my wants and wishes have been driven by what He wanted; my opinions and beliefs and values have all been shaped by Him. I don't know where my boundaries are anymore. I wish I didn't have to find out. Surveying the perimeters of my own psyche seems scary to me. I don't want to find the edges, and I don't want to have to defend those edges. I will but it isn't what I was planning to be doing at this point in my life.
As for "practicing selfless confrontation," I understand that it may be useful to Him for me to try to point out the flaws in His reasoning; to shine a light on the things that keep Him stuck; to demonstrate what works and doesn't between us... and I know I should do that even when it isn't what He wants to hear. It makes me uncomfortable, and it leaves me feeling "out in the cold" when that confrontation makes Him angry, or causes Him to withdraw. What if I'm wrong? What if, in doing all of that, I break the bonds between us? What if He never comes back to me? I do not feel at all secure in all of this, and if it looks otherwise to you, then it is because I am faking it.
And, as for "discipline and correction?" I don't know. We've incorporated those elements into our lives from the beginning. We've never been of the "He's perfect, and she's the only one who needs discipline" school of thought. We've always switched, and while it isn't easy, I can take the disciplinarian role when necessary. So that set of tools belongs to us. I hope it doesn't come into play. I really do.
swan
"practice selfless confrontation"
ReplyDeletei don't know about you swan...... but i don't "DO" confrontation well - not at all - not with W or anyone for that matter. i have to be pretty damn angry to confront .. selflessly or otherwise.
i tend to walk away before i will confront (as you well know from what happened last year) ........
When i came back this year - to try and mend a whole mess of holes in our relationship... i realized the worst hole i created was the "walking away"....... maybe a good dose of "selfless confrontation" would have worked better.
BUT then i can't help but think - if *i* confront - how unselfish is that?? And like you i wonder what if it is just me that doesn't like a or b or c?? What if the rest of the world - himself included - sees nothing wrong ......
It is a tight rope walk - i am telling you swan ... a tight rope walk. And i am not very good at balancing :(
A quiet protest, if I may. I do care about what you write here. And I read. I just don't always comment. Sometimes I'm just too swamped with my own life to find the time to be mentally present enough to write coherently. And sometimes, what you've written may not be something I have any thoughts about that need to be added. And sometimes, it's that what you've written about hits too closely to home. When I'm swimming through the same abyss I'm not always able to offer much in the way of a comment.
ReplyDeleteAnother protest? If I may? Who is to say that you are writing about something you aren't actually living? Stuff and nonsense! By whose definition? And who elected them mayor of TTWD? Seriously. And please don't tell me it's because there isn't a lot of S/m play going on - that's not what makes a D/s or M/s relationship real. The play is just Top/bottom stuff. The real meat of the relationship is the power shift. You've all had to navigate through some strange waters where you realize that the simplistic ideas of D/s or M/s that are accepted around the interwebs just aren't always that simple. People and relationships are complex, living, dynamic. Seasons of our lives demand different responses and behaviors from us. BUT - just because your relationship doesn't look like it used to look, and doesn't look like it's going to look in a little while from now, doesn't mean it's not a D/s or M/s relationship. Perhaps it just doesn't agree with the stereo-types and the ideals bandied around as what you have to do or be in order to do it "right". bah!
Just be. Exist. Breathe. It doesn't matter if we comment. It doesn't matter what your relationship looks like. No one else's opinion matters. Let it go. No one is judging you, at least no one whose opinion should matter at all to you, not even a little bit. So you can stop being so hard on yourself. It takes enough of your energy to map your way through some uncharted relationship territory, don't waste any of it on even a consideration of what others may think. They just don't matter. As Dr Seuss said - "Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter."
And finally - this series has been helpful to me, and thought-provoking, and I appreciate you, and the time you spent gleaning the wisdom from Gregson's writing and sharing it with us, including the personal illustrations you shared to help prove his points. It was not a waste of your time. I was especially horrified at the collapse of the shelves, and relieved the new baby emerged without a scratch, lol.
huuuuuggggggggg
Tapestry
xoxo
It's so hard when you have to change an established way of relating to each other, when it's not just one line of connection but multiple lines. It's slow, it's confusing, it's discouraging but it's not endless, it's not hopeless, it's not impossible. Write whatever you want and keep your energy for those you love.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you said "nobody" because I'm somebody, I still care about what you write, and I'm getting a great deal out of it. As usual, we're very similar in our inner reactions. That means I'm not very helpful here. I try to guess his moods, discuss, react. Sigh. Not because I have to, but because I don't know how to do anything else. It's part of me, possibly part of the protection mode I learned in childhood? It's certainly misplaced in the utterly secure relationship I live in now. Not perfect, of course, but completely safe and secure.
ReplyDeletei would like to echo Tapestry's eloquent comment...
ReplyDeletei am a *silent* but regular visitor and learn much about my own (vanilla) world through your writings.
you ARE appreciated :)
Oh...
ReplyDeleteYou are all so very dear to me.
I know that each of you lives your own variation of periodic chaos, and yet, you find the time to shower me with words of wisdom and friendship.
I can only tell you that I am grateful. Very sincerely and deeply grateful -- and nearly wordless in the face of it.
Thank you,
swan
Right back at you, dear. So often here I find thoughtful help for my own problems, and peace from my chaos. When not, I can relate and send understanding. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteAnother quiet protester here :)
ReplyDeleteAdd me to the above comments.
ReplyDeleteAnd I do not find what you write just "academic". A lot of us really do not know what we are thinking until we say it or write it. Every comment you make, I see you stretching a little, growing a little. And as you figure out how Gregston's paradigm fits your life, I'm doing the same with my life.
Thank you.