Adrenaline Addiction

Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out. 

~~Anton Chekhov~~ 

I don't do "crazy" stuff.  At least, I don't think of my life that way.  I don't get into "extreme" sports, or NASCAR, or mountain climbing, or sky diving, or...  Well, you get the point.  I wear my seat belt.  I don't smoke.  I try to eat healthy foods.  I at least notice the need for regular exercise in my life, and sometimes, I even manage to make that happen.  

On the face of it, I would say that I'm no adrenaline junkie, but then I wonder...

Some people (and I may be one of them) thrive on crisis.  When I think back over the years of my adult life, I can see plenty of times when I was mired in crisis -- and I recognize that there is something about that circumstance that works to "assure" me that I am alive.  

The "signposts" of my personal history read like a script for an old fashioned TV soap opera:  alcoholic parents, wayward children, philandering husband, death and loss, economic hardship, betrayal, addiction, and just about anything else you can think of that makes for "craziness."  Through all of the hard, bitter, difficult years, I told myself that "someday" life would settle down and I'd be able to just relax and enjoy things.  But, the truth is that that "wild, crazy, continual round of crisis" reality gave me a rush that helped me know that I was really, truly, wholly, fully alive.  

I think that, for much of our time together, He and I practiced a style of BDSM that fed into that NEED for crisis and chaos and a continual sense of threat and danger.  There was a part of what we did together that fed my inner "adrenaline junkie."  

Then, of course, the level of personal crisis became overwhelming.  The catastrophic events of the past two years provided an ongoing adrenaline overload that was too much -- even for a lifelong crisis addict like me.  He has worked hard to recognize, understand, escape from, and recover from his compulsions -- and in doing that, He set the stage for me to confront my own.  Life is quiet here now.  We are comfortable and happy and sane.  There is no threat; no danger; nothing to set off that adrenaline rush.  For awhile, I have questioned whether there was still anything left of our power exchange dynamic.  Can there be Dominance and submission without the drama, without the push and pull, without the constant struggle that told me who I was and where He was?  I have not been sure of the answers to those questions.  

The people who study these things; compulsions and addictions; are learning that they "travel" in packs -- where you find one sort of compulsive disorder, there are likely to be others.  That is true for individuals, and it is true for families.  My adrenaline addiction wrapped itself quite nicely around His issues, and my codependent behaviors fed off the chaos created by His addictions.  We were quite the pair.  As He has recovered and learned His way into a new, healthier, saner way of being, He has been insistent that what would come to be between us would have to be something new and inherently different than what we had before.  I have felt that as a denial and a sort of "pay back" for my part in the crash that we experienced.  I could not comprehend how we could ever BE D/s partners without all that high drama -- without the place where I would have to battle my own feelings and impulses in a never ending struggle to BE His submissive.   I've been a mess.  

The good news about compulsions, though, is that if you quit indulging them; if you resist the cravings; if you simply wait through the incredible pull to fall back into the old, destructive habits; things quiet down and it becomes possible to understand and appreciate the life that is given.  I am beginning to feel that I am catching up to Him in recovery, finally.  In the last few weeks, I am noticing how really good it is to be His without struggle, without the chaos.  I AM alive here -- and safe -- and secure.  I do not have to be continually on guard anymore.  I do not feel the need to remain ever vigilant for any shift in the relational winds.  He loves me, totally.  I love Him more and more with every single day.  It is a joy to be allowed to see this man that has fought so hard to come to this place.  I am truly proud to be His, and I feel lucky that He still loves me and wants me.  

swan