Talking about "Punishment" -- and Not

Tangerine commented:

"it's hard for me think of what fate may befall you ...So I know it's His
call, but my ...hope is that he doesn't beat the daylights out of you...I know
you completely trust Him."

So, that set me off thinking in this direction... about what has brought it all to this point and how it has come to this place for me and for us. I doubt that it works this way for everyone, or even anyone else, but here's the inside workings of our struggle to communicate around the layers that are our version of M/s.

Ours is, by now, a "mature" power dynamic. We've been learning our way together with this for something close to seven years. Like all relationships, ours has grown and shifted and changed as we've learned and grown and changed. It is my strong belief that doing this as adults "of a certain age" has advantages -- however, there have certainly been challenges to that as well.

As I look back over the last couple of years, I'd say that where we are now really began with the crisis that led us to decide that the time had come when He could no longer avoid the knee replacement surgery. That very difficult surgery and its lengthy recovery and rehabilitation period quite literally "chopped Him off at the knees." For weeks leading up to the surgery, we lived with a great fear, and then for weeks afterwards He lived with a level of debilitation and dependence that was almost total. This placed our normal dynamic in an "upside down" mode that, while absolutely necessary, was enormously stressful for us all. Surely, it was an opportunity for me to serve at a very deep level, but it required a relinquishment of the usual levels of control that took us into uncharted territory. Even as He regained strength and function, we found it hard to resume our previous roles.

We'd only just come through that scary time, when the "j-other" came bursting onto the scene. The emotional whirlwind that she created in our lives left us shaken, and uncertain. I learned to withhold my feelings, my belief in the idea of poly, my trust in my own intuitions. Withholding those things, at that level, created distance between us that had never been there before -- and it harmed us in very real ways, especially coming when it did, and especially because it remained unbridged.

Then we dropped headlong into the health-related / sex-linked battle that washed me away into the nowhere land of post hysterectomy hormone hell. It would have been difficult enough in and of itself, but I was unmoored at my foundations.

Add to that, the unending swirl of life stressors that we've faced: aging and ill parents, repeated serious financial and job/career challenges, assorted health issues, the worries that come with watching young adult children do what they must... And there's been more than enough to break even a normally strong heart. I've convinced myself that what I needed to do was be strong, keep my needs to myself, not "burden" Him with what was going on inside myself. Over and over again, I've told myself that He doesn't have the time or energy to worry about the silly little things and worries that are going on inside my head -- shouldn't have to use His limited free time to tend to me. So, I've worked hard to be as quiet and strong and "not-needy/vulnerable" as I could be. The whole time, I have been starving, yearning, needing Him and needing His guidance and the sense of His power in my life.

I don't like the business of being a needy, demanding slave. On the other hand, at some point, there's a break line where there simply isn't enough meaningful contact to maintain the sense of genuine belonging. I have been telling myself I belonged to Him, reminding myself, practicing it -- but feeling it less and less. There is only so much of that that one can do alone.

In doing that -- in that "self-talk," I've deprived us both of a vital connection... My intent has been good, but the reasoning has been faulty, and the outcome has been negative.

Ultimately, I suppose, my behavior in this last incident was a sort of shriek. He saw it. He heard it for what it was. We've spent real time moving back and forward. What some would see as "punishment," I am experiencing as reassurance. It is not easy in the physical reality, but it tells me what I've been questing after: I am not "out there" somewhere all by myself; I am not left alone; He does see me, hear me, know me completely, care for me utterly... He can and will pull me back, hold me close, control me exactly in the way that is needed.

So, for those who would worry. Please don't. I am well and fine and calmer than I have been in many, many months. I am sure of His love and His care. He will make sure that it will be alright. Maybe, finally... this will be good.

swan