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I Wanted to be a Diva, Too!

The word “diva” refers to a celebrated female singer, but Wikipedia tells us that the term is used to describe a woman of outstanding talent, and is closely related in meaning to  "prima donna".  The word is derived from an Italian word that names a female deity. The basic sense of the term is "goddess".

Again, according to Wikipedia, an extravagant admiration for divas is a common element of camp culture.  In camp, something is appealing because of its bad taste and ironic value. Its key elements are artifice, frivolity, naïve middle-class pretentiousness, and shocking excess. 

I will submit to you that we, in this cybersubculture of BDSM bloggers and Fetlife denizens, are engaged in a sort of “camp” culture subculture, and do have the tendency to produce our own particular variety of divas.  For us, the divas are the ones that make us go, “Wow!”  They are the ones that we admire and emulate – or perhaps we merely acknowledge that we’ll never be able to equal their skill, talent, and level of achievement.  Our divas are, by our mutual agreement, the ones who are the best of the best at this thing we do.  They risk more, endure more, serve better, and live closer to the edge.  They write blog posts that get the most hits day after day, and they routinely pull comments from 10 or 20 or 30 or more admirers.

When I first started writing this blog, back in 2004, I had no idea about the "neighborhood" I was moving into.  He told me to write, and so I did.  Reluctantly.  In time, though, I learned about others writing out here about this very intense and personal lifestyle choice, and I began to get caught up in the "celebrity" frenzy of it all.  In those early days, the divas were Patty and Anissa.  They were the stars of the BDSM blog universe, and the things they wrote were in the "must read" category for just about everyone I could see.   I knew, even then, that I was out of their league, but I was new to it all, and I sometimes dared to imagine myself as one of their number -- writing the sort of blog that would be on the "must read" list for the whole circle.  In that fantasy realm, it was possible to convince myself that every positive comment pointed to how wonderful I was, how brilliantly I wrote to make clear the convolutions of this lifestyle, how indispensable my wisdom was for those who would seek to live their lives in ways that were similar to my own.

I wanted to be a diva, too!  I did.

Well, time has passed, and I look around the "neighborhood" and know for an absolute certainty that I am not now and never will be -- a diva. 

There are lots of reasons for that:
  • I've aged.  Fifty-six is way different than forty-five (the age I was when I finally started off on the path I'd been eyeing my whole adult life).
  • With surgeries and the various diminishments of the years, I've lost the stuff that is part and parcel of being young and hot and hungry.
  • After seven years of blogging, I've seen too much -- seen too many come and go, and I know that no one is "it" in our world for very long.  This thing that we do takes its toll on bodies and hearts and minds.  People mellow or they break under the strain of trying to keep on being "the same as they were back when..."
  • I've gotten wiser.  Or maybe, I've just quit pretending that none of the things I've been into had any long term effects or consequences.  I know better.  Everything has a long term consequence.  I now understand (and agree with) the person who once told me that I was probably writing checks my butt could not cash.  Human bodies are not meant to endure much of the physical trauma that we inflict because it gives us a thrill.  Now and then?  Perhaps.  Day after day after day?  No way.
  • Ultimately, I've been humbled by life.  I've been greying and wrinkling right here in public for a very long time.  Sags and bulges and flabby places are evident for all to see nowadays, and anyone who wants to prove that I've gotten older can find the "slide show" of butt pictures to prove the point.  The younger, hotter, more adventurous ones have come along to fill the space that once I coveted, and they are the reining divas of this lifestyle.  My time, if there was ever going to be a time for me, has passed me by.  No one is ever going to read about my life and my thoughts about all of this and exclaim, "Wow!"
I wanted to be a diva, too.  Wanted it with a sort of unjustified pride and arrogance that I've never admitted to.  Now that part of life is behind me, and I am amazed and a bit ashamed of my own ego.  Seeing it now, I know why I can feel so judgmental of those who do occupy the center of the stage.  Even more, I know what it is that drives the voice in my head that continually reminds me to just wait because, "they won't be young forever either."  What a crabby old woman I have gotten to be!



  1. I think you are being hard on yourself. I agree with some of what you said, that no one is young forever, and that photos can be unforgiving and that our bodies probably aren't meant to take punishment day after day.

    But your writing is good, solid, smart, and it hangs together. You are a storyteller and a philosopher and you are brutally honest with yourself and with us.

    I did know the neighbourhood, at least a bit before I started. To me, you ARE one of the Divas, or maybe a better word would be one of the experts, and when you comment on my blog I am thrilled. "Swan likes me! She reads my blog and likes me!" Except when you disagree, and then I am dismayed. "Swan thinks I'm full of shit." And then I get over it, cause I actually do like that people can disagree and say so.

  2. Ahhhh, sin... you are just adorable :-) I'm no expert. I am a spanko masochist who has lived past the point where I can fully indulge my desires. I do appreciate the compliments about my writing. It is what it is, and I know I don't have the imagination or sense of humor that enlivens many places around the circle. That determination to try and be honest is the only thing I've been able to trade on consistently here, and it is a tough way to go... As for agreeing or disagreeing with you or anyone else -- I hope I don't do the latter too often. I really try, mostly, to use "dungeon etiquette" in my blog commenting -- "if it bothers you, turn around and walk away; resist the urge to interfere or meddle in things that aren't yours."

    hugs, swan

  3. Ordalie11:03 PM

    I quite agree with sin! I just love your writings because I can feel there is experience behind them and a lot of previous thinking.
    I particularly enjoy the subtle analysis you so often make and share with us in a beautiful and precise language!
    I come everyday to your blog and when there's nothing new I read again some posts that I have especially liked.
    That's one of the advantages of getting on in years: the insight it gives you into things.
    I do agree with about everything you say, swan, but I would never be able to write as you do!

  4. Anonymous1:42 AM

    You are a are still here, still writing and still true to life. They, well - they're not writing the diva blogs they once were, and things were not always what they appeared to be in those diva-listic pages. A diva is a constant, real, live person who writes about her life as it actually unfolds without always having to use smut to attract followers. (not that smut isn't nice, mind you! not condemning the smut!)

    I've always thought of you as a diva (a real one like Liz Taylor) rather than a bunch of written words on virtual paper made to sound good specifically because there is an audience waiting to read something whether it was real and true or not.


  5. Ya know what swan........ Annissa and Patty may have been divas - BUT - we both know they were "fictional" divas

    You my dear friend - are as real as real can be ... and in my books that makes you a diva :)

  6. Ordalie, magdala, and morningstar -- thank you all! I am humbled and embarrassed by your kindness and generosity. If being truthful is the measure of "diva-hood," then I guess I've gotten close at least some of the time. But Liz? Really? What a hoot!


  7. The young, hot ones will always be the Divas because they're still in the throes of it being steamy and fun and exciting, while we old farts have turned that corner into it just being what it is. Which is far less fantasy-worthy than when it was new.

    I like this new place I've moved into with blogging. I don't know, or care, who links to me and who doesn't. I rarely look at stats, couldn't tell you my "numbers", and the comments? They come and go. My worth isn't wrapped up in my blogging stats. I've mostly stopped using my blog as a way of trying to "figure it out" and now use my blog when, and as, I want to.

  8. Impish111:57 PM

    Here I come, bringing up the rear! We're real women. We're not what we wanted to be one day, but we now realize no one is. Look down this line at each of us, real, giving, with so much to offer, and with the ability to adapt so that as life changes, and as we change, we are still loving, sexual women. We, my dear Swan, are Divas.


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