Pillar

Copyrighted image used with permission.  Find original work at: ({{Information |Description=Dolmen of Menga, Antequera, Spain. |Source=my own work |Date=July 21, 2008 |Author=Juan de Vojníkov |Permission=Attribution ShareAlike 3.0 |other_versions= }} {{cc-by-sa-3.0}} Category:Dolmen de Menga )

My therapist tells me that I serve as a "pillar" in our family.  Ever since she told me that, a couple of months ago, I've poked at the idea, the image, in my mind.  I've not been entirely easy with it.  It feels like it fits in some ways, but I am not convinced that I am "up to the job" of being a PILLAR.

I've wondered what, exactly, it might mean to be the pillar of the  family.  I think I know some of what my therapist meant to imply or suggest by the image, and still I keep coming back to the questions -- "If this is my role in this family, how am I supposed to do it?  What is it that I am supposed to do?  Can I really do it at all?  Do I even WANT to do it?   

As I've looked around at the idea (what did we do before there was Google?), most of what I've found is grounded in religious thought -- as in pillar of the community, or pillar of the church.  I've read a couple of sermons on the subject of "pillar people," but they just didn't offer me much that helped me make sense of this for myself.  I read, and still found myself wandering around, muttering about it in my head.

Then I stumbled across some business leadership sites that talked about Pillar Wisdom as a tool for those engaged in leading organizations.  Pillar Leadership methodology hinges on a set of characteristics and traits that managers and leaders can bring to bear on the work of supporting, developing, and carrying their companies forward.

• Self-control (self-awareness, managing emotions, stress management, ethics, resilience, rationality)
• Excellence (conscientiousness, attention to detail, competitiveness, empathy)
• Strategy (innovation, motivation, originality, openness to change, rule consciousness, critical thinking)
• Decision-making (analytical thinking, problem solving, knowledge, intuition, decisiveness, assertiveness, innovation)
• Communication (listening skills, social skills, discernment, self-assurance, instincts)
• Collaboration (relationships, empathy, independence, self-reliance, agreeableness)
• Execution (achievement, management, motivation, competitiveness)

So, I can look at that list, and I can see some of the attributes that might be part of what the therapist perceived when she gifted me with that "PILLAR" label.  I think I do live according to a personal ethical code.  I think I am pretty resilient.  I can be competitive.  I am sometimes empathetic.  In my lifetime, I've had to be self-reliant, self-aware, and self-assured.  I am a critical and analytical thinker, and I value my ability to use my knowledge and instincts to solve problems, make decisions, and discern the truth of a situation.  Living as I have for the last number of years, I've learned to be open to change, learned to be conscious of rules and expectations, learned to be attentive to details, and learned to be conscientious.  Those things are part and parcel of who I am; they make up my character and they shape my presentation in the world.  I can see it...  The idea of being "the pillar" isn't exactly easy or comfortable, but it isn't as far away from my understanding of who I am as I thought it might be.

I think my uneasiness about this "architecturally" based description of my role in our family stems from my attachment to my former perceptions of how He and I relate.  I was very enamored of the deliberate and defined power dynamic we had, and somehow the image of the strong, sturdy, essential, assertive pillar feels very contrary to that.  In fact, it is contrary to that.  If the only viable way for us to manipulate the power balance between us is for me to be passive, dependent, and weak, then it could be argued that we've made a transition away from THAT power exchange to something that is "other than."  I am stretching to be able to accommodate the notion that my role is to be strong and assertive, and that it is precisely because I am capable of filling that role, that my service in that capacity is valuable.  And so I go round and round and round -- talking to myself, feeling confused, wondering what it all means.

I think it is just a matter of allowing my self-perception to catch up to the changed reality.  I need to learn to wear the mantle of powerful structural member.  I am sure it would be easier if the parallel that my therapist drew evoked for me some sort of soft, compliant, sheltering, comfortable, open and yielding architectural element:  corbel, cornice, cupola, dormer, eave, fanlight, parapet, pediment, lintel, doorway, arch, foyer, closet, cellar, attic, roof, chimney, porch...  I am sure it is just me, in my highly visual mode, seeing that solid, monolithic cloumn, and wanting to not have to shoulder the responsibility of holding up the whole world.

swan