Contact Info --

Email us --



Our Other Blogs --
We are three adults living in a polyamorous triad family. The content here is intended for an adult audience. If you are not an adult, please leave now.

6/03/2012

Reintegrating -- Part 2

Three essential parts were returned to me on the day of my soul retrieval.  I've discussed the little girl part here.

The second part of myself that came back to me on that day was a young woman, aged about 24 or 25 years.  She is the part of me that left when, as a young mother, I decided to remain in my marriage because I believed I needed to do that in order to be able to care for my two small children.  She was the strong, adventurous, lively "me" who was possessed of a wicked sense of humor and a rich appreciation for life's ironies.  She knew who she was, and she knew what she wanted from life.  She dreamed dreams.  She yearned for a powerful and intimate partnership; for a love that would carry her through whatever life might bring...  And, she knew what I would not acknowledge -- that the man I'd married would never be capable of being a full participant in that partnership.  When I would lie awake in the depths of the night, and imagine what my life might be if I would take my babies and strike out on my own, she it was who urged me on to grab the possibilities with all my heart.  When, out of fear and a lack of belief in my own power, I chose to stay in that dead, stultifying, pitiful excuse for a marriage, she gathered her power and her courage and her bright spirit -- and she left me behind to endure the disappointments and the diminishments.

Now she is back, once again a part of who I am.  She is funny, and a bit naughty, and absolutely fearless.  She lives life fully, and she tells the truth.  She rejects the mealy mouthed prissiness that I can sometimes fall into.  She speaks plainly, knowing what she wants.  She is practical and mature enough to know that dreams don't always work out, but she absolutely will not stand for not trying.  She demands that I try -- at the very least.  Try.

If you want to know the truth, she scares me.  When she first came back to me; when I first talked with her; when I asked her what I could do to make her welcome, and keep her with me; she suggested, with a twinkle, that we might try skydiving.  Eeek!  The shaman assures me that some of this is "metaphorical," but I am not at all sure that I feel better about metaphorical skydiving than I do about the physical potential for jumping out of an airplane.  Really!

But, then, I worry ...  What if she were to leave me again?  What if she were to grow weary of my caution and my timid approach?  What if she offers me the gifts of courage and adventurousness and curiosity and daring, and I cannot find my way to accept them and use them?  I want her here.  I don't want to lose  her.  I am feeling my way along with all of this, needing time and patience and, maybe, a fair portion of luck?

swan

7 comments:

  1. I love who you are and who you are becoming. As you experience the assets, the gifts, that these reactualized aspects of you are, remember they are not guests with you for a trial visit. They are YOU, and the light now shining on them from your mind's eye, makes me love you more and will make you love YOU more.

    Mine Always and All Ways,

    Tom

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sir, they DO feel like visitors, or maybe like friends that have been long out of touch... I am glad to know them and glad to have them here with me, but I do feel some responsibility and obligation to make them "happy" to be here with me. Especially with this one, I don't want to repeat the mistakes that sent her away in the first place. I am lucky, I believe, to be given another chance, and I know that, at my age, the time for "do overs" is growing shorter. I want to live fully and with wisdom in this passage... Thank you for being willing to do that with me. I love You.

      Yours always and all ways,
      swan

      Delete
  2. I think you have been metaphysically sky diving since you first began your journey with Tom and T.

    What you have experienced , and endured, and overcome, and come to accept the last year and a half, has been a leap also. Maybe skydiving with her won't seem so frightening if you realize it is something you have already done.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Interesting perspective, monkey. Maybe so...

      swan

      Delete
  3. Anonymous12:59 PM

    Skydiving.... newspaper had an article about an 80 year old woman who did just that. When asked...she said, "It was something I always wanted to do." Maybe zip lining would do the trick...It's exhilarating!

    Have each of you undergone the soul retrieval? Would Tom and t be willing to share any of their soul retrieval experiences? It is absolutely facinating to read about yours. It seems, in spite of your initial skepticism, to have have worked wonders in helping gain a full sense of self.

    Joyce

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Joyce, We have each undertaken our own soul retrieval with the shaman. It is a very personal and intimate sort of healing process... My sharing feels like something powerful and good for me, and it helps me to solidify my sense of wholeness. Acknowledging these bits of myself, publicly, is part of the process of welcoming them home. In time, I suspect, they won't feel so much like separate entities, and the need to name them will diminish. I'm just not there yet.

      swan

      Delete
    2. Joyce, yes we have all undergone soul retrievals, In fact I was first of the three of us to discover this alternative and to pursue it. Having undergone a soul retrieval and found it transformative I led both t and sue to pursue it for themselves. I wrote something about this in my post entitled "Transition" mid last month, but looking back on that I was vague and circumspect regarding the details of my experience. I will as time permits try to write about my soul retrieval in greater detail.

      Thank you for your interest.

      Tom

      Delete

Something to add? Enter the conversation with us.