Contact Info --

Email us --

Our Other Blogs --
We are three adults living in a polyamorous triad family. The content here is intended for an adult audience. If you are not an adult, please leave now.



We had an awful Sunday last weekend.  He reacted to the post I wrote about Making Space, and I, sensing attack (where there probably was none), went immediately into a snarling defense that left us both shaken and exhausted after an hours long standoff with one another.  In essence, His question was about what, exactly I meant by that phrase, and because I did not really know what I might mean by that, I could not tell Him in any sort of coherent and succinct fashion.  That frustrated Him, and His seeming inability / unwillingness to hear my metaphorical, allegorical musing made me feel as if I could not BE heard under any circumstances.  It was a mess.

Eventually, we wore ourselves out, found a quieter way to approach each other, and resolved to start again. We made it through the week in a sort of sad and tentative truce, and slowly, slowly relaxed toward the weekend.  Today, has been pretty good again, although we are both (I think) wary with each other.

I still don't entirely know what I mean exactly with regard to the notion of "making space."  I don't feel like it has to be a literal "moving apart" as He insists.  I feel like the idea of "space" is more complex and more subtle than the prosaic and expedient path of packing a bag and moving away.  That isn't something I want to contemplate.  I've fought hard to still be here.  I am invested.

I just keep thinking that there is space that is full of stars and planets; space that I create in the early spring as I thin the seedlings in my vegetable garden to allow the remaining plants room and resources to grow; space between the notes in a bit of music; green space that makes my neighborhood lovely and relaxing; space in my closet; spaces on a checker board; parking space; space around my dinner table; space within the atoms of the universe...

I don't yet know what I need in the way of relational space -- what we might need together.  I have not spent much time, in the last ten years, thinking about space.  While I think about it all, I offer some of the thinking that others have done about the subject:

Humor does not diminish the pain - it makes the space around it get bigger.
Allen Klein

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Viktor E. Frankl

We need to give each other the space to grow, to be ourselves, to exercise our diversity. We need to give each other space so that we may both give and receive such beautiful things as ideas, openness, dignity, joy, healing, and inclusion.
Max de Pree

Your sacred space is where you can find yourself again and again.
Joseph Campbell

The extent of your consciousness is limited only by your ability to love and to embrace with your love the space around you, and all it contains.
Napoleon Bonaparte

As long as you don't forgive, who and whatever it is will occupy rent-free space in your mind.
Isabelle Holland

Love is space and time measured by the heart.
Marcel Proust

Nothing exists except atoms and empty space; everything else is opinion.

Metaphors have a way of holding the most truth in the least space.
Orson Scott Card

Our time here is magic! It's the only space you have to realize whatever it is that is beautiful, whatever is true, whatever is great, whatever is potential, whatever is rare, whatever is unique, in. It's the only space.
Ben Okri

I think that the ideal space must contain elements of magic, serenity, sorcery and mystery.
Luis Barragan

When friendship disappears then there is a space left open to that awful loneliness of the outside world which is like the cold space between the planets. It is an air in which men perish utterly.
Hilaire Belloc

Make an empty space in any corner of your mind, and creativity will instantly fill it.
Dee Hock


  1. I'm sorry that you two are struggling with the idea of space. Good luck finding your way there.


  2. Anonymous12:02 PM

    As sin said, "sorry you are struggling with the idea of space." Having space does not necessarily mean "moving apart". It does have that connotation now a days in movies, tv shows, etc.... usually as a prelude to a break up. Perhaps that is what Tom thinks 'having space' means. Semantics are such pesky things, often the root of miscommunication.

    I've been married many years and we've always made "space" for one another. We share many common likes and do almost all our activites together. However we each have our own space. Not sure I'd call it relational space but more "recreational space." In other words we are not always in each others' "pocket". We have times where we do different things apart. Things I enjoy but he doesn't and vice versa. I go to the theater with friends and play cards once a week, stay active in my educational sorority. Retired now, he meets several friends for lunch a couple of times a month, sometimes goes fishing with his fishing pal we know forever, and does volunteer work two days a week. These kind of activities don't take time away from our 'relationship/togetherness'. They enhance it.
    Does your triad ever do things apart from one another other than work related?
    Your relationship is changing from M/s into an as yet undefined way of living. Each of you has to grow and change with it. The quotes by Max de Pree and Joseph Campbell are especially meaningful.

    We need to give each other the space to grow, to be ourselves, to exercise our diversity. We need to give each other space so that we may both give and receive such beautiful things as ideas, openness, dignity, joy, healing, and inclusion.
    Max de Pree

    Your sacred space is where you can find yourself again and again.
    Joseph Campbell

    Hope you find a good working definition to "having space" as it pertains to your relationship with Tom.

    PS LOVE THE NEW backgroud!!!

  3. I read this post last night, and all morning it's been running in the back of my head. I think ultimately everyone has to have (whether we like it or not) our own existential space. There are realities (both ultimate and intimate) that are ours alone--no matter how much one loves or submits. I was at the bedside when my mother died. And while I held her hand and stroked her face, I knew she was apart from me. I hold on tight to people I love so that I don't have to face that existential space waiting out there for me to step in. But it is there, and one cannot always evade it.

    It seems to me that you have already claimed that space, and that it has been yours for a long time. You write about your intimate life and put it out for anyone to read. You decide what you want to say and who you want to respond to. And even though it may complicate your life (as you say your recent post did), you nevertheless make this space yours. To me, your strength is your voice. (You are, of course, an amazing writer.) Your voice creates a space, and in that space is you.

    I love your quotes, particularly the Joseph Campbell. I haven't thought about him in so long; it is amazing how powerful his words are.

  4. PS I envy you being able to vote in Ohio.


Something to add? Enter the conversation with us.