Voicing the Crone

The new year approaches, and I look back and know how quiet this place has become. I've been mostly silent here as I have waited to know what it was that I might actually want or need to say.

What was, in the beginning, a "sex blog," of sorts is not that anymore.  The inevitable slide into aging is well begun for me, and the truth is that there is little that is sexy about growing older.  There is, perhaps, wisdom of a sort, but nothing juicy or sloppy as there might once have been.

I worried about the descent into crone-hood as I struggled in the weeks and months after my hysterectomy.  That was eight years ago, and I live more easily with the body I was given in the surgical suite that day.  It doesn't bring me ecstatic, orgasmic, eye-popping moments of wonder anymore (at least not very often), and I'd be lying if I claimed to be happy about that shift, but that might have come to pass in these years anyway.  The passage from fertile, sexy, vibrant woman to dry, seasoned, lined, and brittle old woman has little to recommend it, from my perspective.  Still there is no avoiding the inevitability of it.  We live.  We age.  We die.

I am not dead yet.  But this is no longer a "sex blog."  I am not willing, any longer, to put myself and my family here on display.  We are here and together and as fine as may be, but what is revealed in the archives here is part of our history and not part of our present.  I do not believe that my loves still read here, and I am quite sure that they will not write here anymore, much as I might wish otherwise.  So this place falls to me.  That being the reality, I want to retake this space for myself.  There are things that I think, and words that I would write, given space to do that.  And so, the new year will be my time to begin voicing the Crone.

Sue