Well here I am. Another day. Another exchange with Kaya. She is clear that her feelings aren't hurt, but suggests that it seems that mine, "might be."
Yes. Right. Exactly right. My feeling are hurt. By the silence in these last years. By the utter and complete absence. By the refusal to make even a single gesture of support or sustenance or empathy. That has hurt.
Because. I've been around a long time, and I've offered what I hoped were friendly and supportive words on more than one occasion -- ups and downs with her kids and her relationship. I've tried to be gentle and unobtrusive, but I've been there.
I've got that there is no entitlement here. I know we live in different worlds and have different lives. I know that we don't live near one another. I know that my way is different than her way. We aren't REALLY friends. I know.
And it still hurt. Hurts.
The circle is not that big. I don't correspond with everyone, and I don't keep up with everyone's day to day comings and goings, but if we've crossed paths, I'm going to be around. If I feel as if we've connected somehow, I'm going to notice when you struggle. I'm probably not going to reach out for every single bump, but I will reach out.
Three and a half years ago, my world fell apart around me. OUR world fell apart around all of us. I know that the issues we confronted were terribly difficult. Believe me, I really do know that. I was there. I know it has been a very, very long road, and if you got tired of waiting for us to come out from under the pile of debris, I was right there with you. I understand that perhaps it was hard on a lot of days to know what to say. I've had that experience -- when the pain is so raw and the fear is so palpable that words do not begin to express what I want to say. It is hard.
Some of you figured it out. Sent hugs. Cheered our up days and sat with us in our down moments. If you did that for me, for us, you have my forever gratitude. If you did not; if you backed away and made your silent, superior judgments; I noticed. And, yes. I hurt.
swan
Sugar, you have always been hardest on yourself. {hugs}
ReplyDeletemagdala~
yeah, I actually want the whole world to rush forward with support any time I'm down. It's like I'm in high school. I'm embarrassed sometimes by how much warmth and friendship and affection I want and expect from internet friends/strangers. Because they are a bit of each. We share some of ourselves, some of the other, and so we think we understand. And sometimes we do a little. We actually want to understand them, which is why we are reading their stories, and we want them to understand us, which is why we are writing ours.
ReplyDelete-sin
What sin said. I don't really know how not to take any of this stuff personally when I have laid myself bare for the world to see even if the world doesn't really know me. All you can do is be the person you are and react in the way you do. xx
ReplyDeleteThe internet is a strange place sometimes...everywhere yet nowhere...
ReplyDeleteI've been reading a handful of blogs, yours and Kaya's included, for many years now and feel like you are my *friends* in some ways - after all you share so much of yourselves on the page.
I'm sorry you are hurting, Sue, and send you gentle hugs.
weirdgirl
Hugs...
ReplyDeleteI have read here the last couple of days and at first I was shocked that this was coming from kaya - kaya??!!! it had to be another kaya right ??!!but I gather it's not. And then I thought - online mirrors real time (or vice versa not sure which ) cause here - in my new chosen home - I see so much of this crap - so many people pointing fingers / or disappointing / or just being plain downright rude. And it IS hurtful and I am sorry it has hurt you swan - hell you have had enough hurt to last 2 life times.............
ReplyDeletesending you hugs
So, wait. You came to my blog, read something that you thought was about you even though it wasn't, then you come back here and write two scathing, insulting posts about me, and now... NOW... I'm supposed to be sympathetic TO YOU?
ReplyDeleteJesus. Christ. I feel like I've woken up in some alternate blogosphere. I SAID NOTHING ABOUT YOU. I SAID NOTHING TO YOU. This attack of yours came out of the blue and entirely unprovoked. You should be apologizing to me! Imagine my surprise to find yesterday's post of yours on my feed. Do please tell me what I've done to earn your wrath, Sue, because quite honestly I am baffled as FUCK here.
Alright, fine. Let's "throw down" Sue. First you tell me that I'm 'judgmental, arrogant, nasty" even though I have never, in all the years we've read each others blog, said a SINGLE judgmental word to you about your relationship. Never. Then you say I have some mystical power to "proclaim what is and what is not"- though I've said repeatedly that I DO NOT CARE HOW ANYONE ELSE RUNS THEIR RELATIONSHIP- but now.. now that I keep saying I don't care, now you're hurt that I don't care.
Are you fucking kidding me? Do you hear yourself right now?
First, saying that I don't care how you live your relationship with Tom does NOT translate into I don't care about YOU. You want to know why I've been so silent here on your blog, Sue? Do you REALLY want to know what I think about Tom and how he's treated you these last couple of years? Because I've followed my own fucking rules of minding my own fucking business about a relationship that isn't mine to judge or to criticize and I've stayed silent and let you do your thing...
And ironically, here we are. I'm being trash talked because I minded my own business and didn't judge you and didn't tell you how it should be. I'm being insulted for doing what you are preaching I should do.
You created a relationship between you and I that doesn't exist, that I never EVER fostered and you got pissed because I wasn't your cheerleader over here in fucking Insanity Land. Well boo-fucking-hoo, Sue.
Seriously. Fuck off.
I am sorry you have been hurt, and i understand why....and mostly i find lots of support with this community. But we only get a part of everyone's picture...hugs abby
ReplyDeleteQ.E.D.
ReplyDeletesue - what is Q E D ??? showing my ignorance here
DeleteQ.E.D. -- An abbreviation of the Latin phrase "quod erat demonstrandum". It literally translates as "which was to be demonstrated", and is a formal way of ending a mathematical, logical or physical proof. It's purpose is to alert the reader that the immediately previous statement, which naturally was arrived at by an unbroken chain of logic, was the original statement that we were trying to prove.
DeleteWhy does it have to be that silence equates to "superior judgements"?
ReplyDeleteWhy can't it be that if there is a loss for words, or that if you don't have anything good to say, then don't say anything?
I just don't get the judgementalism that's going on here. Honestly. Kaya wasn't talking about you .you made it personal. Then a shit storm happened. Personally I think you invited her angry response because you made something that wasn't remotely about you...about you.