Well here I am. Another day. Another exchange with Kaya. She is clear that her feelings aren't hurt, but suggests that it seems that mine, "might be."
Yes. Right. Exactly right. My feeling are hurt. By the silence in these last years. By the utter and complete absence. By the refusal to make even a single gesture of support or sustenance or empathy. That has hurt.
Because. I've been around a long time, and I've offered what I hoped were friendly and supportive words on more than one occasion -- ups and downs with her kids and her relationship. I've tried to be gentle and unobtrusive, but I've been there.
I've got that there is no entitlement here. I know we live in different worlds and have different lives. I know that we don't live near one another. I know that my way is different than her way. We aren't REALLY friends. I know.
And it still hurt. Hurts.
The circle is not that big. I don't correspond with everyone, and I don't keep up with everyone's day to day comings and goings, but if we've crossed paths, I'm going to be around. If I feel as if we've connected somehow, I'm going to notice when you struggle. I'm probably not going to reach out for every single bump, but I will reach out.
Three and a half years ago, my world fell apart around me. OUR world fell apart around all of us. I know that the issues we confronted were terribly difficult. Believe me, I really do know that. I was there. I know it has been a very, very long road, and if you got tired of waiting for us to come out from under the pile of debris, I was right there with you. I understand that perhaps it was hard on a lot of days to know what to say. I've had that experience -- when the pain is so raw and the fear is so palpable that words do not begin to express what I want to say. It is hard.
Some of you figured it out. Sent hugs. Cheered our up days and sat with us in our down moments. If you did that for me, for us, you have my forever gratitude. If you did not; if you backed away and made your silent, superior judgments; I noticed. And, yes. I hurt.