Safe Words

Morningstar wrote recently about the place of safe words, and the whole BDSM slogan of SSC (safe, sane, and consensual). Her ponderings on the topic were triggered (at least in part) by kaya's recent experiences and her discussion of the lack of safe words within her relationship.

As I have followed the conversation, I've been made aware (again) of the philosophy regarding "safety" and the practice regarding safe words in our relationship.

First with regard to the general issue of safety, all of us believe and that those who participate in the lifestyle should pay attention to issues of safety, and that individuals must be responsible for ensuring their own safety. When we encounter people who are first reaching out to others and meeting relative or TOTAL strangers for the purpose of engaging in BDSM, we encourage, and even harp upon the use of common safety procedures and practices -- like safe calls. We have served as the safe call on more than one occasion, and YES we have called the police when a pre-arranged safe call did not come as scheduled.


Safe words are another practice that engenders a great deal of discussion among lifestyle practitioners. There are surely commonly understood protocols and widely taught procedures around how safe words work. We know all the "accepted" safe word theories and practices. We don't follow the "rules."

For us, the use of safe words is very clearly defined. I am expected, and even required, to safe word -- IF there is anything happening that is unsafe. The definition is very clear. Unsafe would be some condition that would threaten my health or well-being. So, if I am having chest pains or trouble breathing, or serious unusual or unexplained numbness, or a loss of vision, -- I better be making that clear to Him immediately. He absolutely demands that in a situation where my actual "safety" is jeopardized, I have the obligation and requirement to make sure He knows about it.

In His view, and hence, in mine, the fact that something He is doing hurts, or that I am panicked, frightened, angry, resentful, or just not in the mood, do not constitute safety issues. Any move on my part to end or control a session under those circumstances, results in immediate and convincing corrective measures. I don't get to grab the control in that fashion. It simply is not allowed. Safe words are to ensure my safety. Period.

I believe that, if I were allowed to pull that sort of power grab, I very likely would -- at least sometimes. It is not all that uncomon for me to feel pushed beyond what would feel like MY limits in a session. If I were given the freedom to make the call, I'd most likely call it off, and so miss out on the chance to go the distance and find myself on the other side. That would be a pity.

In actual practice, I very seldom find myself in any distress that He doesn't already recognize. I can, and have, asked for His indulgence if I find myself dealing with circumstances that are not "life-threatening" but are causing me distress. So for example, since getting my "old, creaky" frame arranged as it needs to be is not as easy as it once was, He may slow down and wait while I arrange or rearrange. Sometimes, He will allow me extra time, or take a break while I work out a cramp. Those kinds of situations are not my call -- I may ask but I don't control the situation. He deals with whatever information I might give Him in those instances as He will.

I know that there are many who always play with safe words. We do play in public venues where there are accepted norms for how and what works as a safe word. For those who are "new" and "exploring" and possibly playing with multiple partners, it probably makes sense to have some sort of understanding about communicating things like "continue" and "stop" and "slow down" -- especially in cases where the power dynamic is still in the formative stage. It just isn't our way.