I have a suspicion.
It is difficult to look at clearly. Because it makes me ashamed.
If you've read here at all for the last year, you have heard endless tales of my growing sadness and depression -- attributed largely to the aftermath of my hysterectomy a year ago, and the decline in my sexual response following that surgery. That hasn't been inaccurate exactly, but it also hasn't been entirely truthful either.
There was more to the story. There were secrets that I kept about my anger and my sadness.
The new year approaches and I want 2007 to be better. So it is time to begin as I mean to go forward.
What lives on in the archives here as "The Thang," but in my mind and heart as a terrifically challenging and intense passage, hurt me.
A person who approached me as a "friend" very quickly turned her considerable energies to building a relatinship with Master. Things intensified quickly and I did not adjust nearly as quickly as the evolving situation demanded. In the end, it all came to a very difficult and unpleasant conclusion. Our lives eventually settled back into our accustomed pattern and life went on.
For me, though, some of the wounds never healed fully. I sank into my own convoluted thinking and told myself stories that weren't necessarily true. I came away with lessons learned that have caused me real pain. I learned that people who claim to be friends may not be all that friendly. I learned that I can be dropped off the edge of an emotional cliff whenever the relational territory shifts, and I learned that can happen without any warning. I learned that all the rootless, unconnectedness of my life does not give me any claim to being held secure if what that requires restricts the "freedom" of the rest of the family.
All of that was there, still tender, still fresh -- and then the surgery knocked me down for emphasis.
I haven't played it fairly. Because I haven't told the truth about how hurt or angry I was. There it is.
My suspicion? I really probably have been depressed, but in some ways, being sad and depressed has given me control. I've kept Him close because He's been worried. It is a kind of power that comes from being weak and broken. A terrible inversion. Ugly and sneaky and destructive.
I want no more depression. I want no more anti-depressant medications. I want no more hours spent with the therapist guy. I want to live and BE again, whole and balanced and alive.
The time for living with an abiding suspicion of everyone who comes seeking friendship is past. The time for trying to chain Him down with my saddness is way past. I'll never get my chance to stomp the one I'd really like to stomp, and if it came to it, I'd probably not actually do it.
Time to let it go. Time to move on. Time for a new year.
swan
That must have been very difficult for you to write swan..... and having written it .. it is now real.. and a thing of the past.....
ReplyDeleteyou are quite right .. it is time to move forward and i can see you doing it with a firm and confident step!
morningstar (owned by Warren)
Wow...you just blow me away. You are so good at peeling the onion. I stand in awe.
ReplyDeletethere are things I need to look at in my own life. I hope I can find your courage to do so.
~hugs~
Bravo!!!! Good for you, to say it and set it free... set YOU free from how it pulls you under. Your strength just awes me at times. May the new year bring you - all of you - much peace and healing where need be.
ReplyDeleteI hesitate to comment because so often I find that what I have to say comes out negative.
ReplyDeleteFirst let me praise you for the courage to look into yourself and discover (perhaps) some of the underlying causes of your depression. Depression, like any other physical ailment, is something you have to take ownership of. It’s a great deal like the Diabetes that your master and I are afflicted with. Very often we can look back and see mistakes made which may – or may not – have contributed to the development of this disease. We simply don’t know if we had been “smarter” or “more disciplined” that we would never have been forced to deal with it. The fact is, however, that we do have to deal with it and our loved ones have to deal with it as well. There is no doubt that, if we take charge of the disease, we can limit its effect and even make its treatment more effective. In my case, however, no amount of will power is going to make it go away to the point that I will not need insulin.
Some of your comments worry me a little. They sound so much like the newly born again Christian who is convinced that there new found belief in Christ will deliver them from the scourge of depression without the need for medication or professional help.
I have absolutely no doubt that you will overcome your depression. Perhaps you have reached the point where you are, in fact, cured.
I would urge you, however, not to throw away your crutches and go dancing into the future singing “I am cured!..Praise Jesus I am cured!
[I have a picture in my mind of your actually doing this. A far more amusing picture is that of you masters reaction! - It wouldn’t be pritty.]
Hang in there,
Jack
PS Ihave signed in as anonymous because I have done something stupid with my goole account.
(again)