We are dancing nearer and nearer to the edge together.
It is good.
It is very scary.
I know that there will be a day when we will take the leap, and I believe that it will be the day when I will finally be assured that I am healed and "back" again.
Still each step nearer to the precipice sends me flying into His arms, buried in His embrace, shaking and terrified, certain that utter destruction awaits me beyond that line that exists (perhaps) only in my imagination.
Before...
We shared the great joy and intimacy of vaginal fisting. It was a gift that He gave to me, early in our relationship, guiding me carefully and with a sure and experienced hand (forgive me the pun) as I learned to "do" it with Him.
Since my surgery, we haven't resumed it. I am, in every medical sense, healed. I have the opinion of the doctor, who sees me at the women's sexual health clinic, assures me that I "should" be able to fist without any problem.
No problem.
Except that in my head, there's a real problem. I'm scared to death -- terrified that He'll punch right through the end of what's left of my vaginal vault. After all, there's no "top" left at the top anymore.
And in physical reality, there's serious uncharted territory to be rediscovered. Our regular sex life does not involve deep penetration. There are places that have been left in unexplored darkness this last year -- places where scar tissue looms tender in my body and HUGE in my imagination.
We are getting better and better. Finding a new place to stand together. One day, very soon, we'll go together to the edge and leap into the darkness.
Wish us well.
swan
It is good.
It is very scary.
I know that there will be a day when we will take the leap, and I believe that it will be the day when I will finally be assured that I am healed and "back" again.
Still each step nearer to the precipice sends me flying into His arms, buried in His embrace, shaking and terrified, certain that utter destruction awaits me beyond that line that exists (perhaps) only in my imagination.
Before...
We shared the great joy and intimacy of vaginal fisting. It was a gift that He gave to me, early in our relationship, guiding me carefully and with a sure and experienced hand (forgive me the pun) as I learned to "do" it with Him.
Since my surgery, we haven't resumed it. I am, in every medical sense, healed. I have the opinion of the doctor, who sees me at the women's sexual health clinic, assures me that I "should" be able to fist without any problem.
No problem.
Except that in my head, there's a real problem. I'm scared to death -- terrified that He'll punch right through the end of what's left of my vaginal vault. After all, there's no "top" left at the top anymore.
And in physical reality, there's serious uncharted territory to be rediscovered. Our regular sex life does not involve deep penetration. There are places that have been left in unexplored darkness this last year -- places where scar tissue looms tender in my body and HUGE in my imagination.
We are getting better and better. Finding a new place to stand together. One day, very soon, we'll go together to the edge and leap into the darkness.
Wish us well.
swan
Yes swan, and when you get there you'll be well on the way to being whole.
ReplyDeleteMy love and healing thoughts are with you, always.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
I know you will get there too! *hugs*
ReplyDelete