This is not swan. It is Raheretic (Tom). We are, to say the least, in a state of disarray tonight. I had an early evening meeting at work (downtown) with a fundraising event committee getting me out of there about 7:15 PM. T of course works until 7:00 PM downtown, and so was headed home on a similar time frame.
Tonight at 6:15 was sue's first appointment with her new counselor. She was up half of last night anguishing over the prospect. She really reacts to this buiness of seeking mental health care with terrible stigma, no matter what anyone tells her. She knows that this means she is mentally ill and that means she is wrong and defective.
You may recall that she had seen a "kink aware professional" I located for her earlier this year. He suggested she make changes she didn't feel were realistic and she didn't like him. She stopped seeing him.
I purposely was only peripherally involved in selecting this one. I was somewhat more involved though after she located the one we wrote about a few days ago who seemed intent on providing "Christian counseling." But this one really was mostly her choice.
She phoned me as I was only a few minutes into my drive home. She was crying so hard it was difficult to understand her. Apparently her new counselor spent most of their hour together lecturing her that of course she was depressed and having rages. No woman could react any other way to the way she was living. She doesn't know if she really belongs. She is only there to the extent whe is permitted to be. Her life is totally hopeless. The only "cure" for her is for her to leave t and I and find a decent relationship.
In her initial email to these folks she had specified that she was in a polyamorous BDSM lifestyle. He had no knowledge of this and didn't understand what those terms meant. Apparently it was when she defined polyamory that he launched into his tyrade the rest of the hour. She was (and is) so devastated that she offered no rejoinder. It sounds like an hour of therapy spent listening to his ravings with very little input from her.
She came home, and amidst all this, had dinner on the table when t and I arrived (talk about an amazing slave). I did as much hugging and assuring her I love her forever and always will as I could, but she had developed a migraine........huge surprise.....on top of it we have a major front moving in, the only significant rain front we've had in two and a half months. She is passed out, snoring away on the couch, sleeping off a migraine med.
So do I suggest going back there (a clinic like pracitce with seeral practitioners.....maybe they'd have a reasonable one....if you could ever get her to set oot in the place again), or go back to the kink aware guy, who may seem less noxious, or try to fine someone esle? Or do I hope this will have made her feel so defensive of our lifestyle and maybe if she gets some appropriate meds (if we can find a practitioner for that) she will feel better? ( I know that sounds nuts..but I'm feeling desperate.) Or..........I don't know what the other "or" is.
I will wake her up now and take her to bed and do my best to hold her all I can and assure her I'll always love her all ways and always.
That is how it went.
Thank you so much for all your support and insght from most of you.
For the occasional Christian who has commented here, you won this day, but you won't win the war. We will keep our swan and see her well.
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
I honestly don't think she should return to the clinic - one counselor has set the tone for the clinic and it is likely she would be dealing with the same thing. If it was me, I would go back to the kink friendly counselor unless I really didn't feel I could establish a rapport with him. I know that he made suggestions for changes which she didn't like but the counselor is there to do just that - offer suggestions based on the history given to them and their experience. Doesn't mean you have to agree - the patient/therapist relationship is a working one, constantly evolving and sometimes they do say things we may not want to hear. If that option is out, I would look for a counselor who works with the GLBT community - at least the odds would be in favor of being open minded enough to not be shocked by the poly or the bdsm. Usually the bdsm is more of an issue (you can get people who automatically jump on the "abused" bandwagon).
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile, she might want to see if her family practice doctor can prescribe her meds based on symptoms. Lots of family practice, general practice, and internists will prescribe anti depressants and such.
I am so sorry you all are having to wade thru the quagmire to find some help. I wish you all luck in finding someone.
i know that you are looking at any and all possible therapists in the hopes of finding someone who will be the right fit for swan.
ReplyDeletehave you considered family therapy? i ask this because one of its benefits is that all three of you would have one another, along with someone who is trained in family dynamics - and in this kind of therapy, the process is speedier - not always fun - but for sure, if handled skillfully, can get to the issues and address them in a much quicker way than other forms of therapy.
two suggestions - the ackerman institute in nyc is considered the premier place for this and i believe that they have a referral service for therapists who have been trained there and live in other parts of the States.
also, you might want to read Fishing for Baracuda by Joel Bergman. he's a family therapist in nyc and his book describes how the process works...like i said, it's not always fun but it is very effective, particularly when a family is in crisis and needs to get stuff sorted out ASAP.
my thoughts are with all of you.
Since I appear to be the only commentator who has professed a belief in Christianity I must assume that most of your hatred and vitriol are aimed at me.
ReplyDeleteI had promised myself to refrain from any further attempts to express my respect and good will towards Sue because it is finally clear to me that anything I say will be twisted to fit your bigotry and repulsion towards what you think I think.
I can’t emerge victorious in a war I never wanted nor win a battle I never fought.
I am truly appalled at Sue’s experience but can do or say nothing that would be helpful. (Except, perhaps, to be a lightning rod for your wrath.)
I wish you well and will trouble you no further.
Jack
Tom and Swan,
ReplyDeleteAs I have posted before, I am a therapist. I speak from years of experience. It is not a therapist's job to define right and wrong. It is a therapist's job to find the source of the client's pain and help them to heal. That cannot be done from anything but a loving perspective. You found a bad therapist. They are out there, obviously.
Swan is in too much ongoing pain, and for too long, to think the healing can take place on its own. Depression is brutally painful at times. PLEASE do not give up seeking help!
For what it is worth, this is what I would do. First, I would go to your 'kink aware' list and start there. The issue is not only of the therapist's view, but even of their education in lifestyle alternatives. It is too much work to have to educate the therapist.
Go down the list and start calling. Insist on a phone interview first. You have the right to that. Tom, you can do this for Swan if she wishes, or you can even do it together on speaker phone. It should take 5-10 minutes of the therapist's time, and if they are not willing to give you that, you don't want to see them anyway. Move on to the next.
On the phone briefly lay out who you are, how you live, what you need from a therapist. YOU need to interview THEM. See if you feel at all comfortable talking to this person. You need to find someone who you like and who you feel would be able to like you...that you can 'click' with. That might sound a bit strange to you, but unlike a medical Dr. this is your heart and spirit you are talking about before you can nget to the psychological issues. The emotional connection needs to be there to develop the trust, a relationship, for therapeutic healing to begin to occur.
I am so sorry you had such an awful experience! If anything like that ever happens again, get up and walk out. You deserve kindness and respect, whether a practitioner approves or not of your lifestyle choices!
Please feel free to email me if you have questions. Sara
Jesus. Poor swan just can't catch a break.
ReplyDeleteI agree with what Sara said. You are hiring them to do a service for you. At the very least, they should be interviewed (and maybe it is something that you, Tom, should do. If for no other reason than to 'protect' swan from any further unwanted "advice"). As in every profession there are going to be those not suited to your specific needs. But, certainly there is no other option than to keep trying to find someone who can help.
I know it's of little value coming from strangers across cyber-space but we do care and we are wishing the best for your family. I think all of us wish we could do something to help.
kaya
all i can do is echo sara and kaya's words..
ReplyDeletei can only imagine the hurt swan is feeling right now..... and how i wish i were there to give her a tight hug.... and then trust me i would march over to that therapist and give him a piece of my mind..... i just have NO patience with people like that..
please know Sir and i are keeping you all in our thoughts....
morningstar (owned by Warren)
co-owner of drakor
I was so angry reading this post that I was hissing and spitting like a cat in a cat fight. The nerve of some people!
ReplyDeleteSara said so well what I was thinking. You need to interview therapists much as you would an interior designer, a contractor or even a new family Doctor.
Some years ago when the Other had his affair we sought a counselor. I spoke to several on the phone first and at the first meeting with the one I chose, *I* laid down the ground rules. I explained our lifestyle and that it would not change and I also explained that divorce was NOT an option and if she felt that she couldn't see us without trying to lead us in that direction then we would go elsewhere. We were seeking tools to help with a loss of trust and the healing process wwe were not looking for a divorce or change of lifestyle.
Have you ever noticed that if you visit a hospital after visiting hours, and you look lost and ask where to go the staff always points you towards the door and tells you to come back during hours. But if you walk with confidence in where you are going no one ever questions your being there?
I think finding the right therapist is much like that. Go confidently in the direction you want to head and no one will try and stop you.
Do interviews, set the ground rules and if they are not willing to work within what you set (while also leaving yourself open to ideas that might be adapted to your individual situation) then move down the list to the next one.
While you are at it, perhaps a complaint about the therapist in question is also in order. No one hired to help you is at liberty to abuse you.
{{{HUGS}}} swan, believe in yourself and others will also.
magdala~
dear swan, Tom & T,
ReplyDeleteothers have said it so well already, just add my <<<<< hugs >>>>> to the pile.
I just wanted to offer what words I could. I think that the number of commenters who have stepped forward to offer sympathy speaks loudly.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who deals with therapists and is on medication for a mental illness, I've seen the benefits it's had in my life. I've seen my therapist disapprove of my lifestyle choices and I once found a very well written article about the Submissive Borderline that I brought in with me and had her read. I'll try and dig it up, I know it's posted on my blog... somewhere.
It will be difficult to trust another therapist, but if you can find the right one, therapy is often a great benefit to have in your life. And I've seen the stability that regular medication has brought in my life, and I'm thankful for the little pills that help me be the best me I can be.
Anyways, best of luck to you and your clan as you sort through this mess.
I am so sorry to hear about this! My heart goes out to all of you, especially swan for having had to endure this latest horrible experience. I can't imagine how hard this must be for all of you.
ReplyDeleteYou've received some great advice and I wish I had something to add, but I'm afraid I don't. Just know you're in my thoughts.
(((HUGS)))
Bethie