Please Remember You are Listening to Me, Mostly...

Wandering Traveler commented this way on my last post:

if one person in a relationship finds it their natural inclination to want
to be intimate with others for whatever reason, and another in relationship with
them finds it in their natural inclination to not want to share, where is the
win/win state? who's needs come first? which are needs and which are merely
wants? does that matter? and in a case such as yours, because he is your Master,
does that mean he is the authority for you in ALL aspects of your life, even if
his choices go against your well-being? can anyone know your heart better than
you? you've written about this before, insightfully so, so this is a
long-standing struggle.

At the risk of falling into the trap of "protesting too much," and knowing that I've probably done this all before, I'm going to try to address some of the questions and concerns that I know are embedded in that (I am sure) well-meaning set of queries/statements.

First of all, it is important to remember, as you read here, that however we name this place, mostly it is me. Master and T seldom write here. They could, but neither of them seem to feel the drive to pour out words in this place, and of course, neither of them are under any particular directive to do that. So, the point of view and perspective is almost entirely mine. I am not dishonest in my reporting here, but I am one person, with my own perceptions and reactions. You are not, in reading here, getting a balanced view of our lives or of the cast of characters in this little family drama. You are liable to get a whole lot more of "me" in the upcoming weeks and months. I have considered taking my "therapeutic" meanderings to some other "private" blog, but it seems counterproductive to take whatever is about to happen out of this place. When this is done, I hope it will form a valuable part of the fabric of this story.

Then, please keep in mind that ours is a relationship that is grounded in a power-exchange dynamic. He is "Master," and, as such, He does have the authority and right to make decisions in ALL areas of my life. There are many areas where He chooses not to exercise that authority, and I have a good deal of autonomy, but that is only because He gives me that latitude. He does not act in ways that are purposefully detrimental to my well-being or happiness. He invests significant energy in seeing to my health, happiness, and overall wellness. Still, it is the nature of our life together that the balance between us is specifically unequal. His needs and wants DO come first, if it comes down to it. That is not something that should be construed as a negative. It is something that I sought out, asked for, wanted, chose. It is not something that has ever been "imposed on" me. Further, when I can feel that balance slipping toward something that others might feel is more "fair" and equitable, it makes me uneasy and anxious. I realize that this is a reality that is difficult to credit and understand, but it is the truth and honest fact of my life and the essence of who I am. To deny this is to deny my very core being.

I do struggle with the gap between "being poly" at a philosophical, intellectual level, and "doing poly" in the immediate and real place where a potential new person is on the horizon. That is what you have seen me struggle with here on more than one occasion, if you have been reading for more than just a little bit. I am not proud of that struggle. I wish I were less "freaked out" by that passage from theory to practice. It would be easier for us all. There are a whole lot of factors to that particular bumpiness. If you read carefully, you could probably make the list up for yourself. I won't bore you with running it all again. I do think, however, that it trivializes the truth of our lives to simply reduce this to His "wants" versus my "wants." His inclination to be poly, and hence NEED others in His life, is no less valid than my inclination to be more singular, and hence NEED a focused intimacy. I don't believe that one of those inclinations should necessarily trump the other. Further, I'm not sure they are mutually exclusive. I am pretty well convinced that there is a way to reconcile the two of them, given the appropriate set of circumstances, and enough time, and enough space, and the right people. I know that a disastrously abortive venture in the past (with a dreadfully unqualified potential partner) left its own scarring that has never really healed, and that we've mostly avoided processing that because we each have our own hurts around it that are very tender.

I think poly is enormously complicated. We've been doing it the way we do it for well over five years now, and we know very few "families" like ours. There are a number of more loosely associated poly groupings that we know of, where the intimate expectations and interpersonal intensity levels are somewhat lower. That sort of "organization" may make it easier. I don't know. I do know that knowing and understanding and believing in the theories doesn't make the feelings and emotional reactions disappear. Human interrelatedness is the most complex undertaking in which we can engage. I think we've been learning together all these years. I think we've had some real and significant challenges along the way. I know that I'm ready to leave the hurts behind; heal from the wounds; and move forward. I believe that it is possible to do that and come together to something good for us all. That is the work that I think we are all hoping to do in these next months.

swan