Here's How This is Going to Work for Now...

I've not had a good sense of my own balance in these last months. That is the simple truth. What was once very clear and straightforward for me has seemed difficult and confusing and frustrating and painfully uncertain. Considering all that went into the decision to come to this point in my life, knowing how long I wandered without a clear sense of my "self" before I got to this life, that is not a good feeling. I do not want to go back to the way my life was before I chose this way. But I have not been "happy" lately, and that has put a strain on all of us.


When things first began to go this way, I believed that it was all tied to the recovery from the surgery and the hormonal issues related to that. I really assumed that, as I healed physically, my emotional state would right itself as well. Then it became clear that, in the surgical aftermath, I was never going to regain my full sexual functioning and responsiveness, and there was the long and frustrating (and mostly fruitless) medical saga related to trying to reverse that reality. I alternated from hope to hopelessness, with a fair measure of shame and feeling pretty well worthless as a woman thrown in for good measure. Under it all, and around it all, I seethed with anger over the circumstances that brought me to this point in the first place.



The whole business rocked me to my foundations. I felt like I'd suddenly awakened in a foreign place; in a world I no longer understood; in a body that didn't feel familiar -- nothing seemed to make any sense anymore. That has been scary. I've been scared for most of the last year and a half. Not all of the time, but a lot of the time. Scared in strange, nebulous, undefined, non-sensical ways. The assumptions and understandings and rationales that had informed my life have seemed not "solid" anymore and I have felt completely without moorings. That has been a construct of my own making and not something that anyone has done to me, but my inability to settle those sensations has made me difficult to live with or keep a handle on a good bit of the time. I have been emotionally volatile, angry, passive aggressive, weepy -- difficult.


Every now and then, the fog would lift and things would settle for just a bit; I'd have a sense that my feet were on some sort of solid ground, and I'd think that I was back on safe territory again... but it has just not lasted very long at a stretch, and I've come to not trust that sense of feeling "steady" anymore. I have wanted, deperately, to believe that I had the personal strength and character to simply beat this myself; that somehow intellect and awareness and intent would be enough to best this and get me through to the other side, but it is clear that I do not have the personal resources to do this without some sort of outside assistance. If I am going to get my life back the way I want it to be, I must find someone to help me walk the path that is ahead of me. I know that.



Still I am feeling terribly afraid of what that means, and horribly vulnerable and exposed. I think that those are feelings that almost anyone would have going into this, but it feels even more risky to me BECAUSE of my (and our) lifestyle. That may, perhaps, sound overly melodramatic. It isn't intended to seem that way. I think that if someone leads a basically mainstream, "vanilla" life, as does my long-time reader (and often angry commenter), Jack, it is very hard to comprehend the level of "outside-ness" that goes with living this lifestyle. If your life and lifestyle is just "assumed" to be right and reasonable and normal, then it is very difficult to have any sense of what it is like to live a life that is simply "assumed" to be wrong and unreasonable and absolutely NOT normal. There may be (probably are) some communities here and there where the general atmosphere is more open and more accepting, but that is not Cincinnati. This is one of the least tolerant, most conservative, right-wing fundamentalist, close-minded places one might imagine. If I were not kinky; if I were merely liberal and free-thinking and unconventional and inclined to question authority and do things in ways that others might not find "usual," I'd be nervous about putting myself in the hands of a home-grown, Cincinnati born-and-bred counsellor or therapist. That midwestern, parochial mindset would make me feel very nervous and uncomfortable -- if that were all there were to get past in the initial interview. AND I am kinky. Alternative. BDSM. Poly... So the first bit of talking is likely to be "interesting" at best. At worst. At least. Gulp.

So. Yeah. I'm choosing. Picking and choosing. Eliminating the blatantly, overtly Christian folks based purely on the fact that they are "trumpeting" that aspect of their perspective. It might be that they are wonderful and tolerant and open and non-judgemental and talented and perceptive and just everything that I need to help me find my way, but I just don't think the odds are very good. I suspect that the likelihood is far greater that when I lay out the story of my life and lifestyle that there will be raised eyebrows and shocked looks and subtle or maybe not so subtle moves to dissuade me from the choices I've made about my life. Some people may think that might be a good thing. I know those folks are out there, and I know some of them are not as lacking in subtlety as Jack. They think what they think and just don't say anything. Oh well. I spent years and decades learning to make my peace with this part of who I am -- learning to understand the kinky drives that drive me. I like that part of me (mostly). I value that part of me. I will not knowingly put myself in the position of having to defend that part of myself to someone in exchange for help sorting out what needs sorting.

I am going to find someone to walk the path with me to some kind of calm with where I am in my life. I believe there is that place and I believe there is that person. I do not believe that I have to deny my own self to have that occur. I am glad for any and all support that friends are willing to offer. Those of you who have sent emails, made phone calls, offered words of encouragement, prayed, chanted, burned incense, danced, sang, meditated, had a drink for me and us... whatever it is that you belive will bring healing and wellness and energy and power into the work of balancing my life -- know that I am grateful and glad for all of it; I will take all the help I can get. If, however, you are feeling the need to beat up on me or on us; if you are wanting to berate or judge or just plain bully one or the other of us, be warned, I am not feeling constrained to play nice these days -- if you give me reason to feel hurt about how you are appoaching me just now, I will not consider you a friend. I haven't the energy to accommodate those who have nothing positive to offer.

swan