Immediate Aftermath of Betrayal

I want to thank all of you who have written here or who have written swan off list offering support and concern and caring. It truly has helped her in the immediate aftermath of this disaster.

I want to thank too those mental health professionals in our midst who have sent us their insights and opinions.

We were talking last night and she is not certain how she will move ahead.

She risked giving me a lot of feedback about openness and honesty she'd like to see in my relationship with her that she thinks will help her, and I am going to work to make those changes. Last night she seemed to be in a place of feeling that if she had that change, resumed exercising, started taking herbal anti-depressants, and just continued living, so that the loss and huge transition the hysterectomy and concomitant menopause has created, falls more distantly into her past, that she might be fine. I'm not sure if I buy that, but am certainly ready to do my part to make changes in our relationship (greater honesty, more directness, particularly with regard to my desire for SM with others, etc.)

Some of you I think may have missed (and please, I'm not being critical...It was wonderful you cared enough to spend energy on our situation and to write us trying to help) that we did check the kink aware professional list. It would be so awesome if we lived where there was a list of KAP's from which to choose, so we could look down the "list" and interview all of them. Our reality is that there is one kink aware counselor within feasible distance of us. I did interview him at the beginning of this year as well as some other counselors/psychologists, etc. I found him excellent in terms of his credentials, his history of affiliations with agencies in our community, and his record with our state in terms of the absence of any complaints, ever, despite a lengthy career. (I happen to have a Masters in Counseling Psychology and direct a nonprofit social service agency here, and so know how to access relevant information). She did see him. I accompanied her to her first visit and was included in the session. The fact is she didn't feel comfortable with their direction and ended the relationship after about 5 (?) sessions. By the way, I still think he is quite good and I would happily refer people to see him whether part of the kink community or not. Sue simply didn't feel that their conversation was headed in a helpful direction, and hated going to therapy.

I didn't do the prescreening this time fearing that perhaps it was my rather directive (imagine that......me......being directive:) and very participatory approach to brokering her/our relationship with that therapist might have been part of the problem.

I'm aware of family (conjoint) therapy as one of you suggested. The issue we have regarding that is that (were we, first of all, to be able to find a competent, knowledgeable, respectful, etc. therapist) health insurance doesn't cover anything other than individual therapy. Thus, there is little market for such approaches, leading practitioners to not develop capacity to deliver that style of therapy. Additionally when it is discussed (I asked), it is generally priced at individual counseling rates. So if we would imagine individual counseling going off at somewhere between $80.00 and $150.00/hour, then the three of us in conjoint therapy would be priced at $240.00 to $450.00/hour. We are talking about taking on an expense that would likely average perhaps $1500.00 a month. We don't have $1500.00/month to pay for this.

One of the challenges we have in discussing this is that I love therapy. I'd love it if we got into conjoint therapy. I enjoy getting down and mucking about in our feelings and motivations and histories and behaviors, etc. within the context of a relationship with a good therapist. Swan hates it and feels stripped and vulnerable and embarrassed and humiliated. T too feels she would rather do anything than have to discuss her feelings. All that aside, though, conjoint therapy is simply not economically possible for us.

So it's, been just one day since swan met this asshole, and she is recovered amazingly well considering how distraught this made her. Having said that she awoke this morning "all wired-up" having spent a good bit of her early morning lying awake replaying the session Monday evening over in her head, and being upset by it.

I've told her that I think returning to seeing the local KAP would make sense with suggestions as to how she might handle it when she doesn't like their direction. I too have left the door open for her to follow the exercise, and relational change approach, if she feels that is what she needs for now.....maybe forever. I am not usually such an indecisive, participatory partner in our 'stuff." I don't feel my compelling her to do psychotherapy or mandating a specific therapist would help her.....not unless her depression were to worsen greatly (although admittedly you are listening to the diagnosis of someone with whom he is deeply in love with, living with, etc., not an impartial professional, so who knows.)

Anyway THANK YOU so much for all the kind words. I know how impotent it often feels, sitting at a keyboard, knowing someone you have come to care for is hurting, but having nothing more tangible to offer than expressions of concern, sympathy, empathy, etc. This time your expressions of caring and support actually helped, and are very deeply appreciated.

As we go forward if you have thoughts, feelings, caring, please let us know.

All the best:)

Tom

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.