Exploring Together

In just over a month, it will be two years since I had surgery that changed the world for me in terms of my sexuality, and set off a cascade of emotional responses that have rocked me and set the two of us on our heads in terms of how to manage our power exchange relationship. Two years is a long time -- longer, surely, than we ever expected for this recovery to take. Still, I am convinced that I am healed in terms of the physical aftermath of the surgery, and I really do think that I am coming through much of the emotional turmoil that resulted from the negative impacts of that surgical event.

He and I have come to understand, that we have a path to walk together if we want to go forward from this point as lovers. That is the part of all of this that has been complicated and challenging for both of us -- it is one thing to simply look at the relational power dynamics and note what is and is not "possible" within the boundaries of that agreement. He can, surely, simply make a decision or choice about what He will do with regard to me, and that is that. He could have done that at any point within the last two years. What I want, need, like, think, or feel about any of that does not really enter into the parameters of THAT power dynamic. Simple.

Except that it is not that simple. He loves me. I love Him. We are partners, friends, lovers -- even as we are Master and slave. I know that there are those, within the lifestyle, who insist that power exchange and love are mutually exclusive. I do think that it may be far easier for the Dominant side of a power exchange dynamic to inflict pain and exert control when there is no emotional attachment or feeling for the submissive partner. I have seen Master struggle with His own uncertainties about what to do with regard to my ambivalence, fear, panic, anger, emotional volatility, and frustration in these last two years. How much easier it would have been for Him, if He had not cared -- truly and passionately cared -- for me at the same time that He wanted and intended that we would once again move forward as Master and slave. He has consistently worked to find the way forward for us both -- even when I was actively or passively undermining that effort.

It does feel, though, that we've begun to turn the corner. Hopefully, I'm not jinxing things by giving voice to that . I'm feeling more balanced, and more centered, day by day. I have been taking St. John's Wort for the last couple of weeks, and I've added fish oil to my regimen. I am trying to get more exercise (although that is not a very consistent thing as yet). I am enough of a skeptic to seriously question if a couple weeks of a few supplements can be given credit for the transformation that is beginning to manifest in our world. Definitely, He is reaching out to make it clear that I am His and that He will exercise control over my life when and as He sees fit. That is not a big, overt, high-end shift -- really most of what has shifted on that front is pretty subtle, but the sense is that my center is solid again.

Too, He and I are beginning to explore the simple sexual parts of our relating. For a good part of this last couple of years, we've slowly let the sex play and foreplay parts of our time together just go away. I didn't know what would and would not work, and really couldn't tell Him how things functioned anymore. I was scared about how fragile the new me might be for any kind of rough play, and I've consistently cringed away from most of what we used to routinely do... Orgasms have gotten harder and harder to come by, and the incentive for Him to even mess with me just hasn't been there. Let's face it, I haven't exactly been the hottest sex partner on the planet. Losing the "sexy" parts of life has impacted the SM side of things too -- when nothing ever gets to feel good, it gets harder and harder to keep "going to the well" of masochistic pain and submission. That part of our life is shifting though. He's begun to reclaim the body that is His. He's began to explore and push past my fears and nervousnsess, insisting that I give Him honest feedback about what feels good for me. We are finally exploring together in territory that has been left pretty well "virgin" for the last couple of years. And, (surprise surprise) I am beginning to imagine the things that I want again, and they are surely NOT vanilla. We've rediscovered the pure joy of playing while we play and it is leaving us feeling amazed and connected in ways that we have not been for a long, long time...

We've had a couple of really good weekend sessions. We've had a couple of encounters where we both managed to achieve release sexually (although He frequently whines about the aftermath of this), and where we managed to take our SM play to a level that we've seldom managed without real anger and bitterness in the last months. In the spaces in between, we are finding ourselves smiling, laughing, talking, touching, and simply enjoying one another more.

To me, it is all feeling like some sort of odd and fragile magic. I am uncertain where the magic is coming from, and so I am not sure whether I trust it. I do know, however, that right now, it feels good to be living in this magical place.

swan