Unexplainable Neighbor Lady

This year's Thanksgiving Story generated some wonderful comments. I especially appreciated m:e's phrasing: "family of the heart" really does ring true for my life. I have very little linkage to the family that "bore" me, and really, only the ones that I bore into the world still have connection to me within the family that I set out to create as an "adult." So, this family that I have chosen, and that chooses me, really is the family that is real and present in my life. And, I still (at the age of 52) miss those ones that I grew up with. It is silly, but it is the simple truth.



But it is this question from maripose that I want to try to answer here:

I wonder if you might mind writing about how you do get into that calm space
to be the "unexplainable neighbor lady." I am in a very new poly triad and was
invited to the festivities at my couple's home. I came as a friend, but between
wondering if choosing against my current family was a mistake (I'm quite close
to them, but decided not to spend this holiday with them) and agonizing over not
being able to show the affection I felt for both people.... it was painful at
times. I thought I was joining my sort of new family for a holiday, and yet was
there as a friend only. How do you do it?

I think there are a lot of "levels" to this. There are a lot of hows and whys to the doing of this, and so it isn't all ONE thing.

Part of the answer to the question is that I'm not "new" at this, and so there are patterns and habits that can be called upon to help navigate this particular situation. We spend a very great deal of our lives "hiding in plain sight" -- pretending, for reasons of our own, to be friends or colleagues or neighbors, but not lovers and life partners. It does get easier to do with long and repeated practice. We have developed the tricks that help us negotiate various situations where we need to not touch one another with intimacy and familiarity. We know how to interact in public at a level that belies our deep, daily personal closeness. It is a skill -- one which we've practiced and gotten good at. It isn't a thing we particularly enjoy, but we've learned to do it with less stress than we used to experience.

At another level, doing the "unexplainable neighbor lady" routine requires me to visibly relinquish the "place" which I normally occupy within the family in order not to upset the order that allows us to go on living our lives in relative peace. We understand, between us, that while there might not be any actual costs in some circumstances for me to be identified as what I am, there are intangible costs that aren't worth the ruckus it would create. Me showing up overtly as "the other wife" would just upset Grandpa, and wouldn't really gain anything tangible. I could get all bent out of shape over that on philosophical grounds -- after all, He proudly shows off the other things that belong to Him, so why not me, but really what's the point? It doesn't gain me anything and it would just cause pain. That seems like a simple decision. So part of the process is about making logical decisions about cost and benefit like a grown up.

Then, of course, there is some part of this that is really grounded in feeling sure and secure. I'm here. I've been here for a good long while now. I'm not going anywhere. Neither is anyone else. We're pretty settled. That makes it easier, I think, to just kind of go with the flow. The other benefit that comes out of that is that, while I'm "unexplainable," I've been around long enough that I'm sort of a fixture. I may not be easy to explain, but I'm sort of becoming expected. Even by the kids and the ex-wife and the Grandparents. So. Less of an issue all the time. No clearcut label to be applied. Still no explanation for my presence, but less discomfort, too.

I also think, I've gotten better about knowing that it is coming, and preparing myself for what it takes to do it. I know where the emotional landmines are for me -- the baggage that is part of my history, and the stuff that is attached to my place in our lifestyle. I notice my annual grief about the loss (sixteen years ago) of my brother, Gregg. I take note of the place where I can still get wound up over how crazy my mother makes me -- even though I don't have contact with her. I try to get in touch with my grown kids because I really do miss them as the holidays approach. Just like we lay in supplies, and clean the place up, and plan menus, and iron the giant linen table cloth, and do all the other preparatory work, I tend to find some time ahead of the actual event to curl into His arms and His presence and just get the reassurance that I need that (whatever the world sees and thinks) I am as "real" as can be to Him. I know and understand that it is a silly bit of nonsense, but hearing it and having it affirmed helps me get it setttled in my own head -- and then I can just go on with it.

And then -- I launch full speed ahead into the business of making it happen. T cooks and I cook and we work our butts off to pull it all off. There isn't time to get wrapped up in your own self-absorbed bullshit when you are focused on pulling off the family gathering. When everyone gathers around the table, all I can think about is whether it is all there -- the rolls, the dressing, the cranberry sauce, the champagne, the butter turkey, the green bean casserole, the sweet potatoes... Is it all there and is it all ok? Focus, focus, focus! and then it is over and they are all gone home, and we take a deep breath, and I wonder if it was all alright.

That's how I do it.

swan