Self-Determination

Greenwoman, in responding to Master's post on Control and Consent, brought up the idea of "self-determination." She wrote:

I think that its something that many submissive struggle with. Myself included. Some of it has to do with socialization and the women's lib telling us that we aren't good women if we don't self determine.

I think it is common to look in at this lifestyle from the outside, and conclude that those of us who submit to the will of another have somehow failed to catch on to the importance/potential for self-determination. I've had people assume that I am interested in abdicating personal responsibility, or playing a game, or perhaps being abused, or maybe just not smart enough to understand that this is all sick and wrong and likely to lead me straight to hell. Clearly, in the view of some, I do not "get it" about what women are supposed to be doing in today's society.

Generally, I find most of that pretty amusing. It is really very funny how people jump to their comfortable and accustomed assumptions when they don't really understand something that they encounter. For many, BDSM falls into that realm.

I absolutely believe that I am in this lifestyle, and in this relationship, precisely because I am acting in ways that are self-determined. I do cede control to Master in my daily life and within our dynamic, but that is a direct outcome from my very conscious, deliberate, and freely made set of decisions and choices leading to this point. I made every single step on the path, knowing exactly what I was doing and where I was heading. I understood the benefits and advantages that would accrue as I made the choices, and I also understood what would be required of me in the process. I gave my consent, understanding that it would not be something that would be revisited.

But I don't think I contemplated that I was BEING self-detemined in all of that. In fact, I'm certain that I'd not heard that phrase at the time, and would not have used it. I'd have said that I was gaining in self-awareness and self-confidence, and that I was then acting on the things I was learning to conform my life to my inherent needs, drives, and dreams. So, wondering if there was some "definition" or description of what "self-determination" really amounts to, I went looking for some official material or research on the subject. One of the resources I found elucidated a very academic Self-determination Theory. I especially liked the lead quote at the website. It seems to me that this is, in essence, exactly what is required to enter into a consensual power exchange relationship:

Reflect. Act. Earn the freedon to live your life in ways that are interesting, important and vitalizing.

swan

The Consent/Control Paradox

Recently it seems that we have been awash in friends and Internet contacts who are wrestling with struggles about consent vs. control within BDSM, or DD, or adult consensual spanking relationships ( or M/s, D/s, or..............et al.)

They wrestle with how much control they should exert (or have exerted) in all aspects of life and particularly in areas of corporal discipline styles and D/s (DD) lifestyle philosophies in that they must be "consensual."

A key concept in the power exchange dynamic (the dynamic that is central to all sorts of D/s relatedness with whatever sort of label is placed upon its underlying philosophy) is that if you consent to give over control and retain the option of withdrawing that consent, then you are the one in control of your relationship. If you do this it is in fact the Top (HOH) who is submissive in the relationship and you have not ceded control at all.

Often these conundrums emanate from an etiology like this. One relationship partner (often the woman, but not always) expresses a deep seated need for some sort of discipline dynamic in their life and asks her partner to undertake to discipline or Dominate her. They begin to practice adult consensual erotic and/or disciplinary spanking or other related D/s practices. As they evolve into their new lifestyle enhancement either the Dominant or HOH or Leader in the relationship does this in a fashion that is not the way the bottom partner feels he or she needs to fulfill the needs that have lead her to this new relationship dynamic. There are a plethora of "typical" complaints: He's not consistent enough; He's not strict enough; He's not severe enough; He's too severe; He's enjoying it too much and I don't want our pure asexual disciplinary practice to become "erotic" (oh horrors:); He doesn't take it seriously enough; He's "gone mad" and thinks he can "run my life" beyond our agreed to "list of rules"; He's not really Dominant (unless I tell him to be); He's far too Dominant; etc.

Inherent to these discussions is the bottom partners' precipitating the power exchange by requesting and consenting to submitting to the authority of the Top partner to "take charge" or "lead" or be "head of household", etc., it is incumbent upon them to SUBMIT. If, for example, your new HOH decides to take the relationship into realms that might be described as BDSM and you define your orientation as DD, then it is your role to follow. If He decides to not discipline you for an infraction then he has not failed you. He has, in fact, used his judgement to exercise the authority that you granted him. If He requires you to go out and cut 18 switches, bind them into birch rods, and then gives you the licking of your life, that is his judgement reliant on your original consent and request (and I bet you don't repeat the precipitating behavior again anytime soon.)

If you are to withdraw consent then you withdraw consent for the Top to be Top at all. Consenting to a disciplinary or D/s relationship and then piece mealy selecting which particular types of control or disciplinary practices you will then consent to, is inherently self-defeating and is usually very damaging to relationships.

It has been our experience (all three of us) that it is rare for previously vanilla relationships to successfully evolve into mutually satisfactory and enhancing D/s relationships. I think it is the failure to successfully negotiate this paradoxical dynamic that leads to these failures.

Here I am in control. I exercise that control as I choose and judge to be appropriate for us all. There is no withdrawing consent (not more than once) nor is there any sort of disrespectful back talk or push back. (Well there could be but typically that is not an option that is chosen more than once after experiencing the consequences of that mistake.) I am not over bearing. Actually many would I think be quite surprised how empowering and laissez faire I am in my control style. Whether we are talking about my M/s with swan, my D/s with t, or simply a much more limited and casual Top/bottom disciplinary spanking relationship with a friend, once I am granted control I lead and the bottom follows. If consent is withdrawn then the relationship ends (at least as far as any sort of D/s, DD, etc. dynamic.)

There is a concept in management that is notoriously noted for leading to organizational dysfunction and failure. It is delegating responsibility to achieve outcomes without simultaneously granting the requisite authority to achieve them. Worse yet is to grant that authority and then randomly withdraw it and then restore it as occurs in micro-management. Those who ask a Top partner to achieve the benefits of Dominance or Discipline for them both and then withdrawal that authority eclectically are unfortunately making this mistake and they and their relationship can be harmed greatly in the process.

If you are a Top partner in a D/s or DD dynamic and you encounter this problem, tell your partner to stop, you are in control and it is her (or his) role to follow. If he or she is not willing to follow you then end the D/s or DD dynamic. You were never given control in the first place and you are living out a fallacy within which it is impossible for you to succeed. If you are a bottom partner respect the authority of your Top and do not withdraw it unless you decide that you do not have a partner with whom you can be fulfilled in your need for submission, discipline, etc. Then, of course, you will need to determine what you will do about fulfilling your need to submit or be disciplined.

I hope explanation of relationship dynamics that are evident to us from our lifestyle experience can be helpful to some others. As always, the only "right" way for you to live your life is exactly as you and your partner choose, and no one has a right to judge your life based upon their opinion of your life's "correctness."


All the best:)

Tom

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

Using Titles

Melissa sent me an email to ask this question:

i commented on your blog about your "yes sir" post... it got me to thinking about titles. the titles many of us use in D/s. you know, master, sir, daddy, boss, etc. etc. i wondered if you have anything to say on the subject of titles. what they mean....their mportantance in this context...in respect to both doms and subs. those kinds of questions. i realize that this of course is subjective. but i would be very interested in hearing your take on it. i think what i'm really asking about is RESPECT. it's role in these relationships and the necessity of expressing it, by our actions of course, but also in our speech.

I don't get that much email, and I seldom get questions. I don't know that I've ever really thought about it before this. I'm no expert or authority. I write mostly about my life and my feelings. There are plenty of people in the lifestyle who have way more experience and background than I do... Consider all of that to be my disclaimer. What you will read here will be my ideas and views and beliefs -- take it for exactly what it is worth.

There is a great deal of weight given to the use of "honorifics" in the lifestyle. Whatever labels people attach to their status, for many, it matters at some level. In "our" community's history (in the days of the Old Guard), titles were laden with very precise and specific significance -- and they were EARNED. That is still true in some places and in some contexts. So there is a somewhat formal and accepted set of protocols, in some quarters, for the use of scene / lifestyle honorifics.

I believe that the use of titles falls into the much wider category of behavior that is defined by basic courtesy and politeness. I say, "please," and "thank you." I hold doors for total strangers, and I let people in front of me on the highway. Even in my classroom, I tend to address students and "Miss," and "Mister," or "Sir," and "Ma'am." It is simply a very deeply ingrained part of my upbringing, and I have never found that being kind and courteous has ever made any interaction less cordial. That is just a general approach to life for me -- and was before I ever got "into" this lifestyle.

In our household, we do not put much weight on titles. We are not very rigid in our use of titles when we are with each other. Here, at home, things tend to shift depending on the situation, like this:

• I tend, when writing here -- because it is PUBLIC, to refer to Himself as "Master." It is, for me, about being respectful, and the use of the title in this fora gives me the ability to talk about Him without plastering His given name all over the place.



• When He and I are "in scene" or "in session," there are specific expectations for how I speak with Him. In that setting, I generally use "Sir." I know that He expects that I will respond to questions with that "Yes, Sir," and that is what I do; hence the internal chant that goes, "I love You, Sir."



• Around the house, when we are eating or watching TV, or talking about "stuff," I usually call Him by some affectionate appelation -- "Honey," or "Lovey," or the like. Those are easy and affectionate handles that facilitate our connecting and communicating.



• I very seldom call Him by His NAME. Exceptions are the rare situation when I really need to get His attention, and there is some reason why I can't get to Him directly. If I am away from where I can flag Him down, and really need to have Him notice that I am calling/speaking to Him, I will occasionally use the name His parents gave Him.

He refers to me, most often as "honey," or "sweetie." Often, He uses my name. Simple. He tends to be more formal about what He calls me in writing. So, if He writes about us, He may refer to me as "my slave, swan." I am seldom called "swan" in our direct interactions.

As for how I treat others with regard to "titles," my general take on things is that I'll call you whatever it is you want to be called. I just don't care that much. I have run into people who have hung themselves with all sorts of wild and fanciful "titles." I've known Lords and Ladies. I know people who designate themselves as "Prince" and "Princess." I've met Daddy's of BOTH genders. There are people all over the place who declare that they are either Master or Mistress so-and-so. I've even known a Mystress. OK then. No problem. Calling "Master James" Jim just seems rude and obnoxious. Nevermind that, on a personal level, I might think "Master James" is a total dork -- it just doesn't matter. It hurts me not at all to use the title he has selected, and doing so reflects well on my Master. That does matter to me -- a very great deal.

So. There. That is probably not serious enough for the "gurus" of the lifestyle. I am sure that there are those who would see my relaxed view of all of this as indicative of laxity in my training and discipline. I've been party to intense and heated conversations about the ins and outs of it all. I just can't get wound up about it. I could be directed to attend to it in some different fashion, and I surely would do that. In the end, it is important for me to be appropriate, respectful, and pleasant. It is important for me to behave in the ways that please my Master and bring honor to Him. That is all that really matters to me. The rest is for others to fuss about.

swan

He Came and Got Me

I've said it before, more than once, that one of the very most difficult things about the whip is the distance that is necessary for its use. There is no way for Him to whip me and touch me simultaneously. I go through whippings apart from Him. And that is a terribly frightening prospect for me, because He is my absolute source of strength and energy in session. I can do almost anything if I have Him to anchor to. Alone -- I'm not nearly as strong.



I was sick with the flu for most of last week. Beginning last Tuesday, I battled with viral symptoms including fever, aches, weakness, and intestinal upset. It was not been pretty -- or much fun for any of us. Then, Saturday in the middle of the day, it was as if someone had flipped a switch and I was well! I was hungry and energetic and good again. I was ready to play and make love. He, of course, was tired. So we napped.



We napped and looked at TV and napped some more -- until late. Very late. Past midnight, when our hapless Reds finally won a game, and the mood here was celebratory. Knowing that we had to get going on Sunday morning for a brunch date with Grandpa, I'd set the alarm for 8:15 and explained to my Dear Sir that there was no way we were sleeping in "too" late. Laughing, we toddled off to bed, ready to play a bit before sleeping, and so I got a late night spanking and caning, and we drifted off wrapped in each others' arms.



Sunday morning, we were awake before the alarm, and ready to play in earnest. Over the pillow I went, and He went to "work," with a couple different straps and then a lengthy, rapid-fire paddling that built to a crescendo, and left me gasping. Still, I was doing OK... working with it, and breathing, and staying in the warm and positive regions -- avoiding the dark edges where I slip over into hate and rage.



Then, He went for the whip -- the new whip. I saw Him move toward it and began to "chant" to myself in my head: "I love You, Sir... I love You, Sir ... I love You, Sir..." That little mantra tends to do several things for me: it keeps me focused on Him and my connection to Him, it helps me remember to breathe rather than holding my breath, it puts a sound in my head that keeps the roaring rages at bay. There is a "heartbeat" feel to that "I love You, Sir" repeated over and over that just works for me most of the time.



I felt the strokes begin to fall, and I kept chanting, and chanting, and chanting. I was so intent on doing what He wanted me to do -- determined to not disappoint.



And then...



I was plastered into the corner of the bedroom, clutching my "fluffy" blanket, shrieking -- and He had me wrapped in His arms, holding me and speaking calm, soothing words into my face. I had no idea how I got where I was; had no recollection of ever moving from my accustomed spot. All I know is that, whatever happened; however I got there, He came and got me. From across the room, from the other side of the bed, from the other end of that whip -- He came and got me. He held me and rocked me and murmered soft sounds until I was breathing more reasonably. He assured me that I was fine and wonderful and fabulous -- told me He was proud of me. We eventually came together and made soft, sweet love.



In the end, we were completely in touch, completely at peace, and I knew the one thing that I will remember always -- He came and got me.



swan

Are You Happy?

I asked that question just yesterday.

Someone I've resumed a conversation with, after a gap of several years, seems continually beleaguered by responsibilities, committments, resentments, and a pent up torrent of unmet needs. It feels to me as if there is almost nothing that happens in this person's life that brings the sort of simple, unburdened joy that might point to being happy.

It caused me to think.

I've been unhappy. I've battled anger and frustration, and I've sunken into depression in the last couple of years. I know what it feels like to come awake in the morning, look at the coming day, and find no particular reason to rejoice -- over and over and over. I'm better now; good even, but I was there. I remember.

I remember, that through all those very dark days, He told me that I could choose to be happy. At the time, I felt as if He had no clue what I was dealing with, but I know now that He was precisely right. That is the problem with depression; what you believe to be true is so distorted that you can't see through all the muck you are swimming in to understand that all the world is not muck. If anything is going to change about how the world looks to you, then you have to get your head out of the muck and look at a less clouded view.

Easy to say. Hard to do.

I finally realized that I would have to change me if I was going to change the way I experienced the world. If where I was didn't "work" then what made sense was to find some way to change that. My fear, in the beginning, was that I would (again) have to leave my whole life behind and strike out on my own -- all alone. There were so-called professionals that pretty much endorsed that line of thinking. They told me in sometimes very direct ways, that the life I was living was the entire cause of my unhappiness, and that if I didn't "get out," I'd never ever be happy. I was perhaps just stubborn, but I refused to believe that. I decided that there was no one "out there" who would "fix" my problems. If I was going to save myself and save my "life," I had to take my courage in my hands and make the choices that would bring me to the place where I could live, once again, in joy.

I had support. I had people who loved me. I had the backing of His indomitable will. AND, I still needed to choose. For myself. To be happy. It hasn't come all at once, or smoothly. I don't think that I am completely "there" yet. On balance, though, I am able today to say that I am happy.

It is a choice. Daily. It takes action and focus. It is so very worth it -- to come to the quiet places in the daily rush, and notice how very good and lovely things are.

swan

Submitting Can Be...

Greenwoman left an interesting and evocative comment on my "Yes, Sir" post. She wrote:

*I have a hard time being told to stop whining and having unreasonable expectations when I'm feeling hurt. *That's when I feel the most rebellious and have the most difficulty with getting to "Yes Sir."...*Submission is the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. *I am not that great at it. *I fear it alot sometimes when I feel particularly vulnerable and he's really fed up about something and feeling angry and impatient.

Let's see. I'd respond:
*Me too.
*I know.
*No kidding.
*Neither am I.
*So Do I.

There. That wasn't so hard.

I absolutely believe that anyone who is doing this kind of relating with any level of seriousness, and with honest intent, runs into all those kinds of reactions and responses. It is just that there are an awful lot of people who never tell the truth about it. They set us all up for feeling inadequate because, "if we were as good as those other submissives," life would be sunshiney all the time. It is a load of crap, but hard not to get taken in by.

The honest truth is that there isn't a one of us that likes to be told to suck it up and get over it when we are feeling hurt or sad or afraid or misunderstood. That label of "submissive" or "slave" doesn't change a thing -- we are still human, with human feelings and reactions. So, of course, I want someone to empathize and sympathize with my feelings. I am lucky, and probably indulged, because Master does give my feelings a good deal of credence and lee-way much of the time. Still, I can act the "drama-queen" to the point where He WILL end the hystrionics and make it clear that it is done. That is never easy, but it is the way of things. If I don't recognize the lines, He is more than capable of reminding me. As it should be.

The honest truth is that, while sometimes submitting to His will for my life is simple and joyous and fulfilling, sometimes it is blazingly difficult. I have a strong will of my own, and I can, if allowed to do so, exert control over most things. Not Him. It frustrates the heck out of me sometimes. So, that "Yes, Sir" doesn't always come easily. No one ever promised it would. The point is, it does come.

The honest truth is that the path of submission is not always smooth or simple or easy. It can be all of those things, but it can also be very challenging -- like almost any other life-way that one follows with great passion. Challenges are not necessarily a negative.

The honest truth is that I don't know that I am all that "great" at submitting. I whine and fuss and obssess over things I never should. I grab for control anytime He puts it within my reach. I struggle and resist and carry on. And in all of that, He loves me and guides me and holds me up -- and I learn. I am not "great." I am getting better, I think.

The truth is that, if you are sane and thoughtful and not a total blooming idiot, the notion of taking your life and putting it in the hands of another IS scary. Fear is utterly reasonable. Trust is a decision -- an investment in a vision of what could be. It is not without risks, and reasonable people understand that there is a place to be fearful in the face of real risk. I want to never, ever be ashamed of my fear. I want to always be proud of my courage in the face of it.

swan

Service Top

I very much like the word "bestiary," to illustrate the notion that there are all sorts of interesting and amazing "creatures" in the realm of BDSM. I understand that technically, the word comes from Medieval Latin, and really refers to a, usually illustrated, book which is a collection of descriptions of mythical and allegorical beasts. So, in a true medieval bestiary, one might find pictures and descriptions of griffins, dragons, basilisks, and centaurs, along with a host of others. Even my "swan" shows up in many bestiaries.
In the BDSM world, we find tops and bottoms and switches and submissives and dominants and masters and slaves and little girls and daddys and bois and sissies and babies and mommies and fetishists and masochists and sadists and goths and gorians and... There is an almost endless, and often fascinating list of permutations, within the lifestyle, of ways that people manifest their desires and drives. All good.



One of the variants that sometimes shows up in my thinking/writing, and that I am often somewhat perjorative about, is the "service top." I tend to reflect the "sound" that Master makes when He uses the phrase, and it is seldom complimentary. However, as I contemplate it, a service top is not necessarily a "bad" thing; anymore than a switch is "bad," or a sadist is "bad." Wickipedia says:


In a BDSM context a service top is a dominant who is dominant because the bottom desires or even requests it. A service top does not need to be dominant in general. The bottom, in many cases sets the rules.



Fair enough. I don't have a problem with that sort of arrangement, as long as everybody knows that is the game, and everybody is cool with it. I've played the "service top" role myself upon occasion; so has T. There have been times when Himself has been interested in bottoming, and has requested/required that I take on the role of "top." It is not my natural mode, and I don't pretend to have anything approaching His level of skill in that role. When that has come to be our "play style," my entire goal becomes to please Him as I top. That is, surely, the essence of service topping.

I have actually enjoyed the occasions when we've related that way. It has been, for us, a very intimate and playful context that allows us to touch and share in ways that do not come to the fore in our more "usual" Master/slave power exchange. However, and I believe that this is extremely important, I have never ever believed for any fraction of an instant that I was ACTUALLY "in charge" of anything in that scenario. I have always understood that, while I might set the tone and the pace, and make the choices as to what "we" are doing and experiencing, it is all ultimately in His control -- and that if I should, at any point, cross the threshhold of His comfort and enjoyment, it would all end most abruptly. There is real skill to being a good service top.

I think that the "negative" connotation that I sometimes sense when the descriptor is applied comes from the recognition that there are many relationships that are nominally grounded in some kind of consensual power exchange, where the roles are stood on their heads and no one will acknowledge the fact. When that occurs; when the "bottom" partner is calling all the shots, defining all the boundaries, making all the rules; AND then putting the burden of blame and responsibility on the "top" because, after all, he or she is in charge, that feels wrong to me.

Let me be clear. I was once guilty of this exact behavior. The former husband was never a dominant in our relationship, AND I desperately wanted and needed him to act that role. I knew about his feelings and his views and his aversion to the whole business. I also understood his flaws and failings and insecurities and utter lack of dominant qualities -- BUT I had to have that in my life, and so I pushed, cajoled, and sold it until he acquiesced. It was a dismal failure for us both. It was terribly unfair to him. I simply used him to try and get what I needed. Wrong. Bad. Completely non-consensual in the worst possible sense.

He has since escaped, and moved on to something that I hope is much gentler and better for him. I have grown, evolved, learned -- and found the Dominant who can and will match me, and nurture the truth of my submission. We are all better for the changes.

Perhaps it is that history that causes me to bristle when I read about dynamics where one partner claims to submit, and then refuses to do so, while blaming the other for all that is amiss in the relationship. It is a path that leads only to frustration and disaster for everyone concerned. It is cowardly and dishonest. It means that there is most likely an attempt being made to turn the relationship into something that is is not, and probably cannot become.

Determining what lies inside of us, learning ourselves well enough to understand what we are and what we need is an important first step. As adults, as people of character, we ought then to have the courage to define our path to the life that can be meaningful for us. That should never, ever entail forcing someone else to live as "other" than their most authentic self. Too often, pushy, selfish bottoms, in relationship with "service tops," do just that.

There can be honor in the role of "service top;" and pleasure and joy and great intimacy. If that is truly the reality of one's inclinations, either in the moment or in general, then I believe that a good service top is a wonderful partner for some. Not for all. If the desire and need is for a true dominant partner, forcing another person to play at that role when they are not inclined is simply unfair, exploitive, and possibly abusive. I know. I've done it.

swan

Yes, Sir

There is a "mean, nasty, snarky" rant buried in here. I'm sick. I do not care. If you do not want to read it, you know what to do.

I've been contemplating the nature of what it is that I at least TRY to do with my power exchange relationship. For me, more and more, it feels like the biggest "trick" to this whole thing is learning, and then remembering, that my one, simple task in this life is to answer, whenever I can, and whenever it is appropriate, with "Yes, Sir." Whether that answer is spoken and verbal, or simply enacted in my physical response, it is the complete and total manifestation of my committment as His slave


Sometimes that is a BIG deal. There are times when bowing to His will, and responding with that "Yes, Sir," is terribly challenging and very, very scary. There are other times when I notice that it is simply the normal, and natural response for me with Him.


I noticed it the other night in the simplest of things. I had just begun with a viral illness that has turned out to be some sort of flu-like nastiness. On Monday, I began with an intense and miserable headache. I just assumed it was a migraine (because for me all headaches are migraines), and took my migraine medicine. Nothing happened. So at the first opportunity, I took the second dose (I almost never do that). Still nothing. And that is it. Can't take more than two in 24 hours. By the time I got home that afternoon, I was miserable -- just wanting to lie down. I slept and slept and slept, but didn't get better.


I fixed us dinner, and we all ate.


Eventually, I decided to take my temperature, although I wasn't feeling particularly feverish. It was 102 degrees Fahrenheit. Yikes. No wonder my head hurt! I took some Tylenol, and hoped to feel better as the fever came down.


In time, it came to be bedtime, and I began to wobble my way through my usual nightime routines: lock the doors, load fresh sodas in the refrigerator, set up the C-Pap, straighten the bed, etc. He looked at me, and said, "Go to bed. I'll do this." There were a thousand "yeah, buts..." in my head in that instant, but I simply turned on my heel and headed to bed. The physical manifestation of "Yes, Sir."

I'm no saint. I'm very far from perfect in my slavery. I am pretty good at getting to "Yes, Sir."

It is, for me, the very essence of this life. Apart from fancy words, and elaborate theories, and questions about "why?" There is no valid reason to claim that you have given your power to another if you don't manage that simple response on a pretty regular basis. Holding the power to decide IF you'll obey is, in fact, a matter of holding all the power. It makes the whole business a sham.

Here's a classic example . As I read this little diatribe, I just kept thinking that there is no power exchange in this relationship -- unless, of course, one considers that the nominal "dominant" is entirely in service to the so-called bottom partner. I understand that "Domestic Discipline" is a different branch of the family tree, but the reality is that IF you ask someone to exercise control, or agree to having that happen, then this kind of yanking the power back is dishonest and unethical. Struggle. Fuss. Obssess if necessary. Come up with all sorts of theoretical grounds for what it is that you think you want. I do. But, in the end, it is imperative that the control pass from one to the other. If the only thing that you are willing to do is have it your way, when you want it, as you want it... then you are exploiting your partner. It is selfish and arrogant.

Submission is not easy. It requires heart and courage. Courage is not about not being afraid. It is about recognizing the fear and proceeding anyway. Sadomasochism is not entirely safe. Anyone who claims otherwise is a fool. Fear is reasonable. Dishonesty is not.

There. Mean. Oh well.

swan

Birthday

Today is our Sir's birthday.

He is a Man who counts -- everything. Days until birthdays, months since His last birthday, quarters in His present employment situation, paddle strokes, whip strokes... So this anniversary will surely be noted with amazement and joy by us all.

We've actually already done some celebrating with dinner out together last weekend, and the giving of gifts. He has a couple of new knives to hold and fondle and scratch Himself with. Oh joy! Oh rapture!

Hopefully, this evening, we'll gather and have a nice meal and recognize the gift He is in our lives and the wonder that is this family He has created for all of us...

In the aftermath of a long and difficult spell, it feels really good to be able to simply come awake this day and say, with a full heart, "Happy Birthday, Sir!"

swan

New Whip

He ordered a new whip on Wednesday. It was delivered yesterday. In terms of craftsmanship, it is a lovely piece; a 12-plait bullwhip that I'd guess is somewhere around six feet long. It is way scarier looking than the signal whip that has been my "whip nemesis" until now -- longer, heavier, longer...

It is a whip. It scares me to death. From the moment it came out of the packaging, it loomed in my imagination -- larger and larger, until by the time I woke up this morning, I could hardly breathe for the anxiety building inside me over that whip.

I experience whip "play" as terribly frightening. It is, for me, awesomely isolating; leaving me to feel as if I am completely separated by the necessary distance between He and I. The pain that the whip inflicts is searing, cutting, unpredictable. It lacks rhythm and balance. It gets into my head and drives me very quickly to the edge of the place where I can "hold on" and react reasonably. I know that the whip dissolves my strength and resolve very quickly.

He, on the other hand, awakened today with an inclination to play gently and sexually, in a mood to try and find some way to give me pleasure. He was not particularly intent upon using the new whip just yet -- was feeling as if He needs time to practice with it. I was so wound up, that there was no way to get me calmed down enough to "enjoy" anything. Ultimately, He decided that until we got over the first encounter with the new whip, I was going to continue to obssess over the thing to my detriment.

So.

Sweating, hyperventilating, shivering, I went face down over the pillow, clutching my "fluffy" blanket, prepared for the absolute worst.

He used it very gently, letting the thong fall mostly by its own weight, for fewer than a dozen strokes. Ended as quickly as it began. Nothing at all intense. Way easier than a session with the signal whip. Some minor striping that very quickly faded.

Leaving me curious. Curious about what playing with this whip will end up being like -- maybe less intense than the signal whip? Really? Could it be?

And just like that, I flipped from terror to curiosity.

swan

G-Spot Questions

Greenwoman, sir's pet, and morningstar all offered questions, comments, advice, and especially, support in their Comments to my "Vibrator" post. The kindness evident in their words really struck my heart.


Morningstar's question, with regard to the whole "G-spot as orgasmic promised land" issue seemed particularly astute to me. She asked, "i was wondering IF the g-spot was a fun place before? an exciting place?? an "oh my god!" space before?"


To be honest, I can't answer that question. I don't know, really. Before -- my body was a Disneyland of fun places. I was, in retrospect, remarkably sexually responsive. I never really thought about it because there were "good" spots everywhere, and I was "easy." Easy to arouse, easy to bring to orgasm, easy with my own sexuality -- thrilled by it, in fact.


I had vaginal orgasms and clitoral orgasms and orgasms from fisting that would leave me in a trance so deep that I'd feel as if I'd blacked out entirely. It wasn't uncommon for me to have good sex lead to ejaculation (mine as well as His). All of that, continued, with only minor interruptions, even as the intractable bleeding and hemorrhaging, that eventually brought me to the point of hysterectomy, washed over us.


That sexual heat and ease was a huge gift that I never completely understood or valued appropriately. I simply assumed it was the way of things and went merrily on my way.


As I approached the hysterectomy, it was the single largest cause for my concern and wariness. I asked and asked and asked again if the surgery would significantly impact my sexuality -- and received assurances that it would not. Over and over and over. I know now that I was misled and lied to. It is in the past and I have mostly accommodated the fury that I felt at that betrayal, but it is a simple fact.


In the aftermath, after a less than smooth recovery, I found myself in a body that was nothing like what I'd had before the surgery. As the magnitude of the change became evident, I was swept into a torrent of emotions that took me even further from the place where I might have been able to begin to learn my way, sexually, with the new "stuff." It really is only now, with the healing done and the anger largely subsided, that I've begun the work of learning the "new" territory. What makes that so complex is that I just don't have a lot of experience with this. What was so easy before is now tenuous and complicated and elusive. It takes great patience, great calm, and a real sense of trust for me to follow the winding path through to what does work. I can get knocked into a tizzy with very little provocation, and that is not a circumstance that makes "getting there" more likely to happen.



I know it isn't all bad, or as terrible as I once thought it was. I know now that "different" isn't the same as "ruined." I've learned to look forward rather than back, and to take what is now and enjoy the possibilities of that. It is just such a huge, uncharted realm, that my explorations and discoveries are coming along slowly. The good news, from my perspective, is that they ARE coming. I believe I may end up knowing THIS old, scarred body better than I did the other. Perhaps we will yet become friends.



swan

Trollop

We have (through a pretty convoluted set of relationships) got a passel of youngsters in the extended family (all in their teens or very early twenties) who seem intent on reproducing at a prodigious rate. There are four very young children who lay claim to this bunch as their "parents." Master tends to refer, sardonically, to the herd of offspring as "the little bastards." The birthing has been such a preoccupation that none of them have, seemingly, found the time to contemplate the possibility of marriage.



Last night, at dinner, we were talking about the newest infant to arrive on the scene, and Himself was trying to recall the name of the child's mother... Finally, He just gave up and resorted to "trollop." Old fashioned sort of word. One hardly ever hears it used these days. T and I both suggested that she wasn't a "trollop," and supplied the young woman's name. He simply responded she wasn't married and must therefore be "a trollop."



OK. That would be me. Too. Ouch.



Here's the pertinent definition --

trollop - a woman adulterer adulteress, fornicatress, hussy, loose woman, strumpet, slut, jade
adulterer, fornicator - someone who commits adultery or fornication



Now, there are "circumstances." Not a possibility for me to have this relationship, be here in this life, AND be married. He's clear with me that I am NOT a trollop -- that it is not the same thing at all. We all understand the legal constraints that keep us in the places where we are. We all know what would be different between us, if there were a legal opportunity to change that set of circumstances. But there it is -- the social bias that defines us by our marital status. The truth is, we can deny it, ignore it, refuse to be pigeon-holed in this fashion, but the bias remains as part of the very fabric of our culture.



swan

Just a Little Before Dawn

3:49 AM.

For us, that is normally a time when we are soundly sleeping, wrapped up in each others arms.

Last night, though, He was awake. His wakefulness woke me up, so we were both awake. Sometimes, that scenario would end with my rubbing His back until He fell back to sleep. This time, we laid there and talked -- about His dream (of His mother), about work, about life. It got clearer and clearer that we were neither of us going to drop back into sleep.

I could tell that He was becoming sexually aroused. I was feeling that "want" that can only be answered by His hands on me. I needed and wanted a spanking. Finally, after we'd been awake for a bit, I asked Him if He was willing to spank me -- if He wasn't going to go back to sleep.

LOL. Of course, He was more than willing.

So, in the wee hours of the morning, two hours before the alarm would go off, we spanked and made love, and happily drifted back to sleep.

Sometimes the unexpected gift of a few unhurried moments is granted when it is most deeply needed. This morning was like that.

swan

Vibrator

I just bought a new vibrator. My old, trusty Wahl finally gave up the ghost.

Not having a working vibe is just NOT a good thing in my world. IF I am going to have an orgasm with any sort of reliability, that is going to happen because my "vibrator friend" and I have been spending quality time with one another. It's not that I don't EVER reach climax during real live, garden-variety, person to person sex -- it is just not something that happens very often, or with any kind of consistency.

So, I looked and hunted and considered the options -- and ordered another Wahl. Not very original, I know, but I ended up feeling like it made sense to go with what I know will work. There are plenty of fancy vibrator alternatives. Some of them are pretty amazing looking. But, I shy away from the ones that use batteries, and there are many, many of those. The practical and financial reality is that I sometimes take a VERY, VERY long time to "get there." I'd go through batteries by the case full.

When you want something that plugs into the wall, the range of choices gets very much narrower very quickly.

The other thing is that I am not fond of vibrators that operate like a jack-hammer -- or an industrial grade floor polishing machine. I'm a girl. The girl parts I still have are delicate and sensitive. I don't need something that runs like a Harley.

I did, however, get a bit "wild," and ordered a G-spot attacment. With the issues I deal with, I figured that maybe being able to vibrate right at the source of all joy and happiness might be a really good thing. It is an obnoxious blue thingy that is, frankly, funny looking. It's not hard to use, and it does seem to get to the appropriate place.

There's just one problem. It hurts. Not terribly, but it does get to places that feel tender, raw, scarred and just sore. I've yet to use the thing successfully, because it becomes so irritationg, that I've had to turn it off before I achieve anything like the promised amazing orgasms.

I find that all pretty disturbing. It just seems that by now, there shouldn't be anyplace that remains sore after a surgery that happened over two years ago. For now, I'm believing that if I use it on some sort of regular basis, perhaps all that soreness and tenderness will diminish. Maybe, with time and effort, just maybe -- I can get back to the place where I remember in those post surgical days.

So... probably more information than you all needed.

swan

Not Much to Give

OK. I'm really sorry. I've been remiss about posting on much of a regular basis. It goes for days and days and days, and I don't get here to write anything much. I understand that, for the ones of you who read us regularly, those long pauses can be nerve-wracking.





As Master has assured you all, we really are fine -- just strung out and tired and way too busy.





Still, that doesn't "feed" any of you as my friend, Tangerine, so cogently phrased it. I know from experience that, once a person gets "attached" to a writer in this blogging format, it is difficult to let it go...



So, in the interest of feeding the "audience," here's a smattering of "stuff" from our real lives:



It is springtime. I don't know how other teachers feel about this time of the year, but increasingly, I come to spring with a jumble of emotions. There is relief that the end is in sight. There is spiraling anxiety as I look at the "mountain" of work still undone. There is the beginning of fussing about turning lose this group of kids; allowing them to go on to the next year -- just as I've finally connected and come to love them so dearly. There is (by the very nature of the place where I teach) the craziness that falls into all my planning as the pace of "special" activities and events in each week accelerates.







For those of you who reside here in the US, it will not be news that April 15 was TAX DAY. I hate, loathe, and dispise TAX DAY. From the moment our tax documents begin to arrive in January each year, I start to agonize over the whole process. Our family tax situation isn't terribly complex, but it is inevitably miserable in the end. We never, ever seem to come through the process without ending up paying more than we've had withheld. Coming up with that extra cash is a source of significant anxiety for this "Checkbook Nazi." I'm the one who does the preparation, and I'm the one who scrambles to figure out where all the dollars will come from. I delay it as long as I possibly can. It is hideous. This year, just to complicate the situation, our printer DIED just as the crunch was coming for the preparation and filing of the annual tax returns. That technology glitch made it way more complicated, in the end, to get the necessary paperwork done and get everything filed. The end result was a late night dash to the downtown, "main" post office to beat the filing deadline. Thankfully, Master was there to drive me so that I didn't have to wander around the late night streets trying to find the post office. Mission accomplished.





The vacuumn cleaner died. We have to go buy a new one so we can clean the carpets. So many choices. So expensive. T and I are studying the "vaccumn cleaner" landscape, and trying to figure out which is the best bet. Just one more thing to try and manage. And honestly, vaccumn cleaner shopping is just not that sexy.

I had a really long day yesterday. Another today. Tomorrow, I'll take 42 eleven and twelve year olds (can you say, "hormones?") to our local zoo for a "Math Day" field trip. I've worked and planned and obsessed about every single detail of this trip for a couple of weeks. The kids and I have made measuring tapes and gathered data and measured our strides and arm-spans -- all in preparation for a day aimed at having them USE their math skills in real-world applications. The weather is supposed to be glorious. They are all excited. I am (always) anxious about taking all these "littles" who've been entrusted to my care out into the big wide world. I'll be easier when we all get back, safe and sound, at the end of the day.

I swear that I still suffer from periodic bouts of PMS. How can that possibly be? There are times when I am attacked by wildnesses that I cannot predict or control or explain. Last Sunday, from out of nowhere, I was nailed by a huge wave of sadness, grief and anger that was largely driven by my sense of sexual "nothingness." That sort of thing catches me off guard and leaves me feeling terribly unsettled. Early in my post-hysterectomy fury, I lived and breathed the air of frustration and rage over my loss. That has mostly subsided and I've felt "quieter" with it all. Most of the time, I go along and don't dwell on it. And then it comes roaring back and smacks me up along side the head. So not fair! I found this quote by Henry Emerson Fosdick that speaks to the emotional bitterness I experience; and its impacts on my life:

Bitterness imprisons life; love releases it. Bitterness paralyzes life; love empowers it. Bitterness sours life; love sweetens it. Bitterness sickens life; love heals it. Bitterness blinds life; love anoints its eyes.

And then it is all gone and I'm back on level ground again. It can't be PMS. I have no way to be generating hormonal storms. Still, it is as close as I can come to the way this seems to work for me. Sigh.

He and I are playing more, in spurts and lurches. We still tend to confine that sort of thing to the weekends. It is just the way it goes for our lives during the school year. That weekday 5:45 get-up tends to take the sparkle off the amorous stuff. More and more, He is (at least conversationally) moving to intensify the level of our SM. His fantasies are running to the "I don't care if you like it or not" side of things. There are fresh switches, and there is that new whip on its way. That creates huge ambivalence and fear for me. I don't know what to do with the stew of fear and excitement and anger that I drop into as He describes scenes that I know will take me way past the level where I'll be able to "be good." I don't want to fail the test. I know I will. I want to find my way through the battle. I wish I could trust that He would help me along the way, but I know I'll be on my own in the midst of it all. What a muddle.

We continue to work to support His almost 90-year-old father in these early days of his adjustment to the loss of his wife. Sunday night, Grandpa fell and cut his head. The staff at the assisted living center determined that it was best to have him transported to the emergency room. So, just after dinner, Master was off to meet his father at the hospital. Luckily, the wound, while requiring three staples to close it, was superficial and did not result in more serious injury. This time, they were done and home by 11PM. It isn't always quite that simple. Sigh.

I'm juggling. I'm dancing. I'm getting through the days. We all are. Don't worry, friends, we are keeping on. It is just a little challenging just now.





swan

COOKIES!!!!!

Ahhhhh yes..... Cookies.

Tom is a "Cookie-Monster" and would devour any and all cookies in his path, if left to his own devices. I found an OLD recipe for Gingersnaps that I modified for the diabetic diet and they are this week's "Cookie of Choice". Tom calls them "candy". In lieu of a meaningful post from me.... I humbly offer a morsel.

GINGERSNAPS
1 cup Splenda
3/4 cup DiabetiSweet Brown Sugar (best price on Amazon.com)
2/3 cup unsalted butter, softened
1/3 cup molasses
2 tablespoons Canola Oil
1 egg (or 1/4 cup egg substitute)
3 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
3 tablespoons ground ginger
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
2 teaspoons cinnamon

Mix Splenda, DiabetiSweet, butter, molasses and oil together in a medium bowl. Mix until creamy. Scrape sides of bowl and add egg, mix well. Sift dry ingredients together, add to sugar/butter mixture and mix until well blended.

Divide dough in half and roll into logs. Wrap in plastic wrap and freeze for 30 minutes, or until firm enough to slice.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Spray cooking spray on cookie sheets. Slice cookies approx. 1/4 inch thick and place on prepared sheets. Bake 10-12 minutes, or until bottoms are lightly browned. (I said "Browned", Tom....not blistered!)

(Nutrition Info: (Serving is 2 cookies) 110 calories; 40 calories from fat; 4g Fat (2g Sat Fat); 10mg Cholesterol; 75mg Sodium; 10g Carbohydrate; 0 Fiber; 3g Sugar; 1g Protein.

Tip: These taste better if they are allowed to "age" a bit in an air-tight container....say, a few days. They get crisper and the flavors intensify.

ENJOY!!

T

Everything's Kewl:)

Our last comment from Tangerine on our previous post expressed concern that we hadn't posted since swan wrote about our family melt down (well, swan's and mine anyway) in the immediate aftermath of our stressful weekend entertaining our family for my mother's memorial service and interment. First of all I need to let you know we are all well and happy, albeit dealing with a huge load right now of work and financial stress. My goodness, swan had a day yesterday that began at 7:00 AM, when she arrived at school, and ended with her return home at 10:30PM...sheesh what a week! Too we are struggling to support my father in his adjustment to life without his wife of 65 years as he approaches his 90th birthday. We are a bit over extended in terms of time, energy, and resources.........but just fine.

We will no doubt have some posts soon getting into some more "exciting" aspects of our existance, and of course too swan's erutdite sharing of her internal monologue in response to her/our life. Hopefully t too will share some of her all too rare but always wonderful insights and experiences.

I know we have been absent for a week and a half and we will no doubt catch up with you all here soon.

I did manage while swan was completing our taxes last Saturday to identify a lovely 12 plait, black snake, four foot long, signal whip on Ebay that I am avidly anticipating the arrival of, and I am sure, no doubt, swan is as well:) That should provide grist for a post. We'll let you know how that goes.

For Tangerine and anyone else who has worried, we are OK, and thank you for your caring and concern. We are all fine, if not a bit frazzled.

All the best:)

Tom

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

Troubles

We've survived a very rough time. Again.

Much of what "got" us this time around was simply emotional overload, and exhaustion on both of our parts. Grief and stress and anxiety and pure fatigue are not the ingredients that make for happy power exchange balance. In fact, I'd say those ingredients would disrupt the balance of almost any relationship.




Still, I am the one who is largely responsible for the horribleness that was Sunday night. I'd been in a "bad" place all day long: tired and cranky, and so feeling insecure.

The onslaught of family and family events put me in a place in my mind where I was entirely too aware of what I've shed to come to this point. Usually, I go on through my days and never really count the cost, but there have been costs, and through the last few weeks, those have loomed large on my mental horizon:

• As we've remembered and honored His relationship with His mother, I've been dwelling on the "what happens when" question regarding my own aging mother. Logically, I understand that I "buried" my mother awhile back (from an emotional perspective), but the question won't lie down in my mind. I've gone around and around in my overactive imagination, picturing the day, somewhere in the future, where I will need to make the final decision about my "non-relationship" with the woman who gave me birth. That feels complicated. I still wish it were otherwise between she and I -- although I know it never will be. I believe that there will be a day when my own children may need my support as they mourn the loss of their grandparent. I can't imagine that there will be no repercussions for my decisions to separate from her, and from the family as a whole, from my siblings and those others who are attached to her. I find that I have the impulse to reach back to her, although that reaction is driven by a whole lot of "reasons" that are not appropriate (when I think them through). I am left torn and confused by the whole business.
• On another front, a couple of weeks ago, I had a phone call from my former husband. He was calling to give me the news that he and his wife have moved, and so have a new address and phone number. I do not miss him. I do not long for a re-uniting with him. I am far better off without him. I love the love that we all share. Still, somehow, having him be somewhere new, with someone new, tipped me into a tailspin about being "not married." It is not an "intellectual" response, and not one that makes any sense to me in any sort of rational frame, but I spent about 28 years "married." It is a condition that carries certain social status, and I grew very accustomed to the role over the years. Stripped of that "definition," I find that I don't have any sort of social place that exactly fits. Most of the time, I go along with that ambiguity, and am not particularly upset by it all, and then something comes up and it can all spin out of the range where I can mentally "manage" it anymore.
• The back injury that I suffered over our vacation, is healed mostly, but it still is tight and not as strong as it was. I feel like I have to be careful; have to pay attention. It leaves me unable to really relax and play without THAT fear. That impinges on our connection. As our SM play falls away, we tend to drift apart in very real and serious ways.
• I am just about 2-1/2 years past the hysterectomy now, and feeling strong again. I have made some peace with the changes I've undergone. I am finding my own sexual self again. Most of the time, that is good, but I sometimes find that I wish there were more in our sexual life that addressed what might work for me in terms of sexual responsiveness and release. I can get to feeling that sex between us is an uneven bargain. Oh my -- not "uneven!" Resentment is a nasty potion. Aware of what I am not getting, I am unreasonably afraid of what else might go away in the event of any sort of relational shift.
• I've been "accosted" by an online "guy" who found my profile and struck up an IM conversation. I am generally open to talking with people. My initial assumption is that people are well-meaning and genuine, and I try to respond with that in view. However, this character has shown himself to be a HNG (Horny Net Geek) who is really only interested in an easy lay. The effort and energy to establish and then defend boundaries was another drain, and left me feeling sad and defeated in the end.

Add fear to resentment, and you have the makings for a slave in a funk.

That was me, at the end of the weekend. AND He was still freshly immersed in this second chapter of the grieving for His mother. He had nothing to spare, emotionally.

Sunday night, with the school week barrelling down on me, I simply wanted to get my work done, and with preparations in hand, to get some sleep before facing forty-two 12-year-olds at 8:00 AM. The alarm clock sounds, around here, at 5:45 AM. He, on the other hand, was "into" staying up, listening to music, having some drinks. At one point, He told me that we'd go to bed at 11:30. As 11:30 came and went, it was clear that He was not nearly ready to call it a night. Exhaustion and frustration took hold of me and I began to fuss. I took myself to the kitchen and began unloading the dishwasher and generally setting up for the next morning. I reasoned that, if I had much of the morning setup done ahead of time, it would be easier to deal with the next morning when I would likely be foggy and feeling like crap. He took exception to my doing all of that; wanted me to sit down and spend time. I did bring myself to His side, but I was not happy about it, and it showed.

One thing led to another, and things escalated. It was a very long and difficult and angry night. He was clear that my skills in dealing with a partner who was grieving lacked in a number of categories. By the time we'd wrangled our way through it all, we were both even more exhausted, and it was after 1:30 AM.

I understand, in retrospect, that I've gotten too focused on "me," and have lost track of the fact that He should be my focus. I have asked Him to let me begin again, and to try and do better -- "sorry" only takes a person so far. He has granted that request -- I am so lucky to have His love. We are "alright," although we are far too worn out and tired to make the moves that would make our reconnecting seem solid. For this week, we are, all of us, slogging along and trying to survive. Perhaps the weekend will give us the chance to catch up. I hope that happens.

However things proceed, I am mindful that THIS slave needs to remember what the dynamic implies, and requires: less of me and more of Him.

swan

In Memory

I've been trying to find words to describe the events of the last couple of weeks in our family. That has seemed like a real uphill struggle for me. There has been so much happening for all of us, and the emotional tide has been running high. We've been busy and completely wrapped up in the preparations for this weekend... planning for the memorial and burial for Master's mother, Rebecca.



On Saturday, April 4, that memorial was held, almost two months after her death on February 11. It would have been her 88th birthday.



There were some 50 people in attendance, including many of the residents of the assisted living center where they last lived together, and where Master's father, Walter, resided until March 1. Other guests included family members from New York and Pennsylvania, Master's children and their mother, staff members from Master's agency, Board members (likewise from His agency), an officer of the bank where both Master and his father do business, even one of the caregivers from the facility where Rebecca lived until her death, was there.



It was, truly, a warm and affirming service. Master spoke eloquently, and at length -- telling the amazing story of His parents' sixty-five year journey together. Others of us spoke of our memories of the amazing little lady who came from an orphan childhood to form such strong and diverse family ties.



Afterwards, we gathered at the community building of the condominium complex where all of us live, to share a meal and to spend time with those who had traveled to be with us. T and I had put together a meal: ham and turkey, green bean casserole, au gratin potatoes, fruit salad, some desserts... There were beverages (of course), and a bit of Irish music on the boom box. It was a good way to relax a bit and celebrate the amazing linkages of this most "unlikely" family.

























Yesterday, a much smaller group of us gathered at graveside as Master carried the box of His mother's ashes and placed them in their final resting place. It was an extremely emotional final event in this journey. With all the prayers and blessings said, we left the sunny and windswept hillside cemetary -- heading back to Grandpa's place for an afternoon of fellowship and one more dinner together. More time to bask in the warmth of strong, loving family ties.



I am simply awestruck at the wonder of this family forged from the steadfast love of two orphan children over sixty-five years of marriage. It is an absolute tribute to the strength and resiliency of these remarkable people.



Today, we are worn out. We are drained. We are simply trying to breathe and remember our way back to some kind of steadiness in the face of the on-rushing week.



Thank you, each of you, who have supported and carried us in your thoughts these last weeks and months. We are surely not done grieving, but we are beginning the journey toward life without her -- remembering the gifts she shared with each of us.



swan

Presidential Politics

This came into my email box sometime in the last 24 hours. Yes, I DO get emails from MoveOn.org. I haven't made any secret of my political views, so this should not surprise anyone. I am a life-long Democrat and a proud liberal. I'd personally like to see Barak Obama serve as our next president, but I am absolutely going to be voting for whichever Democratic candidate wins the party nomination. Whichever of them ultimately becomes the Democratic Party Nominee, I sincerely believe we cannot afford another Republican administration, and I especially believe that a John McCain presidency would be catastrophic. Here's a very good answer to the question of "why?" --

For all the coverage this week of Senator John McCain's background, there are some important things you won't learn about him from the TV networks. His carefully crafted positive image relies on people not knowing this stuff—and you might be surprised by some of it.

Please check out the list below, and then forward it to your friends, family, and coworkers. We can't rely on the media to tell folks about the real John McCain—but if we all pass this along, we can reach as many people as CNN Headline News does on a good night.

Click here to tell us how many people you can pass it on to—and to see our progress nationally:
http://pol.moveon.org/mccain10/?id=12407-5847811-zXjjqb&t=231

10 things you should know about John McCain (but probably don't):

1. John McCain voted against establishing a national holiday in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Now he says his position has "evolved," yet he's continued to oppose key civil rights laws.1

2. According to Bloomberg News, McCain is more hawkish than Bush on Iraq, Russia and China. Conservative columnist Pat Buchanan says McCain "will make Cheney look like Gandhi."2

3. His reputation is built on his opposition to torture, but McCain voted against a bill to ban waterboarding, and then applauded President Bush for vetoing that ban.3

4. McCain opposes a woman's right to choose. He said, "I do not support Roe versus Wade. It should be overturned."4

5. The Children's Defense Fund rated McCain as the worst senator in Congress for children. He voted against the children's health care bill last year, then defended Bush's veto of the bill.5

6. He's one of the richest people in a Senate filled with millionaires. The Associated Press reports he and his wife own at least eight homes! Yet McCain says the solution to the housing crisis is for people facing foreclosure to get a "second job" and skip their vacations.6

7. Many of McCain's fellow Republican senators say he's too reckless to be commander in chief. One Republican senator said: "The thought of his being president sends a cold chill down my spine. He's erratic. He's hotheaded. He loses his temper and he worries me."7

8. McCain talks a lot about taking on special interests, but his campaign manager and top advisers are actually lobbyists. The government watchdog group Public Citizen says McCain has 59 lobbyists raising money for his campaign, more than any of the other presidential candidates.8

9. McCain has sought closer ties to the extreme religious right in recent years. The pastor McCain calls his "spiritual guide," Rod Parsley, believes America's founding mission is to destroy Islam, which he calls a "false religion." McCain sought the political support of right-wing preacher John Hagee, who believes Hurricane Katrina was God's punishment for gay rights and called the Catholic Church "the Antichrist" and a "false cult."9

10. He positions himself as pro-environment, but he scored a 0—yes, zero—from the League of Conservation Voters last year.10

John McCain is not who the Washington press corps make him out to be. Please help get the word out—forward this email to your personal network. And if you want us to keep you posted on MoveOn's work to get the truth out about John McCain, sign up here:
http://pol.moveon.org/mccaintruth/?id=12407-5847811-zXjjqb&t=232

Thank you for all you do.
–Eli, Justin, Noah, Laura, and the MoveOn.org Political Action Team Saturday, April 5th, 2008

Sources: 1. "The Complicated History of John McCain and MLK Day," ABC News, April 3, 2008 http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalpunch/2008/04/the-complicated.html
"McCain Facts," ColorOfChange.org, April 4, 2008 http://colorofchange.org/mccain_facts/

2. "McCain More Hawkish Than Bush on Russia, China, Iraq," Bloomberg News, March 12, 2008 http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601103&sid=aF28rSCtk0ZM&refer=us
"Buchanan: John McCain 'Will Make Cheney Look Like Gandhi,'" ThinkProgress, February 6, 2008 http://thinkprogress.org/2008/02/06/buchanan-gandhi-mccain/

3. "McCain Sides With Bush On Torture Again, Supports Veto Of Anti-Waterboarding Bill," ThinkProgress, February 20, 2008 http://thinkprogress.org/2008/02/20/mccain-torture-veto/

4. "McCain says Roe v. Wade should be overturned," MSNBC, February 18, 2007 http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17222147/

5. "2007 Children's Defense Fund Action Council® Nonpartisan Congressional Scorecard," February 2008 http://www.childrensdefense.org/site/PageServer?pagename=act_learn_scorecard2007
"McCain: Bush right to veto kids health insurance expansion," CNN, October 3, 2007 http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/10/03/mccain.interview/

6. "Beer Executive Could Be Next First Lady," Associated Press, April 3, 2008 http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5h-S1sWHm0tchtdMP5LcLywg5ZtMgD8VQ86M80
"McCain Says Bank Bailout Should End `Systemic Risk,'" Bloomberg News, March 25, 2008 http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601087&sid=aHMiDVYaXZFM&refer=home

7. "Will McCain's Temper Be a Liability?," Associated Press, February 16, 2008 http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/wireStory?id=4301022
"Famed McCain temper is tamed," Boston Globe, January 27, 2008 http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2008/01/27/famed_mccain_temper_is_tamed/
8. "Black Claims McCain's Campaign Is Above Lobbyist Influence: 'I Don't Know What The Criticism Is,'" ThinkProgress, April 2, 2008 http://thinkprogress.org/2008/04/02/mccain-black-lobbyist/
"McCain's Lobbyist Friends Rally 'Round Their Man," ABC News, January 29, 2008 http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/story?id=4210251

9. "McCain's Spiritual Guide: Destroy Islam," Mother Jones Magazine, March 12, 2008 http://www.motherjones.com/washington_dispatch/2008/03/john-mccain-rod-parsley-spiritual-guide.html
"Will McCain Specifically 'Repudiate' Hagee's Anti-Gay Comments?," ThinkProgress, March 12, 2008 http://thinkprogress.org/2008/03/12/mccain-hagee-anti-gay/
"McCain 'Very Honored' By Support Of Pastor Preaching 'End-Time Confrontation With Iran,'" ThinkProgress, February 28, 2008 http://thinkprogress.org/2008/02/28/hagee-mccain-endorsement/

10. "John McCain Gets a Zero Rating for His Environmental Record," Sierra Club, February 28, 2008 http://www.alternet.org/blogs/environment/77913/

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