i commented on your blog about your "yes sir" post... it got me to thinking about titles. the titles many of us use in D/s. you know, master, sir, daddy, boss, etc. etc. i wondered if you have anything to say on the subject of titles. what they mean....their mportantance in this context...in respect to both doms and subs. those kinds of questions. i realize that this of course is subjective. but i would be very interested in hearing your take on it. i think what i'm really asking about is RESPECT. it's role in these relationships and the necessity of expressing it, by our actions of course, but also in our speech.
I don't get that much email, and I seldom get questions. I don't know that I've ever really thought about it before this. I'm no expert or authority. I write mostly about my life and my feelings. There are plenty of people in the lifestyle who have way more experience and background than I do... Consider all of that to be my disclaimer. What you will read here will be my ideas and views and beliefs -- take it for exactly what it is worth.
There is a great deal of weight given to the use of "honorifics" in the lifestyle. Whatever labels people attach to their status, for many, it matters at some level. In "our" community's history (in the days of the Old Guard), titles were laden with very precise and specific significance -- and they were EARNED. That is still true in some places and in some contexts. So there is a somewhat formal and accepted set of protocols, in some quarters, for the use of scene / lifestyle honorifics.
I believe that the use of titles falls into the much wider category of behavior that is defined by basic courtesy and politeness. I say, "please," and "thank you." I hold doors for total strangers, and I let people in front of me on the highway. Even in my classroom, I tend to address students and "Miss," and "Mister," or "Sir," and "Ma'am." It is simply a very deeply ingrained part of my upbringing, and I have never found that being kind and courteous has ever made any interaction less cordial. That is just a general approach to life for me -- and was before I ever got "into" this lifestyle.
In our household, we do not put much weight on titles. We are not very rigid in our use of titles when we are with each other. Here, at home, things tend to shift depending on the situation, like this:
- I tend, when writing here -- because it is PUBLIC, to refer to Himself as "Master." It is, for me, about being respectful, and the use of the title in this fora gives me the ability to talk about Him without plastering His given name all over the place.
- When He and I are "in scene" or "in session," there are specific expectations for how I speak with Him. In that setting, I generally use "Sir." I know that He expects that I will respond to questions with that "Yes, Sir," and that is what I do; hence the internal chant that goes, "I love You, Sir."
- Around the house, when we are eating or watching TV, or talking about "stuff," I usually call Him by some affectionate appelation -- "Honey," or "Lovey," or the like. Those are easy and affectionate handles that facilitate our connecting and communicating.
- I very seldom call Him by His NAME. Exceptions are the rare situation when I really need to get His attention, and there is some reason why I can't get to Him directly. If I am away from where I can flag Him down, and really need to have Him notice that I am calling/speaking to Him, I will occasionally use the name His parents gave Him.
He refers to me, most often as "honey," or "sweetie." Often, He uses my name. Simple. He tends to be more formal about what He calls me in writing. So, if He writes about us, He may refer to me as "my slave, swan." I am seldom called "swan" in our direct interactions.
As for how I treat others with regard to "titles," my general take on things is that I'll call you whatever it is you want to be called. I just don't care that much. I have run into people who have hung themselves with all sorts of wild and fanciful "titles." I've known Lords and Ladies. I know people who designate themselves as "Prince" and "Princess." I've met Daddy's of BOTH genders. There are people all over the place who declare that they are either Master or Mistress so-and-so. I've even known a Mystress. OK then. No problem. Calling "Master James" Jim just seems rude and obnoxious. Nevermind that, on a personal level, I might think "Master James" is a total dork -- it just doesn't matter. It hurts me not at all to use the title he has selected, and doing so reflects well on my Master. That does matter to me -- a very great deal.
So. There. That is probably not serious enough for the "gurus" of the lifestyle. I am sure that there are those who would see my relaxed view of all of this as indicative of laxity in my training and discipline. I've been party to intense and heated conversations about the ins and outs of it all. I just can't get wound up about it. I could be directed to attend to it in some different fashion, and I surely would do that. In the end, it is important for me to be appropriate, respectful, and pleasant. It is important for me to behave in the ways that please my Master and bring honor to Him. That is all that really matters to me. The rest is for others to fuss about.
swan
swan, that was so interesting! I use "Sir" often, at home, because I like to, not because I have to.
ReplyDeleteThe interesting thing that came to mind after reading you post was that we rarely call each other by name, unless one of us is referring to the other in conversation with a third person. I think there are 'name' people, the kind who say your name twice in every sentence, and 'no-name' people, who seem not to be able to say your name ever.
Ron and I are no-namers. He'll say "Hey" or "Hello" to get my attention, but can't seem to say my name. I'll use his name once in a while to get his attention if I have to, because calling him "Hey" is rude to my way of thinking.
And along those lines, there are two or three ways of pronouncing my real first name. Ron pronounces it the way I like least. It's way too late now to object, and I don't hear it very often anyway, but each time I do hear it, I wince because he got it wrong again!
Hugs,
Hermione
I fall pretty much in line with Swan. Around the household I often call her "Tue", replacing her "S" with a "T" but pronouncing it like "2". I call Tom "BeeBee", a silliness for "Baby" and he calls me "Sweetie-Heart". Mostly I call him "Tom" or "Sir", as requested. Tom & swan often call me, simply, "T".
ReplyDeleteIn vanilla-public, I use our given first names.
In BDSM settings, I use the more formal "Sir" for Tom, "swan" for swan and I am referred to as "sly" or "Mistress Trixie" (depending on which way I am switching at the moment). Tom ALWAYS calls me "sly" in BDSM settings, unless he is joking and uses "Mistress Trixie" when I am being more assertive to others than our family. Remember I am ALWAYS the family's personal Dungeon Monitor in public play situations, so I can get pretty assertive, if necessary.
For people outside our family, I, as swan, use the name they prefer. There are a few dominants (notice I use the lower cased "d"?) that I do not extend the title of "Master", even though that is what they would prefer. I do NOT have a "Master" as I am not a "slave" and feel that it is not my place to call another "Master". If I were to call someone "Master", it would be Tom, as I am his collared submissive.
I think that when you get into some of less familiar forms of BDSM, the titles are more rigid. I tried Gorean early on in my exploration of BDSM and found it rubbed me against the grain. "This girl..." annoyed me, as I feel submissives should be more valued than being addressed in the third-person. But it works for some, and whatever floats their boat is fine, just don't drag me along with you.
T
In our relationship, my slave always calls me Mystress. I think he has used my given name perhaps twice in some nine months. He'll avoid it at all costs. Because everyone in our circle except our grown kids knows who he is in our triad, he never has to not call me Mystress. I think part of it is due to his very proper British upbringing, and that he himself is an emphatically proper individual on top of all that.
ReplyDeleteI mostly call him pet.. sometimes Paladin.. often by his given name.. and sometimes.. Stallion. (grin) and if I want to embarrass him just a wee bit.. I'll have him tell whomever why I call him Stallion. It's a statement that he is required to give when I have him explain it. Always makes him duck his head and blush..which is very cute. (wider grin)
I enjoy reading your blog, you always have interesting subject matter.
Best to all,
Mystress
Thanks Hermione and Mystress for your participation in this conversation. It is interesting to talk about the approaches that different people take to this, and how that "feels" for each one.
ReplyDeleteRegards, swan