Self-Determination

Greenwoman, in responding to Master's post on Control and Consent, brought up the idea of "self-determination." She wrote:

I think that its something that many submissive struggle with. Myself included. Some of it has to do with socialization and the women's lib telling us that we aren't good women if we don't self determine.

I think it is common to look in at this lifestyle from the outside, and conclude that those of us who submit to the will of another have somehow failed to catch on to the importance/potential for self-determination. I've had people assume that I am interested in abdicating personal responsibility, or playing a game, or perhaps being abused, or maybe just not smart enough to understand that this is all sick and wrong and likely to lead me straight to hell. Clearly, in the view of some, I do not "get it" about what women are supposed to be doing in today's society.

Generally, I find most of that pretty amusing. It is really very funny how people jump to their comfortable and accustomed assumptions when they don't really understand something that they encounter. For many, BDSM falls into that realm.

I absolutely believe that I am in this lifestyle, and in this relationship, precisely because I am acting in ways that are self-determined. I do cede control to Master in my daily life and within our dynamic, but that is a direct outcome from my very conscious, deliberate, and freely made set of decisions and choices leading to this point. I made every single step on the path, knowing exactly what I was doing and where I was heading. I understood the benefits and advantages that would accrue as I made the choices, and I also understood what would be required of me in the process. I gave my consent, understanding that it would not be something that would be revisited.

But I don't think I contemplated that I was BEING self-detemined in all of that. In fact, I'm certain that I'd not heard that phrase at the time, and would not have used it. I'd have said that I was gaining in self-awareness and self-confidence, and that I was then acting on the things I was learning to conform my life to my inherent needs, drives, and dreams. So, wondering if there was some "definition" or description of what "self-determination" really amounts to, I went looking for some official material or research on the subject. One of the resources I found elucidated a very academic Self-determination Theory. I especially liked the lead quote at the website. It seems to me that this is, in essence, exactly what is required to enter into a consensual power exchange relationship:

Reflect. Act. Earn the freedon to live your life in ways that are interesting, important and vitalizing.

swan