Troubles

We've survived a very rough time. Again.

Much of what "got" us this time around was simply emotional overload, and exhaustion on both of our parts. Grief and stress and anxiety and pure fatigue are not the ingredients that make for happy power exchange balance. In fact, I'd say those ingredients would disrupt the balance of almost any relationship.




Still, I am the one who is largely responsible for the horribleness that was Sunday night. I'd been in a "bad" place all day long: tired and cranky, and so feeling insecure.

The onslaught of family and family events put me in a place in my mind where I was entirely too aware of what I've shed to come to this point. Usually, I go on through my days and never really count the cost, but there have been costs, and through the last few weeks, those have loomed large on my mental horizon:

• As we've remembered and honored His relationship with His mother, I've been dwelling on the "what happens when" question regarding my own aging mother. Logically, I understand that I "buried" my mother awhile back (from an emotional perspective), but the question won't lie down in my mind. I've gone around and around in my overactive imagination, picturing the day, somewhere in the future, where I will need to make the final decision about my "non-relationship" with the woman who gave me birth. That feels complicated. I still wish it were otherwise between she and I -- although I know it never will be. I believe that there will be a day when my own children may need my support as they mourn the loss of their grandparent. I can't imagine that there will be no repercussions for my decisions to separate from her, and from the family as a whole, from my siblings and those others who are attached to her. I find that I have the impulse to reach back to her, although that reaction is driven by a whole lot of "reasons" that are not appropriate (when I think them through). I am left torn and confused by the whole business.
• On another front, a couple of weeks ago, I had a phone call from my former husband. He was calling to give me the news that he and his wife have moved, and so have a new address and phone number. I do not miss him. I do not long for a re-uniting with him. I am far better off without him. I love the love that we all share. Still, somehow, having him be somewhere new, with someone new, tipped me into a tailspin about being "not married." It is not an "intellectual" response, and not one that makes any sense to me in any sort of rational frame, but I spent about 28 years "married." It is a condition that carries certain social status, and I grew very accustomed to the role over the years. Stripped of that "definition," I find that I don't have any sort of social place that exactly fits. Most of the time, I go along with that ambiguity, and am not particularly upset by it all, and then something comes up and it can all spin out of the range where I can mentally "manage" it anymore.
• The back injury that I suffered over our vacation, is healed mostly, but it still is tight and not as strong as it was. I feel like I have to be careful; have to pay attention. It leaves me unable to really relax and play without THAT fear. That impinges on our connection. As our SM play falls away, we tend to drift apart in very real and serious ways.
• I am just about 2-1/2 years past the hysterectomy now, and feeling strong again. I have made some peace with the changes I've undergone. I am finding my own sexual self again. Most of the time, that is good, but I sometimes find that I wish there were more in our sexual life that addressed what might work for me in terms of sexual responsiveness and release. I can get to feeling that sex between us is an uneven bargain. Oh my -- not "uneven!" Resentment is a nasty potion. Aware of what I am not getting, I am unreasonably afraid of what else might go away in the event of any sort of relational shift.
• I've been "accosted" by an online "guy" who found my profile and struck up an IM conversation. I am generally open to talking with people. My initial assumption is that people are well-meaning and genuine, and I try to respond with that in view. However, this character has shown himself to be a HNG (Horny Net Geek) who is really only interested in an easy lay. The effort and energy to establish and then defend boundaries was another drain, and left me feeling sad and defeated in the end.

Add fear to resentment, and you have the makings for a slave in a funk.

That was me, at the end of the weekend. AND He was still freshly immersed in this second chapter of the grieving for His mother. He had nothing to spare, emotionally.

Sunday night, with the school week barrelling down on me, I simply wanted to get my work done, and with preparations in hand, to get some sleep before facing forty-two 12-year-olds at 8:00 AM. The alarm clock sounds, around here, at 5:45 AM. He, on the other hand, was "into" staying up, listening to music, having some drinks. At one point, He told me that we'd go to bed at 11:30. As 11:30 came and went, it was clear that He was not nearly ready to call it a night. Exhaustion and frustration took hold of me and I began to fuss. I took myself to the kitchen and began unloading the dishwasher and generally setting up for the next morning. I reasoned that, if I had much of the morning setup done ahead of time, it would be easier to deal with the next morning when I would likely be foggy and feeling like crap. He took exception to my doing all of that; wanted me to sit down and spend time. I did bring myself to His side, but I was not happy about it, and it showed.

One thing led to another, and things escalated. It was a very long and difficult and angry night. He was clear that my skills in dealing with a partner who was grieving lacked in a number of categories. By the time we'd wrangled our way through it all, we were both even more exhausted, and it was after 1:30 AM.

I understand, in retrospect, that I've gotten too focused on "me," and have lost track of the fact that He should be my focus. I have asked Him to let me begin again, and to try and do better -- "sorry" only takes a person so far. He has granted that request -- I am so lucky to have His love. We are "alright," although we are far too worn out and tired to make the moves that would make our reconnecting seem solid. For this week, we are, all of us, slogging along and trying to survive. Perhaps the weekend will give us the chance to catch up. I hope that happens.

However things proceed, I am mindful that THIS slave needs to remember what the dynamic implies, and requires: less of me and more of Him.

swan