Submitting Can Be...

Greenwoman left an interesting and evocative comment on my "Yes, Sir" post. She wrote:

*I have a hard time being told to stop whining and having unreasonable expectations when I'm feeling hurt. *That's when I feel the most rebellious and have the most difficulty with getting to "Yes Sir."...*Submission is the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. *I am not that great at it. *I fear it alot sometimes when I feel particularly vulnerable and he's really fed up about something and feeling angry and impatient.

Let's see. I'd respond:
*Me too.
*I know.
*No kidding.
*Neither am I.
*So Do I.

There. That wasn't so hard.

I absolutely believe that anyone who is doing this kind of relating with any level of seriousness, and with honest intent, runs into all those kinds of reactions and responses. It is just that there are an awful lot of people who never tell the truth about it. They set us all up for feeling inadequate because, "if we were as good as those other submissives," life would be sunshiney all the time. It is a load of crap, but hard not to get taken in by.

The honest truth is that there isn't a one of us that likes to be told to suck it up and get over it when we are feeling hurt or sad or afraid or misunderstood. That label of "submissive" or "slave" doesn't change a thing -- we are still human, with human feelings and reactions. So, of course, I want someone to empathize and sympathize with my feelings. I am lucky, and probably indulged, because Master does give my feelings a good deal of credence and lee-way much of the time. Still, I can act the "drama-queen" to the point where He WILL end the hystrionics and make it clear that it is done. That is never easy, but it is the way of things. If I don't recognize the lines, He is more than capable of reminding me. As it should be.

The honest truth is that, while sometimes submitting to His will for my life is simple and joyous and fulfilling, sometimes it is blazingly difficult. I have a strong will of my own, and I can, if allowed to do so, exert control over most things. Not Him. It frustrates the heck out of me sometimes. So, that "Yes, Sir" doesn't always come easily. No one ever promised it would. The point is, it does come.

The honest truth is that the path of submission is not always smooth or simple or easy. It can be all of those things, but it can also be very challenging -- like almost any other life-way that one follows with great passion. Challenges are not necessarily a negative.

The honest truth is that I don't know that I am all that "great" at submitting. I whine and fuss and obssess over things I never should. I grab for control anytime He puts it within my reach. I struggle and resist and carry on. And in all of that, He loves me and guides me and holds me up -- and I learn. I am not "great." I am getting better, I think.

The truth is that, if you are sane and thoughtful and not a total blooming idiot, the notion of taking your life and putting it in the hands of another IS scary. Fear is utterly reasonable. Trust is a decision -- an investment in a vision of what could be. It is not without risks, and reasonable people understand that there is a place to be fearful in the face of real risk. I want to never, ever be ashamed of my fear. I want to always be proud of my courage in the face of it.

swan