Friends

I've spent some time in the last few weeks on a relatively new social networking site for BDSM practitioners and other "kinky" people. The place is called Fetlife, and it is an exceptionally well-designed, multi-featured, networking space that is growing and improving, in terms of function, everyday.

Today, however, I have initiated the process of withdrawing from the site. The reasons for that decision are complicated. In simple terms, I have come to feel very overwhelmed, and somewhat out of place there. Partly, that is because of my own way of being in the world, the things I value in my relations with others, and the importance to me of deep, thoughtful conversation about the things that I care about. Partly, my urge to disentangle myself from the Fetlife milieu has to do with the energy, time, and focus that it takes. I don't find that participation there supports my continued growth and development as a slave, it does not enhance my understanding of my role or my place. The time and energy that I have to invest to keep up with people on the site detracts from what I really should be doing.





One of the biggest problems, for me, is the speed of every Fetlife conversation. On most of my days, I am unable to even access the place until I am home, and settled with the computer for the evening. The sheer volume of material that accumulates in the groups that I am connected to is almost always overwhelming, but if I manage to tumble onto some topic that I could engage in the conversation with, I find I hardly ever have time to make a considered and thoughtful comment. In most cases, before I can get there and think what I might say, people have already said everything they are interested in saying and have moved on. In the few instances where I've gone ahead and put up some comment, there has been no response at all. It is clear that the group gallops on and never looks back.





It really is probably just me. I am not a text messager. I don't live in a "Bluetooth" world. I am simply not interested in being that "in touch" with the rest of the world all the time. I want to converse. That implies something very specific to me. I "talk with" and "talk to" people all the time. Talking is the way we get the business of civil life done. So, throughout the day, I'll talk with the store clerk, the repair person, the customer support representative, the paper delivery kid, the receptionist at the doctor's office, and a host of others. I am also "talked at" by radio and TV and the like. My world can be full of all kinds of words. Most of them are not particularly evocative, and they generally don't create much of a response in me. Conversation, on the other hand, is cordial, and social, and connective. I like to meander along conversational pathways with interesting companions. For me, at least, that kind of shared thinking and verbal exploring happens best with spaces and quiet places in between the lines. Good conversation is a slow-moving dance where the participants need time to fully react and respond to whatever is posited by their partner or partners.




Then there is the business of collecting "friends." I understand (sort of) that the whole point is to create webs of people that one is linked to -- and that each of these linkages is a "friend." A cursory look around the place will turn up people who have dozens, and even hundreds of "friends." And, as in the days when I was a teenager, the number and quality of your "friends," as measured by some mysterious criterion which only those "in the know" understand, defines a person's social capital. The class system is alive and well in the social networking realm of cyberspace.





And that's OK. It just isn't how I understand things. In my view, a friend is someone I have known for awhile. I have a real affinity for my friends. I understand them, and they understand me. We can trust each other, and we genuinely care about what happens in each other's lives. My father was prone to emphasize to us as we grew up, that while we might have lots of acquaintances, we'd be lucky to find a few good friends. That seems to be still true for me. There are lots of people that I "know" in some fashion, but that hardly makes them friends. I might even genuinely like those people, find them interesting or admirable or entertaining, but that does not qualify them as genuine friends. Friends tell you the truth, listen to you whine, pick you up when you crash, and love you through whatever stupidity or calamity you encounter.



I've been writing in this weblog format for several years now. The intent of this place was to help reduce a sense of isolation, and it was meant to bring me into contact and community with others who could be part of a circle of support for my lifestyle choices and struggles and questions. Too, it was intended as a place for me to think out loud, about whatever was going on in my world, and therefore, in my mind. In the final analysis, the reason this Blog exists is because it serves to support my life and development as His slave. It serves that purpose well. The connections are ones that have formed over time. The conversations are largely driven by my own mental pondering Here, we don't move to the next topic until I'm ready to move. Here, I don't have to justify or qualify my existence. I don't have to provide any sort of credentials. What you see here is what you get. If you want to be part of the group that gathers to visit, then please join right in, but there's no requirement for anyone to participate if they choose otherwise. There's no great "social capital" to hanging out with me or with us. We are not inclined to the roles of diva, guru, expert, or even "cool kid on the playground."



I honestly don't know how many there are who would count themselves a "friend" of this place if we were counting that way. The blogroll shifts and evolves as people emerge into our vision. We don't feel like the list of sites that we link to is anything other than an easy way to reach the people that we read on some regular basis. If we happen to become interested in a site, they are likely to end up in the blogroll. We don't engage in "link-whoring," and we don't try to sell the place. It is what it is. The statistics tell us that people come and go. It seems likely that there is a pretty regular core of visitors -- most of whom remain anonymous and silent. Perhaps their conversational engagement happens where we cannot see it.



In the end, I think there is value to online social networking models like Fetlife. I think, if it works for you, that is a great thing. I won't be spending time there anymore. For me, it is like the choice between vacationing in Glacier National Park, and vacationing in Las Vegas. Both places have their fans, but I hope to live and die and never, ever set foot in Las Vegas.



swan