Spanking

I came to grips with the reality that I am a masochist years ago. I haven't always been particularly happy with that fact -- indeed, there have been times when I have railed at the "unfairness" of being saddled with such a challenging sexual/erotic orientation. I have, honestly, sometimes wished, quite simply, that life could just let me be a regular/normal sexual person.

Oh well.

I am a masochist and I need spanking. It isn't an entirely physical thing. For me, there is a huge emotional component to the engagement of a spanking.

In the last weeks, He has backed off of spanking almost entirely. The reason(s) for that are really not important to discuss -- a giant swirl of circumstances and pressures and interpreted responses. The outcome of it all was that He drew away, inside His own mind, to a place where, even when He did move to spank me, it was a perfunctory sort of encounter that clearly did not excite Him, and left me feeling as if I'd somehow forced Him into something that He found distasteful.

I've spent this time trying to simply accommodate. I am the kind of slave who, at least at the intellectual level, understands that it isn't about what I might want or need. I do know that this is supposed to run on His schedule and not mine. So, I've occupied myself with work and taking care of the things that always need taken care of -- and tried not to worry or fuss or think about it.

But, for me, spanking is all wrapped up with connection and feeling loved. He has been steadfast in assuring me that He loves me, and I believe Him. Except that I can't feel it. If He doesn't spank, He doesn't TOUCH me. Oh, He snuggles and He hugs, but there is something powerful in the flow of energy when He paddles and straps and canes me that bangs through all my defenses and makes me know Him entirely. Without that, I drift further and further away until I am left feeling lost and abandoned. As that sense of being "left alone" grows and grows in me, I become increasingly frightened and emotionally volatile.

Finally, in the last few days, I've begun to ask, tentatively and gently for some "play" time. Knowing that all the issues are still in place, knowing that my struggling with our kind of playing has been part of the reason that He has pulled away, still, I asked -- begged even, for the reassurance that comes with a tender and throbbing butt. He has indulged me in this -- yesterday and today, with two sessions which have left me quite sore. Somehow, He has reawakened and come back to the kind of play I remember from so long ago (where He pleases Himself and does not respond or react to what I might "like").

I can feel the softness flowing back into me -- that sense of being in the right place, safe and cared for. I am simply, feeling happy and at peace. So, there it is: spanking makes me happy. Probably, that isn't surprising or even particularly interesting news to most people, but to me, it is a piece of information that I've resisted coming to terms with. That resistance has made this all more difficult.

I can be such a piece of work.

swan