Alcoholism Recovery #1

We are at the end of the first week of intensive outpatient treatment for alcoholism, and when I say "we," that is a very intentional reflection of the most basic learning we've done this week:   

THIS IS A FAMILY DISEASE.  

If someone in the family is affected by the use of alcohol, then the whole family will show signs of the disease.  So it is that, while He has been attending His required and prescribed series of classes and AA meetings, T and I have also spent time in both "class" and group therapy sessions.  Tonight, we will attend a nearby open meeting of AA -- as a family.  We've ordered a whole shelf full of reading materials, spent time doing online research about the various aspects of alcoholism recovery, and begun to shift our thinking and perceptions to move us, each and all, toward recovery together.  It is all so very new, that we are feeling like we've been dropped suddenly into the middle of some foreign land without a map, with no useful language skills, and with no idea at all which way to proceed. 

I've come to my computer probably a dozen times in the last few days, my head full of swirling thoughts and feelings -- and been completely unable to get words to line up reasonably here on the screen.  So many things that I could say, and then there seems nothing at all for me to say.  I cannot remember when I've ever had so much trouble dragging my thoughts out into some sort of acceptable prose.  In some very significant ways, life seems so completely different than it was that I've questioned the very foundation of our lives together.  I find myself wondering how it can be that who we are together this week remains at all consistent or congruent with what we have been for so many years, with the story we've told here for well over 9 years. This post then, is my attempt to travel back through the archives here to find words from myself to myself -- I really need some wisdom for these days, and I have sometimes thought that I knew what I was talking about when it comes to knowing about "us." 

We do not, as one commenter guessed, engage in SM play anymore.  It has been months.  If there are people who look in from the outside and wonder about the state of our power exchange, and clearly there are some, they are no different than we are -- questions of power and control linger in every minute of the day.  Having admitted to being "powerless over alcohol," He is (I think understandably) uncertain where His power lies, or even IF He retains the capacity to exert power in any context.  There are just so many more questions than answers at this early stage.  None of us know what to expect or where we might come to rest in time.  The admonition to take "one day at a time," seems simultaneously wise and frustrating.

I know that He is feeling lost.  It is almost akin to amnesia.  He will often say that He does not know who He is.  I have watched Him moving through the motions of His day, and sometimes He seems so vulnerable and new that it is as if He were an infant still in those early first days of life when a loud noise or a sudden movement elicits that characteristic newborn startle reflex.  Having traveled so far into the darkness of the disease, He frequently feels guilty, remorseful, and ashamed of all that transpired to bring us, finally, to this point.  I honestly think that He is engaged in an ongoing self-assessment that is somewhat comparable to the sort of thing that submissives sometimes get into asking, "what is it that makes a GOOD dominant."  I am imagining that He is running through some sort of list of character traits that "make or break" a dominant, and then coming up with His own score card. In December of 2009, I wrote a post that I called

About Dominants in which I borrowed a list of dominant traits from  Associated Content:

• Honesty
• Trustworthiness
• Integrity
• Self-Control
• Sense of Humor (even at himself)
• Capacity to Love, Be Loved and to Express that Love
• Desire to Learn and Grow, both for himself and for his partner
• Dependability

And then I added this bit --

The one thing that I'd add to that list is SELF AWARE.

The ability to believe in and rely on a dominant; the ability to be certain of his love; the comfort of knowing that He can laugh at Himself, and the silly things that happen in real life and real love, the knowledge that He can take the lead as partners grow and change -- all of those things are essential and foundational to making power exchange work. 

There isn't anyway that I'd pretend that He was possessed of self-control or self-awareness or honesty or trustworthiness when He was most seriously in the grip of His addiction.  A very large part of the situational dissolution of our power dynamic was due to the fact that He was no longer capable of exercising any sort of responsible or dependable dominance.  No more.  Admitting His addiction and moving to address that (even if that came as an outcome of terrible circumstances) has completely shifted things.  He is once again awake and aware and actively becoming the reliable, strong partner that I want, and that He wants to be.  Surely, I have seen the embodiment of that desire to learn and grow both for Himself and for T and I.  

Maybe my thinking about this reflects what I said about it a while back when I wrote a post called

Goodness.  There, I worked to contrast what we submissive types sometimes refer to as "good dominants" and "bad dominants."  Some of us want to assert for ourselves and for others that the ones that we allow to exert control over us are "... that "knight in shining armor" sort of strong protector ... a paragon with character traits like kindness and responsibility and honesty and gentleness and generosity ... he would never, ever do or say or ask for anything that might cause ... true discomfort -- emotionally, physically, or spiritually."

And conversely, the sexy, sort of scary, "bad dominant" who "must be a person of low character -- no ethics, no integrity, no human feeling, no heart, and no soul. ... in a relationship with one of these guys... a person is likely to end up abused, de-valued, broken, lost, ruined, and less than human."


What I said about that duality then is what I continue to believe today, maybe even more now -- "the vast majority of us live somewhere in the middle range -- burdened with flaws and graced with glorious gifts... human creatures..."

For good or bad, we live and love, and we grow in the doing of that living and loving.  He isn't perfect.  Neither am I.  Neither is T.  We all suffer from this FAMILY DISEASE, and we are all now working to live in recovery from that disease.  We've made mistakes, hurt one another and been downright arrogant and foolish in the event.  But not always.  There is good along with the bad.  Today we are more awake, more clear, more humble.  We are living with a cherished hope that there are better times ahead and that what we will learn in the coming days and months and years will enrich our family and allow us to share our gifts with others we may encounter.

There are moments, as we work our way along through all of this that I am reminded of the possibility that I outlined in a post that I called Ownership and Being Owned.  I was playing "devil's advocate," challenging the assertion of some that they were living in total power exchange relationships without any limits.  Instead of drawing up grisly hypotheticals of slaves dismembered and killed in the name of "no limits," I proposed a scenario that, in my mind, seemed almost worse than death:  What if any or each of us were to get this sort of direction from the One to whom we have pledged our obedience?

I've had a revelation.
I've been on the wrong path.
I understand that SM is "bad, sick, and abusive."
So, the first thing that you must do is pack up and discard all of the paddles, whips, clamps, clips, and other "toys."
Dismantle all of the restraints and bondage gear.
From now on, I want our relationship to contribute to the well-being of mankind and the earth, so each day your "tasks" will be as follows:
Monday -- volunteer at the homeless shelter
Tuesday -- voulnteer for a local agency for people with developmental disabilities
Wednesday -- volunteer for an agency that works for the environment
Thursday -- volunteer for the local Headstart
Friday -- volunteer for a local agency for the aging/elderly
I expect you to journal about each of your daily activities just as you have been doing.
Oh yes, I've also decided that as part of my ongoing spiritual quest, I am adopting the practice of celibacy, so please dispose of the bed and purchase two simple twin beds for the bedroom."


Now, the shifts in our lives have not gone to that extreme.  Not exactly.  On the other hand, what is happening for us is surely not particularly kinky or sexy.  We are immersed in the hardest, most desperately important work we've ever done.  There are times, especially late at night and very early in the morning when I lie in bed and stare at the toys hanging unused in the racks on the wall, and I think that they ought to be packed away.  When, I wonder, will that part of our lives ever come back?  Ever?  I get sad and sink down into hopelessness and despair.  I don't want what was -- it was too often scary and frustrating and just awful.  Things are better now that He is not drinking.  Things are much better now that we are recovering.  Things get better each day, and I am hopeful that we'll continue on that path.  But it is all different than what I expected so very many years ago.  If there was some implied limit regarding having life turn out differently than we expected, then we have blasted through it into some unfamiliar territory -- AND we are still here.  Together.  Working and growing and learning.  We still love.  We still laugh. We are still good.  

And so, just for today, that is the story about the path in this particular place.

swan