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We are three adults living in a polyamorous triad family. The content here is intended for an adult audience. If you are not an adult, please leave now.


You Mean They KNOW?

One of the challenges of having blogged for years and years is that it can feel like absolutely everything there is to say has been said.  Repeatedly.  There are times when I stare at my glowing computer screen, and draw a complete blank.  Under those circumstances, it can be a relief to get any kind of spark of an idea.  Sometimes, someone will ask a question, or a series of questions, in a comment -- and I'll realize that there are still some things that I haven't written about here; bits and pieces of life that I never imagined anyone would care about.  An anonymous comment left today worked exactly like that, pointing to a gap in this long-running conversation...

So let me get this straight, your ex-husband's wife reads this blog, which means your ex and almost certainly your adult kids must know about it as well. And we know Tom's daughter knows because she referenced this blog when she uninvited Tom to her wedding. So the rest of Tom's family probably knows about this blog too, human nature being what it is.

And yet you still blog! I'm honestly curious, I'm not trying to be mean or negative, why doesn't it bother you? Or does it and you feel it's too important to give up? Or maybe you want your family to know about your intimate thoughts and feelings? You believe in total transparency? Or do you feel that if they read it, that's their problem, that you didn't invite them here, etc.?

I'm honestly curious because I know I would be unable to do it myself. I'm trying to understand. :)

So, anonymous, this is for you.  But first, you seem to have been reading here long enough to know that we don't really appreciate anonymous commenters.  We like names; some sort of moniker by which we might recognize you should you choose to reappear here in the future.  Probably it is a function of our ages... we think that conversations begin with a polite "hello," and an introduction where appropriate.  Given that you and I missed that "hello, my name is ___________________" step, I'll just call you "Santa Rosa."  I hope you don't mind.

Santa Rosa -- 
I have to admit that your questions really caught me off guard.  And, actually, that isn't true.  It wasn't the questions themselves so much as the shocked tone that surprised me.  Even with your "I'm not trying to be mean or negative" disclaimer, you sound scandalized.  That's where I'd like to start.  What is it about our relationship; our family that would give cause for scandal?  We love one another.  We care for one another.  We do the things that families do -- gathering over dinner, sharing chores, making decisions about finances, supporting one another through the tough days, and rejoicing for one another when things go well.  We are a family.  Admittedly, there are more of us than you will find in a traditional marriage.  We are three and not two.  Tom and T were already a couple when I met them.  They were in love, and in time they married.  I was there to celebrate the occasion with many of their friends and family members.  When love grew up between He and I, we did not do what is so often done by those in "traditional" marriages.  We did not decide that someone had to "lose" so that someone else could "win."      Rather than kicking one love to the curb in order to actualize a loving connection to another love, we chose, deliberately, to stay together -- and love each other.  What is it about that choice that causes you to sound so shocked?  

Maybe it is our sexual and erotic lifestyle that give you pause.  Maybe it is the clear and unvarnished admission here that we are sexual with one another, and that our erotic preferences are out of the "mainstream."  There is, sadly, still societal bias against our BDSM and poly relational styles -- a deep seated prejudice insisting that there is something wrong, perverse, sick, and shameful about us.  I reject that set of assumptions and biases.  There is nothing wrong with loving as we love.  Our erotic orientation toward BDSM is not perverse or sick, although it is surely different than what we sometimes call vanilla sexuality.  You may assume, Santa Rosa, that there is something for me to be ashamed of in what is written here -- but that is your perception and does not match anything in my reality.

Begin with that perspective, and the rest of your confusion and bewilderment will probably lessen significantly.  

So, let's tick off the cast of "known" readers who are related to us, one way or another:

  • My ex-husband's wife.  Yes.  Clearly, she is a reader here.  She didn't learn about us through her marriage to the ex-husband.  She knew of us before my divorce.  In fact, she was in a spanking relationship with Master before I arrived on the scene.  So, I very much doubt that anything she is reading here is shocking to her.  
  • Ex-husband.  I don't know if he reads here or not.  He may.  I have nothing to hide from him.  We were married.  For 28 years.  We are no longer married.  He knows about my life and my relationship.  He lived the beginnings of this with me.  It wasn't for him.  I hope he is happy in his new life.  I wish him all the best.
  • My adult children.  My son is 35, and my daughter is 33.  They are really, really all grown up.  They both know about my lifestyle.  I don't bring it up, and they generally don't ask.  What is important to the two of them is that I am well and loved and cared for.  They understand and appreciate that this is my choice.    They know about this place.  They might read here -- or not.  I suspect that they do not.  Probably, they are like many adults who would prefer not to know the details of their parents' sex lives, and so simply do not look.  Like you, Santa Rosa, they would have to make deliberate choices to read here.  They are surely welcome if they are curious.
  • Master's ex-wife.  Yes.  She has made it clear that she knows about this blog.  Our stats show that she peeks in from time to time.  She doesn't bring it up and neither do we.  If she had questions, we'd be happy to answer them.  Our relationship with her remains cordial.
  • Master's adult daughter.  Yes, she did, indeed, make it clear that she knew about us; had read the blog; and was, like you Santa Rosa, shocked and appalled.  In her anger with her Father, at the time of her wedding, she made some pretty clumsy threats about perhaps exposing us...  But I imagine that her better instincts kicked in and she chose to take the high road.  After all, if she isn't going to relate to us, why would she care what we do or do not do.  It does not impact her life in any way.
  • Master's adult son.  Hmmm...  I always think that one knows everything and understands more than that.  He is the wisest young person I have ever had the privilege to know.  To date, he has not given us any indication that he knows about this blog, but I wouldn't be surprised if his sister, or his mother, put him on to us.  Again, there is nothing here of which we are ashamed; nothing in our lives which we hide from our families.  

We DO still blog, Santa Rosa.  We have blogged for a very long time now.  It will be seven years next month.  The words here tell our story.  The words here give us peace.  The words let us talk with each other and with our community.  The words help us work out confusions and conundrums.  It is an important outlet for us; an important connection.  

You suggest that perhaps it doesn't matter about our families reading here because we didn't invite them to read this blog, and so it is their problem.  Actually, for some of them, that isn't true.  My adult children were in fact told about this blog and invited to read (or not) if they wanted to do that.  We invite everyone in some sense.  We do not hide.  We never have.  Some people find this blog interesting.  Some, I think, find it helpful as they chart their own course.  Maybe some even find it titillating or exciting, although I have to admit that I find that one hard to comprehend.  

When it is all said and done, Santa Rosa, this blog is for us.  We do it because it works for us on a lot of different levels.  There are risks.  We know that.  We understand that what we write here is "out there" for anyone and everyone to see.  We live with that reality.  The fact is that the danger is there whether we write or not.  The society in which we live is continually in opposition to people like us.  The threat never ends; never goes away; is never completely out of our awareness.  We live our lives in hiding.  We keep ourselves to ourselves.  We are ever alert to the potential of exposure in the wrong place.  We write to connect.  We write to affirm our lives and our reality.  We write because that is what we can do.  Those who love us, love us.  For the rest?  They will never see what is wrong with their righteousness.  I have no time for them.



  1. Anonymous9:52 PM

    Well, I'm not exactly "scandalized", lol. That's a bit much. But I am surprised and curious that you guys lay out so much intimacy knowing your family reads here. And I don't have a prejudice against poly or BDSM, you could be vanilla as can be and blogging about all these personal issues and I'd be equally surprised and curious.

    It's not something I could ever do nor most people I've known so I simply wanted to know how you deal with it, it seems unusual, your baring so many details and I don't mean sexual. Which is why I asked if you had a belief in total transparency or something like that.

    You may call me Santa Rosa all you want if it makes you feel better.

    signed, Santa Rosa :)

  2. Anonymous9:57 PM

    Oops, followup! Just to be very clear, it seems unusual that you blog so many private details knowing your family reads here. Lots of secret blogs with lots of intimate details out there.

    Usually not where the family reads, that's the part I found unusual :)

    Signed Santa Rosa, lol

  3. I'll admit that I sometimes sit here and read what you guys write in awe because I'm just not able to blog with the same amount of transparency. I try, and I choke on my own words. Largely it's because I'm fearful of the negative toned comments affecting me.

  4. Anonymous9:01 AM

    Oh my giddy aunt! I couldn't be so transparent. I'm pretty sure there are secrets I keep from myself. :)

    On the other hand, it feels like all this relationship review is having a positive impact. You sound better. <3



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