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We are three adults living in a polyamorous triad family. The content here is intended for an adult audience. If you are not an adult, please leave now.


Sex Positive

We have, and in particular, I have a (I believe) small following of commenters who are wildly, rabidly, intensely negative about the sexuality that I live and talk about in my writing here.  I don't exactly know how many of these folks there are visiting here on a regular basis.  I can identify some of them, recognizing where they come from in my stats, and feeling some familiarity with their writing styles.  My little anti-fan club does seem to focus very specifically on me; there is little or no significant judgment or vituperative language aimed at Master or T.  I find that interesting and intriguing...

It could just be that, where we have posted pictures of naked body parts here, those photos have almost entirely been of my parts and pieces.  If it is pure and simply nakedness that sets them off, then I can see how, sifting through the years of archives here, you could find enough nakedness to achieve that...  But it would be some work.  Page for page, there are not that many butt pictures, and they are repetitive enough that it would seem to me that the shock value would diminish pretty quickly.

It must be something else; something else that tips my little posse of critics over into anger and negativity.  Perhaps, it really is just a reflection of the larger society.  Maybe, those who go out of their way to come visit here, over and over, and dig through the archives, and compose comments filled with bitterness and hate, are simply unable to shake their own background and cultural imprinting and see my (and our) living out our sexuality in a loving relationship, as anything but just BAD.  

If you believe, incontrovertibly, that sex is bad, shameful, sick, and meant to be severely limited and constrained, then it is very likely that the "sex positive" nature of many BDSM blogs would make you just crazy.  After all, we talk publicly, and at length, and in detail about things that many people won't discuss with anyone except their partners -- and maybe not even WITH their partner in some cases.  There are plenty of otherwise healthy people, who will not make love with the lights on; have never looked at their own genitalia in a mirror; never touched themselves in an intimate way.  There are grown men and women who cannot comfortably say the words to name their own sex organs.

Ours is a culture that is steeped in sex-negativity -- the belief that sex is inherently bad.  That is, for our society, one of our most deeply rooted convictions. We are so caught in that belief system that we who violate the norms cause outrage.  It is outrage born of discomfort.  My bunch of unhappy commenters are clearly horrified that I have an active sex life; that I enjoy my sex life; that I talk openly and freely here about my sex life; that I do not hide my sexual choices behind locked doors; and that, as a result of all of that, there is some possibility that my adult children might learn about the "SHAMEFUL" behaviors in which I engage.

If I just ignore the irony that the sex-negative ones cannot seem to find the internal self-discipline to not come here, then I find it instructive.  They just assume that their sense of moral outrage is, OF COURSE, right.  They can't begin to fathom a point of view that differs from their own.  They don't even have language to express a more positive attitude toward sex -- if they could formulate some different notion in the first place.

It is as if, we as a society, had defined that the only acceptable meal for adult humans was oatmeal and black coffee.  Such a definition of the "right" way to eat would leave out a whole host of wondrous and delectable and delightful food choices.  There would be no pizza, no strawberries, no sashimi, no hot fudge sundaes, no Thanksgiving turkey -- and except for those filthy degenerates who gathered in sleazy hotels and private basements to indulge in "unacceptable" food choices, no one would even contemplate that there was anything that one might choose to eat but oatmeal and coffee.  It is just absurd to think of that kind of world.  Most of us can't even imagine it, and yet there are those (and they are likely the majority) who would insist that those who don't subscribe to the "white lace dress, married to one person, until death do us part, missionary position sex once a week" sexuality diet are somehow "icky" and to be censured.

I don't think there is a thing wrong with making choices about how and when to satisfy one's sexual appetites in consensual ways.  If consenting partners are enjoying varieties of sexual expression that are not to my taste, that is just fine -- I don't eat raw oysters either.  I think that those who choose chastity at certain points in their lives are making valid sexual choices.  I think that practicing safe sex with multiple partners is a valid sexual choice.  I think that those who live inside of long term committed marriages are making valid sexual choices.  I think that loving someone of the same sex is a valid sexual choice.  I think that choosing to bear children is a valid sexual choice.  I think that choosing to not conceive children is a valid sexual choice.  I think that loving more than one is a valid sexual choice.  I think that sexual modesty is a valid sexual choice.  I think that sexual flamboyance is a valid sexual choice.  I think that enjoying gentle caresses is a valid sexual choice.  I think that finding pleasure in sadomasochistic play is a valid sexual choice...

What I do not, truly, understand is why my choices should be targeted by someone who simply would choose differently than I do.  And, I will never, ever understand why those people believe that they should get to be the arbiters of my sexual choices, and my speaking as I choose about those choices.




  1. Bra and VO, lady!

  2. Anonymous12:55 AM

    Your hypocrisy never fails to amaze me. You have written post after post after post judging and critisizing almost everyone imaginable. You have viciously attacked unsuspecting strangers in public when their behavior rubbed you the wrong way. Do you ever read your own blog? That is why these comments are directed at you. And yet every time you receive such a comment you write another long, patronizing post JUDGING (incorrectly I might add) the commenter, even as you attack them for stating an opinion. And although you rant and rave about the comment, you don't have the courage to allow them to be seen. The truth hurts I suppose.

    I doubt you will find any support for exposing your children to a picture of you fisting yourself, regardless of their ages. I merely pointed out that there was a significant "ick" factor there, quoting from your very own post in which you were, once again, judging others. If you don't realize that, you're delusional.

    Seriously, the picture of you fisting yourself was bad enough. It's not the act that is offensive. It's the idea that you need to post it for the world, AND YOUR OWN CHILDREN, to see. Why? Why do you need this attention?

    And why assume that someone with a simple sense of decency is sex negative? Or even vanilla for that matter? Or unhappy?

    All the readers here realize quite clearly who is bitter, angry, and unhappy.

  3. ROFL, it is so gratifying to lay a trap and have the predictability of the prey involved snap it shut so efficiently. The prey in this case a repeat offender who has repeatedly authored negative, and at time vitriolic anonymous comments here. There can be no more perfect argument for the validity of swan's post than this response.

    Does it not seem odd that, what with this commenter from Plano, Texas finding what is presented here so trememndously offensive, she/he has read here religiously for years?

    Thank you for your response.....offered within four hours of this post's appearance on the Blog. We could never have written anything to more effectively illustrate the concept this post addresses.


  4. Anonymous8:03 AM

    Son of a gun. I go out of town and I miss all the dang fun. I don't see any ucky comments, but maybe you deleted them?

    Wouldn't blame you, but I think I would reply to someone like that:

    Jealous much?



  5. Well here's the thing. If they really wanted to show us the error of our ways - they would be out there preaching or banging on our doors with pamphlets rather than lurking around sex blogs (FOR YEARS!) criticizing us.

    I think they desire and fear what you have in almost equal measure. I think it's sad for them. And,yes very fucking annoying for you that they can't stay away.

    good luck

  6. Anonymous11:40 AM

    Your blog is in a folder in my bookmarks, along with tons of other bloggers I keep track of, from mommy-bloggers to humor bloggers and everything in between. I middle-click the folder with my mouse and they all pop up in my browser at once.

    I don't come here to read about your sex lives and I don't care that you're poly or BDSM. It simply doesn't matter to me, I'm not offended, I'm not titillated, I am just not interested and when you blog about such things, I skim.

    I am very curious at how you all relate to each other. Like watching a reality show.

    My surprise at your kids reading here was much more about the other, non-sexual aspects of your relationship. The fights, the drunkenness, the arrests, the pain.

    Like K, I missed the Plano, TX comments, or any others like them. Maybe those readers were upset about your sex life but I'm not.

  7. Anonymous3:39 PM

    I just appreciate that someone else is actually having sex. Any kind of consensual sex.

    As I am not. :(


  8. Anonymous11:14 AM

    Oh, now I see the comment above that was previously deleted! It is now the second comment.

    Wow. Fisting, eh? Luckily I missed that one lol!

    I don't see what "trap" was sprung by the commenter commenting on a post that seems to have been directed at him/her, though. But they do make some good points, IMO.

  9. "And, I will never, ever understand why those people believe that they should get to be the arbiters of my sexual choices, and my speaking as I choose about those choices."

    Well Dear Swan, no one else does get to be the arbiter of anything about your life - unless you allow them to. Petty people need to feel significant and important, and every time they get a rise out of you they receive a surge of power. I urge a liberal use of the delete button, and never referring to them at all, in order to remove any hint of power over you or in your life. In fact, I would encourage the use of comment moderation, just for the purpose of not allowing people to empower themselves at your expense.
    But that's just my 2 cents. I don't generally care much what others think or say about me, and I rarely allow them to take any of my power away. I only give that to Master. :)

  10. Anonymous4:44 PM

    I just wanted to say that I actually found your blogging about your struggles post-hysterectomy to be extremely helpful to me.

    I am a young woman who, at 31 years old had to have a hysterectomy because of a horrifically quick progression of fibroids (in less than 5 months I went from 2 detectable on ultrasound to an entire uterus so full of them that it was pushing all my other internal organs out of shape). Reading your struggles definitely gave me hope, because it helped me to that realization that a womb does not equal a woman.
    I was a virgin in terms of partner sex when the hysterectomy happened, largely because I had not had a relationship in which sex felt like it would be a natural or comfortable extension of our interactions. I have no regrets about this. (It seems prudent, though, to add that I am quite comfortable taking care of my own needs so, it's really not a matter of sex seeming "bad, wrong, dirty" or anything like that, it's simply knowing myself well enough to make the decisions that are right for me). I returned to being a fully orgasmic, fantasizing woman within three months of my surgery.
    So, please, I want you to know that you writing frankly and honestly about your relationships, sexuality, and your feelings DOES do some good in the world. It does help people.
    From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
    "Friendly and Curious"


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