Sometimes a Fellow wants...

Like almost 21 million others, our family lives with diabetes. It influences our lives on many different levels. Often, we "dance" with the constraints and limitations it imposes, and never even think about it; so ingrained are the patterns that the illness has woven through our lives...

T's diagnosis came just weeks before I arrived here to live. Master's was years before. We often note that I am the only one in the family with a "metabolism."

We've gotten to be the ninja warriors of diabetes control. We shop and cook with a critical eye on all the "numbers;" watching for carbohydrates, fats, sugars, sodium... We pay attention to all the other medical and lifestyle care modalities as well. Diet, exercise, routine screenings... we do it all conscientiously and aggressively. Still there is a progressive component to the disease. We all know this is the reality.

Years ago, when we were first coming to know one another, when I was still living across the country, when most of our contact was long distance, Master and I talked, by phone and email and IM, often for hours at a time, about everything that we could think of, sharing the most amazing connection and bond. I talked with Him about things I'd never ever talked to anyone about -- not even the man I'd been married to for a quarter of a century. Yet, there were things that remained oddly vague and obscure. We were clearly, openly, deliberately, consciously moving toward a very intensely intimate, deeply passionate relationship, but I had no sense of how the two of us would BE together sexually.

Ultimately, as we approached the point of actually being able to be together as we'd dreamed and talked, I took the plunge and simply asked the question: "what will it be like between us sexually?"

It was then that He told me that diabetes had impacted that part of His life and that there were issues related to nerve sensation, ability to sustain erections, and delayed ejaculation. He told me that the likelihood was that we would never have intercourse in the normal manner. I understood that, and never once wavered. My path was set. I am happy to report that His prediction has turned out to be incorrect, BTW. He and I fuck like the proverbial bunnies...

However...

There remain some issues. That limited sensation in the penis, and the issue of delayed ejaculation... Sometimes a fellow wants a blowjob, you know? He seldom asks. Because, well, it just isn't like you would think it would be... All that great stuff about what does and does not work and how to do it... There are only just a few, little, bitty places that even notice that you are there, and they aren't where a girl would think they would be, and once you find them, if you can find them, you better be prepared to go after it for a really, really, really long time. Can you say "Energizer Bunny?"

But we've been on restriction for such a gosh darn long time... Anything. We'd do anything just to have some sense of one another. So Sunday, He said, "I'd like it, but I don't want to strain you..." Awwww...

My only hesitation was that I so seldom "succeed" in the sense of bringing Him to climax. But, I just wanted to be there, to be with Him, to be for Him, to please somehow. It didn't matter so much -- the "success." I don't know how long it went on. I don't know how "good" it was. I got lost in the doing somehow. I think there were times where He directed it some, other times where He simply let me go, on and on and on and on...

I have never felt like I was "good" at giving blowjobs, never actually enjoyed it. This was different. I was entirely, joyously, happy with Him and with us and with me this time. Caught up in Him and His pleasure and the sensations between us, the sounds of us, the light and dark between and around us, the waves that carried us. Somehow this time, there was no "success" and no "failure." There was only a joining that was good.

swan