Working

Some of the "work" of submission gets done in the quiet places in my mind where I am forever checking to see if I am ready for whatever He might ask for/require next.

I've been hearing Him talking to Himself, and to me in some sort of sideways commentary, about what He is contemplating. The reality is that, for many months now, because of our various health issues, His and mine, our SM play has been in decline and abeyance. He has not felt well, and He has spared me as I have increasingly struggled with my own issues.

Between His summer knee replacement, and the ensuing recovery and rehabilitation, and my escalating pain and debilitation leading eventually to the recent hysterectomy, we've been a pair of SM players with the rheostat turned way, way down. Compared to what was our accustomed mode when we came together almost four years ago, we've essentially quit playing save for "now and then." Circumstances have conspired to defeat our longings and our instinctual drives.

That is about to change. He is feeling largely recovered -- is determined to regain lost strength and physical vitality, and has embarked on the regimen that will bring that about. I will reach the six week post-surgical milestone tomorrow. We are hopeful that my minor issues have been resolved and that our official medical clearance for much longed for physical intimacy will be granted on Friday. There are still questions about the anemia, and we will have to wait for that word, but by month's end, hopefully we'll know about that as well. My recovery progresses.

Then... I hear Him saying He intends to take me back to Him fully and use me hard. He seems to have renewed His fascination with whips in this time of hiatus. Perhaps that is because He has been contemplating the need to find lighter implements that don't "jar" my healing insides. Or, perhaps it is simply the shifting of His sadistic tastes. I don't know. I only know the terror and the thrill that it brings up in my guts.

And so I whispered to Him in the darkness last night -- "I don't want you to be disappointed in me..."

He laughed, and wondered what I was talking about. I think it is always a mystery to Him where that sort of thing comes from. He doesn't know that when He hears that kind of whisper, I've been "working," trying to make sure that I am "there" where He wants me to be when the time comes.

I fear that, as long as we've been away from the intense sort of play we used to do, that I'll be quite terribly wimpy at it. Honestly, I've no idea how to get anything but "wimpy" at being at the end of His whip. I suppose, I'm really grasping at this point for some sort of anchoring in the security of His knowing that I'm here and awake and afraid and ready at His hand. Whatever strength and obedience I have is His. All my love and longing is focused on the singularity of being His.

Beyond that, the rest will have to be up to Him.

swan