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We are three adults living in a polyamorous triad family. The content here is intended for an adult audience. If you are not an adult, please leave now.

2/27/2006

Willfullness?

I don't know. Maybe this is the issue. Maybe I'm just willfull. Whenever we get into these crossed-up places, where things aren't "easy," and we start out talking about what is the "problem," invariably I come away with the sense that I am the problem. Somehow, it is clear that I've changed, lost my orientation, misled, back-tracked, stopped fulfilling the promises, stopped going where I said I would... If you just type "willfullness" into Google, this is the definition that you come up with:

Noun 1. willfulness - the trait of being prone to disobedience and lack of discipline
fractiousness, unruliness, wilfulness
intractability, intractableness
- the trait of being hard to influence or control
contrariness, perverseness, perversity - deliberate unruliness

No wonder He seems frustrated with me. No wonder He seems quick to withdraw. No wonder He is so ready to suggest that perhaps I might be better suited to a vanilla partner. Who needs the hassle?

I know that submissives submit. But I've worn Him out. He no longer wants to deal with my hurting if it is not joyful. If hurt uncovers anger and rage then He does not want it. Only smiling masochists need apply. If there is another shore beyond the rage, I only rarely get there. And every abortive voyage feels like failure to us both. And every failed attempt ups the ante and the anxiety.

Psych.

swan

3 comments:

  1. Anonymous11:39 AM

    You're MINE always and all ways.

    That hasn't changed. It won't.

    I love you.

    Tom

    Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

    ReplyDelete
  2. swan.. i read both your blogs this morning.... and when i came to comment i saw 1 comment already here... before i opened the comment section i JUST knew Tom would have replied... He comes across in His comments as a very caring loving man......

    i have no major words of wisdom for you.. unfortunately.. but i wonder if you always had this "view" (for lack of a better word) towards masochism? Or is it something that has just crept up on you??

    i ask because i had a complete melt down on Sunday evening... it hurt .. just plain hurt! and i didn't seem to be able to find the inner strength to deal with it.. and i am left asking "what the devil just happened??"

    morningstar (owned by Warren)

    ReplyDelete
  3. morningstar -- I know I am loved. I am the luckiest of women. To have found this man was and is the greatest gift of my life. I believe we are soul mates, matched from long before we ever "found" each other.

    He never stops telling me that He loves me. Still, I am quite sure that He is sometimes frustrated to the point of fury with the labrynthine shadows of my mind.

    As for your question... I think I'll try and address that in another post. It is just not that simple.

    swan

    ReplyDelete

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