Willfullness?

I don't know. Maybe this is the issue. Maybe I'm just willfull. Whenever we get into these crossed-up places, where things aren't "easy," and we start out talking about what is the "problem," invariably I come away with the sense that I am the problem. Somehow, it is clear that I've changed, lost my orientation, misled, back-tracked, stopped fulfilling the promises, stopped going where I said I would... If you just type "willfullness" into Google, this is the definition that you come up with:

Noun 1. willfulness - the trait of being prone to disobedience and lack of discipline
fractiousness, unruliness, wilfulness
intractability, intractableness - the trait of being hard to influence or control
contrariness, perverseness, perversity - deliberate unruliness

No wonder He seems frustrated with me. No wonder He seems quick to withdraw. No wonder He is so ready to suggest that perhaps I might be better suited to a vanilla partner. Who needs the hassle?

I know that submissives submit. But I've worn Him out. He no longer wants to deal with my hurting if it is not joyful. If hurt uncovers anger and rage then He does not want it. Only smiling masochists need apply. If there is another shore beyond the rage, I only rarely get there. And every abortive voyage feels like failure to us both. And every failed attempt ups the ante and the anxiety.

Psych.

swan