What Are Your Fantasies?

That is the question He asked me the other night as I struggled again in the desert that has become my post-surgical sexual state.

It had come to seem that nothing, NOTHING, was working to assuage the growing sexual frustration with which I've lived since the end of December. Even the week and wobbly orgasms which I'd managed in weeks three and four seemed to have fled, and lately I've not been managing any sort of release at all. Exhaustion, worry, fear -- all of it seems to be working its evil magic to keep me from regaining access to that part of my female life. Along with that more mundane, "vanilla" sexuality, there is the plain reality that I am continually traipsing off to visit the doctor and so, our SM-play has been dropped into the deep freeze as well. I might as well have taken vows of celibacy when I signed that surgical release. Maybe we both should have...

The truest answer to His question is, that until recently, I've been too tired to entertain any fantasies -- and too freaked out. All I've been able to do is survive. Survive and sleep the sleep of the nearly dead...

But then, just the other night, long after He'd fallen asleep, I finally made it to the mountain top. And the story in my head was one that would have made the sadist in Him proud, even as it scared the masochist in me half to death.

Stocks.

The singletail.

The gag.

All the elements that terrify me at the highest and deepest levels, took me flying off the edge and rocked me into a full on, out of control orgasm that did not fizzle, did not wobble, did not disappoint...

To be fair, the fantasy in my head, did not resemble any reality that will likely ever transpire. The scene played out with much foreplay, with much preamble, with great sensuality, with a great deal of setup that put me in a "headspace" to BE there, to feel in my body, to drop into the place to let it all go. Stylistically, those things are almost certainly not going to accompany any trip to the stocks or any real life encounter with the single tail. Still, I was jubilant that my very first return to full sexual response was in answer to such a powerful sadomasochistic archetype.

For me, this is reassuring and affirming.

I am, perhaps, healing on levels that are not merely physical.

At last.

swan