Standing on Their Shoulders -- Giving Some of it Back

I've been very lucky.

There were more than a few, who in my exploratory beginnings of the lifestyle, shared generously of their knowledge and their wisdom; who were willing to show me what they had learned and experienced as they traveled the path that lay still ahead of me. I benefitted in large and small ways because I had access to that depth of understanding at a time when I had far more enthusiasm and starry-eyed wonder than good sense...

There was a nurse who's name I do not remember anymore. She was a member of the club where my husband and I played frequently in our early days. She was the first to debunk the "myth" of that "Safe, Sane, and Consensual" mantra. She told me in no uncertain terms: "what we do is not safe. Decide what you will do, and what you will not do, but know that none of it is SAFE. There are risks to all of it." She scared me, but she made me look at the reality of the risks that I was taking.

There was an older and more experienced submissive, who, when I bemoaned the fact that my husband was not consistent enough, not Dominant enough, not this enough, and not that enough, simply looked at me, and told me -- "This is not about you, this is about learning to serve and anticipate his needs and meet his desires. Submissives submit."

There were experienced players in the dungeon where we played, who shared their skills; who shared their knowledge; who simply played and let me watch and learn.

There were older slaves, whose grace and skill and poise and calm gave me a model that I tried to comprehend and emulate.

There were so many guides, mentors, and teachers. Not all of them were gentle. Not all of them were kind. Not all of them were subtle. There were several along the line who yanked me up short, and (at least figuratively) smacked me silly. Those who thought I was being foolish, self-absorbed, or just plain stupid, didn't waste any time in letting me know about it. More than a few hurt my pride and pissed me off. But I survived and I grew and I learned. More importantly, I probably avoided a number of potentially really bad choices.

I know I never said the appropriate "thank you's." Didn't understand the gift at the time, and truth to tell, had I tried it, I'd have embarrased most of them -- it just doesn't work that way. I do think, however, that it probably does work this way: those of us who get given that sort of gift have some obligation to pass on what is given to us.

It is part of what drives me to want to reach out, sometimes, to those who are beginning the journey -- especially to those who seem terribly sincere and earnest.

One of the places that I tend to get most crazy is when I sense that we, who have been at this awhile, have not done a very good job of posting "DANGER AHEAD" signs... I think it is one of my particular pet peeves. It is much easier now than it was when I found my way to all of this, to simply sit down at your computer, and find a whole raft of sort of "normal" seeming people all writing and talking about doing BDSM at all kinds of different levels. You don't have to hang around the blogosphere very long before you can get caught up in the whirl of D/s and M/s blogs where everyday "everyone" is reporting on how hot and steamy and intense their BDSM life is...

It makes me anxious. It makes me nervous. It makes me crazy. I worry that there just almost certainly HAVE to be sincere and earnest relatively new explorers out there, without much in the way of real life experience; without anyone to sit down with them face to face; without a real place to go and watch and learn -- who are trying to keep up and compete. I think that is dangerous and wrong.

I got myself into "trouble" recently commenting (with undue terseness) over at Tea and Oranges, because of this exact sort of thing. They're one of the most amazingly intelligent and eloquent couples, I've found exploring their blossoming BDSM relationship together. I reacted somewhat intensely to language in a post on their blog referring to "The Beast." It is an expression I am seeing more and more often -- it pops up all over the place these days. Frankly it is a "fad" that I find disturbing because it is imagery that I find dangerous for players without much experience or knowledge. "The Beast" may have a place in serious SM power exchange, but it is turf that ought not to be trod lightly. I'm afraid I wasn't as gentle, or as subtle as I might have been, but I got a sudden visceral hit of two relatively new players caught up in a sort of trying to "keep up" with everyone else, rather than following the path and speed that makes the best sense for them. I may have diagnosed it incorrectly, but it scared the willies out of me. I think the "older ones" among us have an obligation to be careful and at least vigilant with what we say and how we say it -- we ought to at least acknowledge the liklihood that some who read what we write will take what we say and "try it at home."

Oh well. I annoyed those folks. I surely didn't mean to. So, I'll nod (metaphorically speaking in two directions) -- their way with apologies, and toward my own past guides and teachers with deep gratitude.

swan