Clarifying

Some things get simpler when you overlay a power exchange dynamic on a relationship. There are rules and protocols and expectations. Routines define the way the days and weeks pass, and that sameness can create a sense of stability and security. That can be very good. Knowing how the power flows eliminates a lot of uncertainty and the need for pushing and pulling that can develop in less defined power structures. But power exchange can make some things tricky. That is especially true, I've discovered, when the "slave" part of a power exchange dynamic has an "issue." Unless the dynamic has pathways to address that possibility, there can be blockages that are very difficult to clear.

That has been my story, and it has been a story that I have been ... reluctant to tell in plain language.

I've been mad. I've been mad at Him. The anger hasn't been entirely rational, or even entirely all about the same thing all the time -- once it got started though, it seemed to attract things to itself. But, I'm His slave. I have had no idea what to do about dealing with that anger. It has seemed wrong to me, and on the few occasions when I've managed to work myself up to trying to discuss it with Him, He's cut me off from that path with just a very few words (that sound that Masters seem to have). Other people don't seem to GET mad at their Masters -- or if they do, they sure as heck don't talk about it openly. If you are reading in the same places that I've been reading, slaves are all happy and joyous all the time, and the Master-types are unfailingly good and just and most of all "RIGHT."

Fact of the matter is, I am slave. I am also a critter with a way too highly developed sense of justice, and when something gets to feeling "out of kilter" to me, there is just no amount of internal talking that is going to quiet down the voice in my head that WILL insist that the way things stand -- just isn't right/just/fair. I KNOW that, within a power exchange dynamic, there is a deliberate choice to make things unequal, and I've agreed to that, but that fits into my inherent sense of justice. Still there are lines that can get crossed that can fall into territory that feels "unfair" -- even inside of that dynamic. That's where my heart and head have been -- for a long, long time. How and why isn't important. That it has felt that way, is. What in the blazes do you do when it feels like the One who holds your whole life in His hands is way out of sync with your heart, and you can't find anyway to bring that to a reasonable place of resolution? How does "property" DO the business of being "mad" at the Owner?

So, it has been way easier to be sad. Sad has seemed an OK emotion for me, as slave, where anger has not. If I got sad, He seemed to accept that emotional state, and supported me in seeking some sort of "help." It wasn't real or truthful or likely to get me anywhere productive, but it seemed somehow more "appropriate," and acceptable.

There's just one problem with that. I can go to therapy until I'm 198, and tell everyone that I'm "depressed," and take a gazillion different kinds of pills, and I'm going to get nowhere at all as long as the root problem is that I'm ANGRY rather than SAD. As long as I keep swallowing that anger -- stuffing it back inside somewhere, and refusing to allow that it is real and genuine and deserving of its moment out in the light, it is going to just keep festering and showing up in violent and inappropriate disguises. Sad and mad are not interchangeable.

I think that the crappy therapist did something right, albeit entirely by accident. He made me furious. Once I got over the shock of living through the absolutely awful session with him, I started to burn and seethe and boil over with the pure injustice of having to have gone through that experience. As the "noise" around here began to devolve towards finding another therapist who would be better, so that I could do it all again, I finally found a voice I've been lacking for the last couple of years. The horrible thought of repeating that experience made it worth risking His displeasure to actually tell Him the truth -- "I am NOT DEPRESSED -- I'M MAD -- AT YOU, and here's why..."

That conversation has not been easy. It has not been particularly light or fun or pleasant. I have had to struggle to hold onto my sense of my own center, so that I could speak directly to what I have been angry about without getting lost in the face of His much quicker ability to spin words and toss phrases and ideas around. I've had to listen carefully and intently to my internal longings, so that I could finally share those with Him. I realize that, as difficult as this week has been, I have owed us both the truths that I have not been telling.

I have no illusions. I don't kid myself that a few conversations, however intense, will change everything and set us back on the path to the M/s promised land. I do think that we have a chance now to move affirmatively to correct problems that really exist between us, rather than expending energy on a strawman of an issue that has been paraded as a masquerade to cover up the difficult challenges that have been too daunting for us to want to tackle within the context of our M/s.

I've been afraid of my own losses and diminishments, and I've been too willing to doubt His capacities and intentions. I'm not liking the results of my being fearful and doubtful. I can choose to go forward clinging to a label that has me sick and weak and mostly unable to cope (with all the deficits that will imply and bring to our life and relatedness), or I can reject that description and deceit and choose to confront the issues that cause me to be angry and uncomfortable until I find a way to accommodate or resolve the questions that lie between He and I. One path seems to leave me weak and continually in the role of victim; the other gives me back the option to go forward into the life I have chosen with courage and joy. That seems like a clear and obvious choice to me.

I do appreciate all the care and concern that has been extended by so many here. I recognize that all the angst that I've poured out here over all of this may seem baffling and perhaps even blatantly dishonest. I wouldn't blame a single person who, at this juncture, simply throws up their hands and says, "The heck with this chick -- she's flat crazy!" I might do the same myself under the circumstances. All I can do is assure people that I have not intended to deceive, but have honestly struggled to know how to cope with the very real pressures and dilemmas that have arisen for me while living within what I have perceived as the covenants I made. I intend to continue to do that. What I do not intend to do anymore is accept the labels that would have me identify as "sick," or "depressed," or "ill," or "crazy" anymore.

swan

Immediate Aftermath of Betrayal

I want to thank all of you who have written here or who have written swan off list offering support and concern and caring. It truly has helped her in the immediate aftermath of this disaster.

I want to thank too those mental health professionals in our midst who have sent us their insights and opinions.

We were talking last night and she is not certain how she will move ahead.

She risked giving me a lot of feedback about openness and honesty she'd like to see in my relationship with her that she thinks will help her, and I am going to work to make those changes. Last night she seemed to be in a place of feeling that if she had that change, resumed exercising, started taking herbal anti-depressants, and just continued living, so that the loss and huge transition the hysterectomy and concomitant menopause has created, falls more distantly into her past, that she might be fine. I'm not sure if I buy that, but am certainly ready to do my part to make changes in our relationship (greater honesty, more directness, particularly with regard to my desire for SM with others, etc.)

Some of you I think may have missed (and please, I'm not being critical...It was wonderful you cared enough to spend energy on our situation and to write us trying to help) that we did check the kink aware professional list. It would be so awesome if we lived where there was a list of KAP's from which to choose, so we could look down the "list" and interview all of them. Our reality is that there is one kink aware counselor within feasible distance of us. I did interview him at the beginning of this year as well as some other counselors/psychologists, etc. I found him excellent in terms of his credentials, his history of affiliations with agencies in our community, and his record with our state in terms of the absence of any complaints, ever, despite a lengthy career. (I happen to have a Masters in Counseling Psychology and direct a nonprofit social service agency here, and so know how to access relevant information). She did see him. I accompanied her to her first visit and was included in the session. The fact is she didn't feel comfortable with their direction and ended the relationship after about 5 (?) sessions. By the way, I still think he is quite good and I would happily refer people to see him whether part of the kink community or not. Sue simply didn't feel that their conversation was headed in a helpful direction, and hated going to therapy.

I didn't do the prescreening this time fearing that perhaps it was my rather directive (imagine that......me......being directive:) and very participatory approach to brokering her/our relationship with that therapist might have been part of the problem.

I'm aware of family (conjoint) therapy as one of you suggested. The issue we have regarding that is that (were we, first of all, to be able to find a competent, knowledgeable, respectful, etc. therapist) health insurance doesn't cover anything other than individual therapy. Thus, there is little market for such approaches, leading practitioners to not develop capacity to deliver that style of therapy. Additionally when it is discussed (I asked), it is generally priced at individual counseling rates. So if we would imagine individual counseling going off at somewhere between $80.00 and $150.00/hour, then the three of us in conjoint therapy would be priced at $240.00 to $450.00/hour. We are talking about taking on an expense that would likely average perhaps $1500.00 a month. We don't have $1500.00/month to pay for this.

One of the challenges we have in discussing this is that I love therapy. I'd love it if we got into conjoint therapy. I enjoy getting down and mucking about in our feelings and motivations and histories and behaviors, etc. within the context of a relationship with a good therapist. Swan hates it and feels stripped and vulnerable and embarrassed and humiliated. T too feels she would rather do anything than have to discuss her feelings. All that aside, though, conjoint therapy is simply not economically possible for us.

So it's, been just one day since swan met this asshole, and she is recovered amazingly well considering how distraught this made her. Having said that she awoke this morning "all wired-up" having spent a good bit of her early morning lying awake replaying the session Monday evening over in her head, and being upset by it.

I've told her that I think returning to seeing the local KAP would make sense with suggestions as to how she might handle it when she doesn't like their direction. I too have left the door open for her to follow the exercise, and relational change approach, if she feels that is what she needs for now.....maybe forever. I am not usually such an indecisive, participatory partner in our 'stuff." I don't feel my compelling her to do psychotherapy or mandating a specific therapist would help her.....not unless her depression were to worsen greatly (although admittedly you are listening to the diagnosis of someone with whom he is deeply in love with, living with, etc., not an impartial professional, so who knows.)

Anyway THANK YOU so much for all the kind words. I know how impotent it often feels, sitting at a keyboard, knowing someone you have come to care for is hurting, but having nothing more tangible to offer than expressions of concern, sympathy, empathy, etc. This time your expressions of caring and support actually helped, and are very deeply appreciated.

As we go forward if you have thoughts, feelings, caring, please let us know.

All the best:)

Tom

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

Betrayed!!!!

This is not swan. It is Raheretic (Tom). We are, to say the least, in a state of disarray tonight. I had an early evening meeting at work (downtown) with a fundraising event committee getting me out of there about 7:15 PM. T of course works until 7:00 PM downtown, and so was headed home on a similar time frame.

Tonight at 6:15 was sue's first appointment with her new counselor. She was up half of last night anguishing over the prospect. She really reacts to this buiness of seeking mental health care with terrible stigma, no matter what anyone tells her. She knows that this means she is mentally ill and that means she is wrong and defective.

You may recall that she had seen a "kink aware professional" I located for her earlier this year. He suggested she make changes she didn't feel were realistic and she didn't like him. She stopped seeing him.

I purposely was only peripherally involved in selecting this one. I was somewhat more involved though after she located the one we wrote about a few days ago who seemed intent on providing "Christian counseling." But this one really was mostly her choice.

She phoned me as I was only a few minutes into my drive home. She was crying so hard it was difficult to understand her. Apparently her new counselor spent most of their hour together lecturing her that of course she was depressed and having rages. No woman could react any other way to the way she was living. She doesn't know if she really belongs. She is only there to the extent whe is permitted to be. Her life is totally hopeless. The only "cure" for her is for her to leave t and I and find a decent relationship.

In her initial email to these folks she had specified that she was in a polyamorous BDSM lifestyle. He had no knowledge of this and didn't understand what those terms meant. Apparently it was when she defined polyamory that he launched into his tyrade the rest of the hour. She was (and is) so devastated that she offered no rejoinder. It sounds like an hour of therapy spent listening to his ravings with very little input from her.

She came home, and amidst all this, had dinner on the table when t and I arrived (talk about an amazing slave). I did as much hugging and assuring her I love her forever and always will as I could, but she had developed a migraine........huge surprise.....on top of it we have a major front moving in, the only significant rain front we've had in two and a half months. She is passed out, snoring away on the couch, sleeping off a migraine med.

So do I suggest going back there (a clinic like pracitce with seeral practitioners.....maybe they'd have a reasonable one....if you could ever get her to set oot in the place again), or go back to the kink aware guy, who may seem less noxious, or try to fine someone esle? Or do I hope this will have made her feel so defensive of our lifestyle and maybe if she gets some appropriate meds (if we can find a practitioner for that) she will feel better? ( I know that sounds nuts..but I'm feeling desperate.) Or..........I don't know what the other "or" is.

I will wake her up now and take her to bed and do my best to hold her all I can and assure her I'll always love her all ways and always.

That is how it went.

Thank you so much for all your support and insght from most of you.

For the occasional Christian who has commented here, you won this day, but you won't win the war. We will keep our swan and see her well.

Tom

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

Please Remember You are Listening to Me, Mostly...

Wandering Traveler commented this way on my last post:

if one person in a relationship finds it their natural inclination to want
to be intimate with others for whatever reason, and another in relationship with
them finds it in their natural inclination to not want to share, where is the
win/win state? who's needs come first? which are needs and which are merely
wants? does that matter? and in a case such as yours, because he is your Master,
does that mean he is the authority for you in ALL aspects of your life, even if
his choices go against your well-being? can anyone know your heart better than
you? you've written about this before, insightfully so, so this is a
long-standing struggle.

At the risk of falling into the trap of "protesting too much," and knowing that I've probably done this all before, I'm going to try to address some of the questions and concerns that I know are embedded in that (I am sure) well-meaning set of queries/statements.

First of all, it is important to remember, as you read here, that however we name this place, mostly it is me. Master and T seldom write here. They could, but neither of them seem to feel the drive to pour out words in this place, and of course, neither of them are under any particular directive to do that. So, the point of view and perspective is almost entirely mine. I am not dishonest in my reporting here, but I am one person, with my own perceptions and reactions. You are not, in reading here, getting a balanced view of our lives or of the cast of characters in this little family drama. You are liable to get a whole lot more of "me" in the upcoming weeks and months. I have considered taking my "therapeutic" meanderings to some other "private" blog, but it seems counterproductive to take whatever is about to happen out of this place. When this is done, I hope it will form a valuable part of the fabric of this story.

Then, please keep in mind that ours is a relationship that is grounded in a power-exchange dynamic. He is "Master," and, as such, He does have the authority and right to make decisions in ALL areas of my life. There are many areas where He chooses not to exercise that authority, and I have a good deal of autonomy, but that is only because He gives me that latitude. He does not act in ways that are purposefully detrimental to my well-being or happiness. He invests significant energy in seeing to my health, happiness, and overall wellness. Still, it is the nature of our life together that the balance between us is specifically unequal. His needs and wants DO come first, if it comes down to it. That is not something that should be construed as a negative. It is something that I sought out, asked for, wanted, chose. It is not something that has ever been "imposed on" me. Further, when I can feel that balance slipping toward something that others might feel is more "fair" and equitable, it makes me uneasy and anxious. I realize that this is a reality that is difficult to credit and understand, but it is the truth and honest fact of my life and the essence of who I am. To deny this is to deny my very core being.

I do struggle with the gap between "being poly" at a philosophical, intellectual level, and "doing poly" in the immediate and real place where a potential new person is on the horizon. That is what you have seen me struggle with here on more than one occasion, if you have been reading for more than just a little bit. I am not proud of that struggle. I wish I were less "freaked out" by that passage from theory to practice. It would be easier for us all. There are a whole lot of factors to that particular bumpiness. If you read carefully, you could probably make the list up for yourself. I won't bore you with running it all again. I do think, however, that it trivializes the truth of our lives to simply reduce this to His "wants" versus my "wants." His inclination to be poly, and hence NEED others in His life, is no less valid than my inclination to be more singular, and hence NEED a focused intimacy. I don't believe that one of those inclinations should necessarily trump the other. Further, I'm not sure they are mutually exclusive. I am pretty well convinced that there is a way to reconcile the two of them, given the appropriate set of circumstances, and enough time, and enough space, and the right people. I know that a disastrously abortive venture in the past (with a dreadfully unqualified potential partner) left its own scarring that has never really healed, and that we've mostly avoided processing that because we each have our own hurts around it that are very tender.

I think poly is enormously complicated. We've been doing it the way we do it for well over five years now, and we know very few "families" like ours. There are a number of more loosely associated poly groupings that we know of, where the intimate expectations and interpersonal intensity levels are somewhat lower. That sort of "organization" may make it easier. I don't know. I do know that knowing and understanding and believing in the theories doesn't make the feelings and emotional reactions disappear. Human interrelatedness is the most complex undertaking in which we can engage. I think we've been learning together all these years. I think we've had some real and significant challenges along the way. I know that I'm ready to leave the hurts behind; heal from the wounds; and move forward. I believe that it is possible to do that and come together to something good for us all. That is the work that I think we are all hoping to do in these next months.

swan

"Poly" Math

I'm a math and science "geek." My earliest college educational endeavors were in engineering, and while I didn't finish that course of study, I remain inclined toward a more technical bent than many folks. I can get fascinated by the far out and esoteric realms of mathematics, and find some of it interesting, entertaining, and philosophically illuminating. I know... strange. Oh, well. Like that is something you didn't already know...

One of my particular interests is the area of study that has to do with transfinite mathematics. Don't panic... I often DO this with my students, so it is perfectly accessible...

Here lately, I've been thinking about the linkage between the theories of the mathematics of "infinity," and the mathematics of polyamory. So, if you want to play on this one, you need to go read a "story." It is called "The Hotel Infinity", and it really is a story. Go ahead. It takes a bit of time to read. I'll wait.

Back now? OK. Then here's how I'm thinking about all of this...

Poly people are fond of saying that "more love makes more love." It is one of those cute, clever, insider slogan-ish bits that we toss off to try and make things sound bright and easy and palatable to all the ones from outside who would look into our lives and make negative judgements. It is right up there on a par with the ubiquitous BDSM slogan, "SSC" (Safe, Sane, and Consensual). It really doesn't mean nearly as much as it seems to on the face of it, and once you start to know a little bit about the reality of things, that quick, glib, clever little throwaway line starts to pale some.

The first problem is that talking about polyamory as if it was a single, easily definable, monolithic thing is really deceptive. There is no one kind of polyamory; no one way of doing it; no agreed upon configuration, or even (when you get down to it) absolute definition of how it really works in every case.

There are poly "webs" where the people involved are really engaging in a tangled set of associated intimate associations. In these relationships, one member may have connections to a number of intimate partners, and each of those partners may have other intimate connections, and so on. The various strands may be only loosely connected to one another, although they may all be aware of the others to some degree or another. It meets the "requirements" for being poly in the sense that no one is being deceptive, and everyone understands that there are all those other connections, but there is little or no intense interaction or connectivity across the various linkage nodes. It really does resemble a big, messy spider web. In such a configuration, if one participant "pulls" on a particular connection, it may impact others within the web, but depending on how far removed they are, they may feel very little of the emotional or relational impact of that "pull."

There are other models for poly that tend to involve fewer members, and form up into configurations that are often "geometric" in terms of how their members relate to one another, and in how we tend to describe them. These are the quads and triads of the poly world. These poly relationships are generally less free-wheeling than the webs. There is often a sort of closed or fidelitous component to these relationships. Within these poly groupings, members may have agreements that allow for the addition of new members through some sort of process that includes input and acceptance from everyone within the group.

There are other models that resemble large families or tribes where members fill roles that are defined hierachically or in levels or pods or some other divisional system that helps to regulate the patterns of the relationship dynamics. Often these groupings have authority structures with power vested in a paternal figurehead who has the responsibility to keep the "family" running smoothly. Offially or not, these groups almost always have some sort of "organizational chart" that defines who is who in the power structure. Often these groups have layers of initiatory paths for new members to come up through as they enter into relationship with the group. People enter in at the lower levels and move up the ladder as if they were joining a big corporation.

And, then, there are the poly folks who don't follow any recognizable patterns; who just do whatever it is they do in whatever way they do it. There are really as many ways of "doing" poly as there are people doing it. We are probably more out of any recognizable pattern than we are truly a real fit in any of the ones I've described. We tend to call ourselves a triad, and that is a convenient and easy descriptor, but it is really about the numeric "count" than anything else.

So, what does it all have to do with "transfinite mathematics?" The Hotel Infinity, remember, always had a VACANCY. No matter how many people showed up wanting a room, there was always space. The odd way the place was constructed, with all those winding hallways, and slanting stairways, and infinite numbers of rooms, meant that there was no end of spaces available. All that had to happen was for the proprietors to get on the loudspeaker, remind the guests that they had agreed to do as asked when the loudspeaker was used, and then tell people to pack up their belongings and move on up to the next room. Not a problem; new guests were simply filled into the rooms vacated when the former occupants did as they were directed. It really didn't matter if you were completely happy in the room with the purple polkadots on the walls -- off you went to the room with the turtle-shaped bed, or the sliding board in the bathroom, or the trap door in the floor... Always room for one more, and anyway, it was an interesting adventure. Just relax and enjoy!

Of course in the story, the person in room #11,943 never knew the person that was creating the necessity for them to move on to room #11,944. They just did what was required and moved. Too, in the end, The Hotel Infinity burned. There was no way to save it. It was too complicated, too many twists and turns. The fire department couldn't find their way down all the winding corridors and slanty stairs to be able to save the place. It all burned to ashes.

That's the fallacy of "more love makes more love." There really are limits in a finite world. There are finite numbers of minutes and finite quantities of energy. One human interaction is not simply interchangeable for another. The striped wallpaper of human relatedness is not equivalent to the elephant shaped bathtub of human relatedness. It isn't all just a wash. We live in a world that is not "infinite." Our relational mathematics is much more often about the simple division of fractions than it is about the stratospheric theorizing of Georg Cantor. When it comes to splitting up the twenty-four hours of our days or the seven days of our weeks or the few fleeting open spaces of our weekends, most of us understand (as we did in kindergarten) that whole is more than half, and half is more than a quarter, and a quarter is way more than an eighth. Further, when we get pushed (arbitrarily) from a perfectly comfortable "room # 27" to a new, and maybe or maybe not so comfortable "room # 28" that is going to create relational disturbance as we pack up all our crap and scramble into the new space. Some folks will appreciate the "adventure" of that routine occasionally -- some won't.

The truth is that human beings fall in love and form relationships in mysterious ways. It isn't like checking into the local Marriott or Red Roof. Sometimes, I get into thinking that the way to make "poly" work easier is to simply go out and find "equivalent" partners. He gets one and I get one. But I'm not built that way. He wants and needs others. I don't. He feels deprived without all those "others." I don't. He wants us to have a family that includes all those infinite whoevers. I can't imagine why we need all the disruption.

But, I'm living here in the Relational version of The Hotel Infinity. The agreement is that when the announcement gets made, all there is to do is pack up the stuff and move on to the next space. Get over it, get on with it, get as comfortable as you can. It isn't personal. It is the way the math works.

That will be part of the work I'll be doing in these next weeks and months -- learning to just be OK with all of that. To find the place where that does not crank me into some sort of frenzy. I understand the intellectual, philosophical, theoretical part of it all. Now I just need someone to help me build the bridge to the other side of the chasm where I won't get wrapped up in my crazy feelings about it all. Then all the infinite others won't be able to make me nuts anymore.

So, there. A list is beginning to form. Things to do with the therapist person. Learn to substitute positive messages for negative ones. Learn to not give a crap about the perceived negative mathematical impacts of polyamory -- just make reactions sync up with the intellectual values. That should at least get us started.

swan

Love Our Lurkers (LOL) Day

OK.

I'll play.

Bonnie over at My Bottom Smarts has declared today to be "Love Our Lurkers" LOL Day. This is the official day when we, who write these pages all over the cyber universe, are banding together to invite all those who join us to "read" silently to stop for just a moment and say, "Hi."



I'm sure I'm like so many others -- I occasionally wonder about the "other 175" -- the ones who show up regularly in my stats but are not the dozen or so who I can identify because they leave me a comment now and then. I DO have a sort of wry affection for the shy ones in my reading family, I feel like I know them somehow, too... I just don't have anyway to think about them as individuals. Perhaps after today, a few will change that. The door is, as always, open...



Leave a comment, if you lurk. Join in the conversation. Celebrate LOL with us.



swan

Wispy Ideas

This is going to be complicated (I think). I am spending an awful lot of my thinking time trying to unravel the (to me, seemingly mysterious) questions and issues that are making me so "nutty" these days. If you are not particularly interested in mucking around in my mental meanderings and psychological wallowings, I'd suggest clicking off now and moving on to something more "juicy."

For those who are following the saga, I do have an appointment with a therapist on Monday evening. The person I / We found is male and "vanilla." I have sent him an introductory email that gives a broad, although brief, description of my lifestyle and circumstances, so he has some awareness going in of what my basic story is. I'll just have to take a deep breath and give this a fair shot.

Many of you have sent private emails offering encouragement and a variety of suggestions about finding "kink aware" or "kink friendly" professionals. I am most appreciative of everyone who has taken the time to reach out in friendship and concern. Thank you. We have already explored the "kink aware" option, and chosen to go this other route at this time. Let's just leave it at that.

Perhaps it is the fact that I've come to some acceptance of the necessity for doing this, but I am beginning to notice things about the way I think and perceive things and events that I believe are creating distress and frustration for me. I am, just now, beginning to notice patterns of thinking and reacting that I think have become habitual -- and in noticing them, I am not surprised that the messages that I am giving myself about myself are keeping me in a pretty constant state of turmoil, frustration, and anger.

In simple terms, I seem to have developed a pattern of thinking about myself that revolves around a series of assumptions that I am "bad," "wrong," "evil," etc. I have really not been aware of it in any conscious sense. Prior to this, I had really only identified an intensifying level of bitterness and anger over the whole idea and philosophy of "polyamory" even as I lived it. Now, while I have been aware of the paradoxical nature of that set of emotional reactions, I have not been able to logically talk my way out of the feelings. And so, everytime the topic of "poly" has come up in conversation, or on the news, or in some other context, I've felt myself tightening up, stiffening, bristling -- wanting to just stomp my feet, and declare the whole idea to be so much "bullshit." Of course, internally, all that raging was leaving me with the fundamental question of, "So where does that leave me?" Not a comfortable edge to be walking.

I have thought that I was mad about poly. Thought that I was mad because I was not poly and was IN a poly relationship, and so was a dreadful hypocrite; living a lie; yada, yada, yada... I think, though that isn't it at all. I think that what has happened to me has been a very insidious and powerful sort of communal brain washing/group think experience that has left me repeating a litany of negative self talk that is, almost literally, killing me.

Here's how I think this has maybe gone (and I may not have all of this exactly right -- I'm crazy remember, so cut me some slack):

It might be that the beginning of this is in my first recognition and acknowledgement of my own submissive nature. In allowing that part of myself to BE, I determined to drop the hard shell that had been my defensive shield throughout my whole life. To come into a place of giving over control and learning to allow someone to touch me in my most vulnerable places, I had to find a way to soften up and become more malleable, more pliant, more open. It didn't happen all at once, but over time, I have lost a lot of the sharp-tongued, cynical, sarcastic, caustic, fangy, defended psychic armor that saw me through most of my first 47 or 48 years. I'm way easier to "get to" nowadays -- for just about everyone.

What is getting through my armor is every barb that the world throws at the woman who doesn't toe the line in terms of the socially accepted morals and mores. I know that we have come to believe that all that sort of thing passed on in the aftermath of the countercultural revolutionary 1960's, but I know better. If you watch Oprah or read a little bit or listen to the news reports about polygamy trials and the like, you can get the flavor of it. If you live in the heart of the Midwest, as we do; right here on the edge of the Bible belt, as we do; in a state so red that even the Crayola boxes are missing the blue ones, as we do -- you would understand how really aghast the world is that a woman like me is allowed to exist and live as I do. I am one of those women who still cause decent people to raise their eyebrows and shake their heads in disbelief. I am one of those women who cause the married ladies of the world to hold on tightly to their husbands, lest I snatch them from their sides. I am one of those women who might do just about any sort of perverse or unnatural thing, so I bear careful watching.

Most of the world believes... thinks... says... that I am "BAD." It is simply impossible to live in this society, grow up in this culture, get raised in most pretty normal, average families here, and not absorb the models and messages and imprints that say that monogamy is THE WAY. No matter that it is false and faulty and facetious, the fantasy is sold everywhere, in every medium, through a thousand thousand different pulses of information every year of our lives until we cannot know from whence we learned it. White lace and promises...

And so... I catch myself doing it to myself now. For example: we went to a munch with some local kinksters last night. You would think that would be a safe and easy and accepting environment where we could feel at ease and comfortable and not have to be defended about who and what we are, and it was. Except that as we got to the restaraunt and sat down at the table and began to make introductions, Master explained to some people sitting near us that we were a poly triad; that T would be joining us a little bit later as soon as she got off work; that she was His wife; and that I had joined them about five years ago. I started to say, "I'm the other woman," but heard what that sounded like in my head, and stopped before I actually uttered the words. Still, I was stunned that the thought was there, in my mind, ready to come pouring out of my mouth. Clearly, I've absorbed the message of the culture; taken it deep into my psyche. Even when others do not look at me with negative judgement, I apply it to myself anyway.

I can't change the laws. I can't change the way society views marriage and family relatedness, and I can't make that all be fair. I can, however do something about the words I use to describe my own life, my own loves, my own self. I am not "bad." I am a good and worthy person, with a good heart and I don't deserve to hurt the way I've been hurting over all of this. I reject those judgements. I won't accept them from outside and I will surely not accept them from within. I am aware of the words I've been saying to myself now. I'm not sure how or when I got that set of messages going, or why. I am sure it needs to end. Right now. For good and all.

swan

Here's How This is Going to Work for Now...

I've not had a good sense of my own balance in these last months. That is the simple truth. What was once very clear and straightforward for me has seemed difficult and confusing and frustrating and painfully uncertain. Considering all that went into the decision to come to this point in my life, knowing how long I wandered without a clear sense of my "self" before I got to this life, that is not a good feeling. I do not want to go back to the way my life was before I chose this way. But I have not been "happy" lately, and that has put a strain on all of us.


When things first began to go this way, I believed that it was all tied to the recovery from the surgery and the hormonal issues related to that. I really assumed that, as I healed physically, my emotional state would right itself as well. Then it became clear that, in the surgical aftermath, I was never going to regain my full sexual functioning and responsiveness, and there was the long and frustrating (and mostly fruitless) medical saga related to trying to reverse that reality. I alternated from hope to hopelessness, with a fair measure of shame and feeling pretty well worthless as a woman thrown in for good measure. Under it all, and around it all, I seethed with anger over the circumstances that brought me to this point in the first place.



The whole business rocked me to my foundations. I felt like I'd suddenly awakened in a foreign place; in a world I no longer understood; in a body that didn't feel familiar -- nothing seemed to make any sense anymore. That has been scary. I've been scared for most of the last year and a half. Not all of the time, but a lot of the time. Scared in strange, nebulous, undefined, non-sensical ways. The assumptions and understandings and rationales that had informed my life have seemed not "solid" anymore and I have felt completely without moorings. That has been a construct of my own making and not something that anyone has done to me, but my inability to settle those sensations has made me difficult to live with or keep a handle on a good bit of the time. I have been emotionally volatile, angry, passive aggressive, weepy -- difficult.


Every now and then, the fog would lift and things would settle for just a bit; I'd have a sense that my feet were on some sort of solid ground, and I'd think that I was back on safe territory again... but it has just not lasted very long at a stretch, and I've come to not trust that sense of feeling "steady" anymore. I have wanted, deperately, to believe that I had the personal strength and character to simply beat this myself; that somehow intellect and awareness and intent would be enough to best this and get me through to the other side, but it is clear that I do not have the personal resources to do this without some sort of outside assistance. If I am going to get my life back the way I want it to be, I must find someone to help me walk the path that is ahead of me. I know that.



Still I am feeling terribly afraid of what that means, and horribly vulnerable and exposed. I think that those are feelings that almost anyone would have going into this, but it feels even more risky to me BECAUSE of my (and our) lifestyle. That may, perhaps, sound overly melodramatic. It isn't intended to seem that way. I think that if someone leads a basically mainstream, "vanilla" life, as does my long-time reader (and often angry commenter), Jack, it is very hard to comprehend the level of "outside-ness" that goes with living this lifestyle. If your life and lifestyle is just "assumed" to be right and reasonable and normal, then it is very difficult to have any sense of what it is like to live a life that is simply "assumed" to be wrong and unreasonable and absolutely NOT normal. There may be (probably are) some communities here and there where the general atmosphere is more open and more accepting, but that is not Cincinnati. This is one of the least tolerant, most conservative, right-wing fundamentalist, close-minded places one might imagine. If I were not kinky; if I were merely liberal and free-thinking and unconventional and inclined to question authority and do things in ways that others might not find "usual," I'd be nervous about putting myself in the hands of a home-grown, Cincinnati born-and-bred counsellor or therapist. That midwestern, parochial mindset would make me feel very nervous and uncomfortable -- if that were all there were to get past in the initial interview. AND I am kinky. Alternative. BDSM. Poly... So the first bit of talking is likely to be "interesting" at best. At worst. At least. Gulp.

So. Yeah. I'm choosing. Picking and choosing. Eliminating the blatantly, overtly Christian folks based purely on the fact that they are "trumpeting" that aspect of their perspective. It might be that they are wonderful and tolerant and open and non-judgemental and talented and perceptive and just everything that I need to help me find my way, but I just don't think the odds are very good. I suspect that the likelihood is far greater that when I lay out the story of my life and lifestyle that there will be raised eyebrows and shocked looks and subtle or maybe not so subtle moves to dissuade me from the choices I've made about my life. Some people may think that might be a good thing. I know those folks are out there, and I know some of them are not as lacking in subtlety as Jack. They think what they think and just don't say anything. Oh well. I spent years and decades learning to make my peace with this part of who I am -- learning to understand the kinky drives that drive me. I like that part of me (mostly). I value that part of me. I will not knowingly put myself in the position of having to defend that part of myself to someone in exchange for help sorting out what needs sorting.

I am going to find someone to walk the path with me to some kind of calm with where I am in my life. I believe there is that place and I believe there is that person. I do not believe that I have to deny my own self to have that occur. I am glad for any and all support that friends are willing to offer. Those of you who have sent emails, made phone calls, offered words of encouragement, prayed, chanted, burned incense, danced, sang, meditated, had a drink for me and us... whatever it is that you belive will bring healing and wellness and energy and power into the work of balancing my life -- know that I am grateful and glad for all of it; I will take all the help I can get. If, however, you are feeling the need to beat up on me or on us; if you are wanting to berate or judge or just plain bully one or the other of us, be warned, I am not feeling constrained to play nice these days -- if you give me reason to feel hurt about how you are appoaching me just now, I will not consider you a friend. I haven't the energy to accommodate those who have nothing positive to offer.

swan

How Do They Know?

That is the daily stat chart for The Heron Clan. Nevermind that they are the sort of pitiful numbers that would put some "star" quality bloggers to shame. They are our numbers and that is just the way they are. What is interesting about it is that little stretch there in the middle where, for a few days, our hits jump up into the 200's. Those are the first few days after the "Flogging Frame" post went up with its few embedded pictures of my whipped butt. There isn't anything much about that post that will key anyone that it is inherently "sexy" or "hot." The pictures are not really the primary reason for the post to exist, and the text doesn't bring you into the thing if you are searching for most of the usual keywords that typically would clue people that there's something overtly "pornographic" about the piece. It sure as heck didn't garner anything outrageous by way of comments.

So, I don't get it. How do all these people know to come and look? Is there some sort of underground telegraph-style, cyberspace version of smoke-signals that passes the word that there are naked butt pictures at such and such a site? How do they find out? Word obviously gets around and people obviously are "in the loop." To me it is a great, deep mystery. I can see the numbers, but I can't figure out the mechanism. And... since I tend to lie awake at night and stare at the ceiling these days, this one just bugs the crap out of me... Someone explain it to me, please. How do the perverts of the world find out when my butt goes on display?

swan

Treacherous Territory

I am thrashing my way through what feels to me like some sort of dark jungle of tangled brush and undergrowth as I push toward the resumption of formal counseling / psychotherapy with a view toward getting some kind of reasonable handle on my mental health symptoms (whether we are going to label whatever this is "depression" or something else).

I find the whole idea of DOING therapy to be horribly intimidating and difficult to contemplate, so just making the first move to initiate that is like walking to the edge of a high cliff and jumping off into empty space. I think I must have made at least a dozen abortive moves toward making the necessary decision that would allow me to pick up the phone and call for an appointment since the "episode" happened a couple of weeks ago. The fact that the first try at counseling last winter was not especially satisfactory doesn't add to my comfort level. And THAT was with a (nominally) "kink aware" practitioner, so there was the benefit of not needing to clear that whole lifestyle hurdle right up front before I could do anything else. I sort of thought that having someone who was at least "aware" would make things easier, but as it turned out, it didn't turn out to feel that way in the event. I ended up feeling as if my therapist was making assumptions and judgements based on my lifestyle role, and it was, in some ways more difficult to deal with (I think) than it might have been with a "vanilla" person who had no expectations for my "role" based behaviors.

And the guy didn't accept any insurance, so every dime was out of my pocket, which made me crazy -- as if I needed anything else to make me crazy!

But, I did finally manage to talk myself through the panic that seemed to grip me everytime I confronted the need to make an appointment, and on Tuesday or Wednesday this last week, I managed to find a therapist with an office near my home who would accept my insurance. The person in the office that I spoke with seemed friendly and helpful, so I went ahead and made an appointment for October 17.

I called to let Him know. He was glad I'd made an appointment, but not altogether happy with my choice of provider. I didn't feel like I'd actually "chosen." I'd simply picked someone from the list provided by my insurer. He'd wanted me to work with a large counseling center near the house, and was not at all mollified by my explanation that the provider that He'd suggested was not on the "list" of approved therapists at the insurance company website where I had gone to try and find someone to see. It ended up being a long and less than happy evening. In the end, He left it at, "you've made the appointment without My input, maybe it will be just fine..."

Then, I got the "New Patient Packet" in the mail with all the forms and releases to sign and fill out. When I opened it up and took a look, the very first thing I saw was the logo at the top -- the "image" that the office that I'd made an appointment with was using on their letterhead. Accompanied by the quote: "a bruised reed He will not break," which (in spite of my limited "heathenish" knowledge) I was quite sure was Biblical in origin. A cursory Internet seach revealed the accuracy of my suspicion. That piece comes from the old testament, from Isaiah, and is widely interpreted to refer to God's mercy and justice.

My stomach just twisted into knots. Turned inside out. I'd already worked myself around the notion of talking through all of the ins and outs of my life with a regular, old, garden-variety, "vanilla" therapist -- hoping that their professional training will take them past any socially ingrained biases related to BDSM or polyamory or M/s. But, I wasn't at all prepared for the extra level of prejudice that I am certain would accompany a Christo-centric worldview.

So, come Monday, I will be cancelling that October 17 appointment. Today, I've done some more serious research into who is in the area here, and I think maybe, I've/We've found someone who might work for this. At least she seems potentially open enough to at least consider the possibility that I'm not evil at the outset. I've sent off an email giving her the barest outline of what's up with me, and I'll see what sort of response I get back. If I don't hear in a couple or three days, I'll try her by phone.

Meanwhile, I am sometimes sort of steady. And then there are those other times.

swan