Communication -- Again or Still or ...

It is the single most frequently offered piece of advice in the lifestyle: communicate, communicate, communicate. All of us know and understand how essential it is to really be open, honest, transparent within our power relationships.

It seems easy enough, but it turns out, at least for me (and therefore us), that it is pretty complicated -- on a whole lot of levels.

I communicate for a living. I know all kinds of patterns and methods for getting information communicated effectively, and for making sure that I understand that the "communication" has really happened. It isn't that I don't know HOW to do it in that situation. But, put me into "slave" mode, and I seem to struggle mightily to figure out what to communicate, and how to communicate it.

He and I ran into a major problem with this issue again last weekend. It really does seem perennial for us. We seem to work this problem periodically, sort things out, adjust and tweak the way we handle how we convey information to one another -- and then smash right into it again in a matter of weeks or months.

It really does seem to be our greatest single point of conflict and frustration with one another. We both often end up feeling like we are at cross purposes, not being heard, discounted... It is not a recipe for happy relating on any level.

So, I've begun to wonder what it is that I might identify, in terms of communication, that could be fixed or changed to make things go more smoothly. It just doesn't seem to me that the admonishment to "communicate" is all that helpful. I am researching causes of communication "block," and hoping to find resolutions. One of the first places I found that offered really extensive and powerful information is here.

Starting with a definition of "communication:"
Any perceived behavior that causes a “significant” mental, emotional, physical, or
spiritual effect on another person is “communication.”

Well, alright then! I like that definition. A lot. Because, I think that we too often come to believe that we are communicating only in ways that are conscious and intentional -- speaking or writing, mostly. One of the places that I think our communication gets "complicated" and even sort of foggy, is that I pick up on (or imagine that I am picking up on) things that He does NOT say. I won't try and hang it on the power dynamic, but the reality is that I watch and listen very carefully with Him. Every gesture, every facial tic, every nuance of inflection -- all of these convey meaning. The way He moves, sits, stands, and sleeps, all speak to me just as loudly as if He were delivering a prepared oration. That's probably good, to some degree, but it can also mean that I am interpreting things that aren't actually intended (because I am just like that).

So, part of the difficulty seems to me to be that I need to get better or clearer about the "intentional" part of the communication. I need to catch myself and take notice of when I am interpreting and reacting to what was ACTUALLY said, and differentiate that from all the other non-intentional "noise" that I get hold of. I really think that I don't keep track of which is which, and that can confuse me, and then, Him.

Back to my little, handy dandy, communication website -- I discovered this list of six personal needs that are the "aim" of all intentional communication. It seems that, when it comes down to it, we talk to each other for a very limited set of reasons. We want to --

• gain or keep respect



• give or get information



• vent (release thoughts and feelings, and be accepted)



• cause change (reduce discomfort or gain pleasure)



• cause or maintain excitement



• avoid significant discomforts.

As I try to work my way down through that list, I think that I tend to communicate with Him from all those needs.

It may seem odd that part of what I want is to "gain or keep respect." After all, in our sort of power dynamic, the issue of respect might seem to be a pretty much one way street. At the very least, it seems to me that it technically gets defined as "within His purview" to set the parameters for that with regard to me. Still, I'm human, and I do have a pretty intense sense of self-worth. I can and do get my back up when I get the impression that I am being "discounted" in some significant fashion. Even as I serve and submit, I find that I need to know that it all matters to Him -- that He notices and values me and what I do for Him. When that doesn't come through to me; when I start to feel like I am just a stand-in for something or someone else -- or when I get convinced that He really is beginning to believe that I have NO VALUE; I can get into a communication mode that is neither attractive, or particularly helpful. Maybe, if I live another 50 years, I'll get the "it doesn't matter to me as long as He is happy" thing down that is appropriate to a "good" slave, but I'm sure it will take me at least that long.

As far as trying to get or give information, that seems pretty basic, but it isn't as simple as it may seem. I really do try to keep Him up on all the important details that He needs to know about me and about our lives together. But I filter. I do. I sift and sort and measure His levels of stress -- and then I choose what to communicate. Often, I make a decision that a particular need or want can be put off or denied rather than add to His levels of stress and exhaustion. Part of me wonders if that is an OK choice/decision for me to make -- ever. On the other hand, I believe that caring for Him is a primary purpose for my life, and He simply doesn't need all of the stuff that goes down in our world loaded on His shoulders. So, sometimes I am communicating to "not give" information.

On the other hand, I think I probably don't do a very good job of communicating to "get" information. I WANT information, and I need information from Him in order to feel safe and secure and stable and all of that. If He chooses to give me the sort of information that keeps me feeling like I'm "in the loop" in His life, then things can go along pretty well most of the time. But He can and does choose to not always pass on information. There are times when I am "out of the loop" precisely because He has kept me there. Given that I'm like a bat, homing in on His every move and hanging on His every word, all that does is set me into obssessive imagining mode. I begin, when that happens, to imagine things and make up explanations for what I can see. How much better it would probably be if I'd just learn to say something gentle and quiet like, "I have the feeling that there is _________________ happening, and I am worried or concerned or frightened or whatever..." I imagine that would, possibly, work to get me a good bit more information than I get by simply waiting and stewing about things.

When I get into "vent" mode, things can get dicey. At the point where I feel like my wants and needs and feelings are just not being handled with any sort of attentiveness, I sometimes lose it and get stomping angry and insistent. That does not go well, as you might imagine. So, of all the communication "reasons," venting is probably the one that I probably ought to curtail to some large degree.

The notion of communicating to "cause change" is, maybe, the most interesting of all of these. As I think about it, when I am in this mode, it really is frequently a sideways attempt to control things. I want to have life arranged in some way that makes me more comfortable and less anxious -- my instinct to try and reduce discomfort is largely oriented toward the emotional and psychological side. I am always stunned when I catch myself doing this. It is in total opposition to the choices that I've made, and the relational dynamic that I say I want. If I were being consistent with my stated path, I'd never, ever go there. Of course, I have already admitted, that I am not "that kind of submissive."

The other two purposes for intentional communication tend to run at cross purposes in my life. When there is the intent to cause or maintain excitement, it is almost a certainty that I'm going to be subjected to significant discomfort. If I am into avoiding that discomfort, it is likely that life is going to get a whole lot less exciting. So, it is a pretty good bet that I am going to get hung up between these two modes on a regular basis. I've regained a significant part of the inclination to happily engage with the sadomasochistic part of my relationship, but I am still often frightened about actually going there. I just am not all that sure of myself yet. This part, I believe can get better, as it has been doing, with time.

There is so much more to think about in regard to the level of communication that I engage in with Him. My newfound resource for this topic has lots and lots and lots of information. I am likely to spend a lot more time there, and perhaps here, talking about what I come to understand on this subject.

swan

Snow

Sometimes, there is really not a lot to say except -- "wow!"

We don't get a lot of snow here in Cincinnati. We are too far south, and our weather patterns are impacted in a wide variety of ways by the geography of the Ohio River Valley.

When it snows here, the children dance for pure joy. An inch of two of snow closes the city, and all the schools cancel classes.

Unlike many places, we are more likely to get "ice storms" than snow storms. It is not at all uncommon to have some combination of light snow, freezing rain, and full on ice storms. That freezing rain thing makes it treacherous to travel, but it creates amzing ice crystal decorations out of every tree and plant. It is lovely when it comes together just so.

We just had a few days of just exactly that sort of weather pattern. Yesterday afternoon, as the sun began to come through the clouds, all that ice began to glitter, and it took on an almost magical beauty. As I sat, on the edge of the bed, looking out the window, transfixed by the moment, He "suggested" that I get out and take some pictures.

The camera really doesn't do it justice, but this is the snowy day view from our patio...

I actually tromped on down by the pond, to try and get a closeup of the glittery tree, but the camera battery did not want to play nice. Of course, I left footprints in the ice and snow going to and from the pond.

This morning, as He wandered back and forth between the two condos, He noticed that SOMEONE had walked all the way from the path by the pond, up to our patios, and back out to the path... Scary to comtemplate the possibilities. Who do you suppose might be sneaking up on us, in the middle of the night, while we sleep? Hmmmmm?

swan

New vs. Newbie

An earlier post/rant of Swan's got me to thinking.....Why is it that everyone who is "NEW" to a group is automatically treated as a "NEWBIE"? I am a pretty self-assured person, yet when we go to BDSM functions, I don't put myself out there as "Old Guard". As Tom has mentioned, I have been in the scene for about 18 years, yet I don't feel the need to toss that around. I still like to think that I am learning and growing in my position. BUT I absolutely HATE when I go to functions and am treated like an idiot. We go to a couple of weekend events a year that have classes and dungeon time, and invariably all of the classes are setup for people who have little or no basic knowledge of BDSM/Polyamory. I get into one of these classes, the person giving the class will pass out the class schedule and then they will READ the schedule to us.....and that was the class! DUH! Could have done that at home in my comfy sweats on the 'puter, dip-shit! When will they ever learn that there are plenty of us that have interests that FAR exceed "SM101" and don't EVEN get me started on the "Celebrity Auctions for Charity"!!!!

Then we go to the dungeon, and I spend the evening playing Dungeon Mistress for Tom and Swan so the Dungeon Monitors keep out of their play-space! I have to talk to the DMs, explaining that they play High End and there WILL be knives involved. I have to force back the crowd as they press in to watch the play, because the DM's don't do their jobs. And these same DM's are the ones who "presume" that we have to attend their special screening classes prior to joining their precious club? They cannot even control a dungeon, where most people control themselves, how are they EVER going to protect the "poor defensless subbies" from the "big bad evil preditors" who lurk at every turn? Pardon me while I puke!

I have been to 3 PEER events. One at a bar. One at a farm. One at a restaurant. Each was "interesting" in it's own right, but the farm one, especially so. Sort of a cross between "Apocalypse Now" meets "Green Acres", if you can picture it. As a greeting, I was told I could use the facilities inside the outhouse to pee only. If I had to do anything else, I was to go into the woods. Well, OK, then... And way back in the woods was where the play space was. When I saw they were breaking out the "OFF" because the mosquitos were so bad, I mentioned that I was very allergic to "OFF". They laughed and sprayed me anyway...... I left, barely able to drive home with my eyes almost swollen closed...... Delightful people.

I was not aware that Swan had contacted PEER for possible membership. I am glad she is NOT going there. Frankly, these people deserve each other....At the farm....doing goodness knows what......back in the woods...... with that critter on the 50 gallon rubber drum.... pounding a rhythm, only HE knows .... while everyone else craps behind trees.

Deeeeelightful

T

How Can I be of Service?

There are lots of things that I once imagined would be part of the service that I'd offer as a submissive or a slave. That was long, long ago -- well before there was ever any inkling that I'd ever have anyone to actually be with me in the lifestyle... I am willing to bet that almost everyone who ever fantasizes about this stuff dreams pretty much the same dreams in the beginning; before the beginning...

But then there is the reality of course. The kinds of things that we REALLY do when we are "in service."

Most recently, He found a great deal on a piece of exercise equipment that He's wanted to buy for years. It is a machine that He had years ago -- wore it out. He's wanted to replace it ever since.

The advertisement at the site where He bought it said, "Some assembly required." Can you see this one coming?

He made the order. It shipped without incident and arrived in a matter of days. In a great big old box -- in what looked like a gazillion pieces. Some assembly required...

When things say "some assembly required," that translates as either T or I spend time with tools. This one claimed that the only tools needed were TWO adujstable wrenches. Also helpful, but not "required" would be a rubber mallet. Assembly, according to the directions, is easiest with two people. Sometimes, I feel like I should be two people, but I'm really just one... Oh well.

AND -- the other necessary element in this "assembly required" business is that assembling things with Him in the place is a recipe for utter and complete insanity. So it was necessary to find a space of time where Himself was absent (read "out of my hair").

So, today, on what is our Presidents' Day holiday, as He and His father were off to collect Mom's ashes, I went to work on the HealthRider.

Significant spitting, hissing, grunting, groaning, and muttering ensued, but tonight He has His HealthRider. Damn! This service thing is sexy, don't you think?

swan

Horse Shit

I am about to rant. I am going to put on my metaphorical boots, and stomp the local BDSM group into the dirt. If you don't want to know about it, I'd suggest that you look elsewhere for now.

I've come to a place where I am am sort of convinced that there is only so far I can go in working my way through my fears and worries and imaginings about what lies ahead without someone who understands it all to talk with. I edit much of I write here so that I don't rock the boat or cause difficulties or consternation. I have no one that I know that lives anywhere within a reasonable distance who lives this lifestyle that I can just talk to about the things that I continually mash up against. It is awfully difficult, for me at least, to do this all by myself.

So, I thought that I'd try and make contact with the local BDSM group -- PEER. We've made moves to connect there in the past, but never really found it a good match. I guess I was feeling desperate, and so I convinced myself that perhaps there might be a submissives sub-group of the organization, and that I could maybe find a connection there, and find the support that I've been looking for.

I sent an email, asking for information about how to do that, and here's what I got back:


i am delighted that you are interested in PEER. We do have a submissive's group that meets once a month for dinner. The location varies. You do have to be a PEER member to attend, but since you have been to a munch (which is a requirement before joining), i would be glad to ask if you could fill out your application at the dinner, if that would interest you.

Membership is $40 per year for the first year and $30 per year thereafter. There is also a requirement to attendt 2 newcomers sessions that are roughly 2 hours each and are held on Sunday afternoons before the monthly meeting.

Well, I have been around the lifestyle for "awhile." I am not a "newcomer," except in the sense that I am not part of this group. I don't need to be "educated" about a whole lot of lifestyle basics. I need some other people, who really do this, that I can talk to about my world. I can't do that at work you know!

So, I wrote back, politely I thought, declining to jump through all the prescribed hoops:

Thank you for taking time to respond to me. I do appreciate it. Honestly, I am needing and wanting contact with others who are living as submissives and slaves. I am NOT interested in a whole lot of "secret handshake" nonsense in order to achieve that. So all of this attend two "newcomers" meetings and fill out applications show up to a munch and on and on and on, is just irritating and annoying and convinces me once again that, whatever I feel I need and want, the PEER organization is not a place for me to get that.

I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe just wishing that this group of people had somehow gotten beyond all of that. My bad.

With that, I thanked my respondent, and figured that would be the end of it. Wrong. Next I get this little missive back...

There is no other submissive's group in this area that i know of.

i am sorry you feel as you do about PEER. i think it has changed. The newcomers orientations are to let new members know about the group, as well as to let those that are new to the lifestyle know a little about safety, etc. Since PEER has an educational mission, we get many people who know little about the lifestyle. Particularly for submissives, that can be a dangerous situation.

We only allow members to attend the submissives group for the group's protection. We do not want predators showing up.

The membership application, fee, etc. allow PEER to do what it does, and is really very nominal. After the initial procedures there is little that needs to be done to remain a member.

It really is a good group - the only one i know in the area that is truly dedicated to the lifestyle. i hope you will reconsider.

Well. What a lot of happy horse shit!

Let's just take all of that pablum for the mind down to basics and see if we can talk to each other like adults, shall we?

First of all, let me be clear; I understand that this is a private group. As such, they can put into place whatever requirements for membership that they feel are appropriate, necessary, or just pro forma because they want them. None of it has to be sensible or reasonable. I don't have a problem paying their annual dues either, because after all, these kinds of endeavors take effort, energy, and resources to keep them afloat. Fair enough.

Where I have trouble with this bunch, and this (all too prevalent) approach to "membership" in BDSM lifestyle groups is this: If you want to keep your little club exclusive and closed, so that you do not have to ever associate with anyone that you are not sure will be "controllable" within your domain, so be it -- but call it what it really is.

This in NOT about education. Education is something that you offer, especially to adults, who want it and need it. It is not something that you force down people's throats as a prescriptive. This notion that a local BDSM group might have some new people walk through the door without a full range of information about the lifestyle; and that that circumstance requires that every new face must be treated like a fucking idiot, is just a convenient way to filter and sort.

Further, the very idea that it is especially vital to educate submissives because being a new (uneducated by the group) submissive is a "dangerous situation," is so patronizing that it makes me want to scream. The condition of being self-identified as "submissive" does not render a person incompetent, stupid, incapable of making judgements, or functionally equivalent to a six-year-old child. Being in lust and horny as hell may create that set of mental impairments, but I doubt that it is a situation that occurs only within the lifestyle. I don't frequent singles bars or similar venues, but I'm betting that if I did, I could find some quotient of horny bimbos making stupid choices that might, possibly, put them into danger. As far as I know, there is no required course of education that all horny bimbos must complete before being allowed to get slobbering drunk and choosing to go home with the first hunky dude that smiles seductively at them. So what's our thing with "protecting" submissives?

As long as I've been in the lifestyle, I've never found it difficult in public venues to identify, pretty much on sight, those who are really new, and to distinguish them from the folks that have a little more time under their belts. Let's face it, a newbie LOOKS new. So, it wouldn't be hard, in any lifestyle group that was worth a damn, to pick that person out, and say something reasonable like, "Hello. You're new around here. Is there anything at all that we can do to help you, or any questions that we can answer? If you think of anything you need, this person right here, is ready and willing and able to help you. Just ask." DUH!

Then, of course, there is the whole thing of keeping submissive group gatherings private. Wouldn't want predators to infiltrate the place and snatch up a handful of the poor dears and dash off into the night with them. Are you kidding me? Predators? Don't these things happen in public settings -- restaurants and the like. We're not meeting in some back alley with a picnic lunch are we? Just who, exactly, is it that we are so gosh darned worried about? I don't know very many of my submissive friends who haven't had plenty of experience dealing with the low-lifes of the scene... telling a creep to get lost is just not that difficult. If you don't know how to do that, you probably aren't going to learn how to do it in a two-hour orientation meeting.

I can understand that there might, legitimately, be a concern for privacy and confidentiality. That's why people use "scene names." Explain to people about confidentiality and the how's and why's . Treat adults like adults, regardless of their sexual/erotic orientation.

I can understand that there might be a perceived need to have a submissives' group meeting out of the sight of the "Dominants" of the community, but I'd think we would be able to identify the known Dominants and figure out a way to deal with them -- assuming they did decide to infiltrate a meeting and spend time listening to a bunch of submissives kvetch.

If I were wanting to attend a play party, especially a party that were being held in someone's private home, I'd understand that there might be a period of time during which that might not be an option until people got to know who I was. That is simply the reality that comes from the business of being invited into people's private spaces. That is different than being able to join in and participate, socially and informationally, with a group of people that share a lifestyle orientation.

It is all about power. It is a junior high school model for making sure that it is clear who is "in" and who is "not in." Our social interactions are our best vehicle for expanding our presence and improving our standing in our society. As long as we insist that we cannot even sit down to dinner with one another without some vetting process that rivals getting a National Security Clearance, we are going to continue to live in isolation and suspicion. What a huge and unnecessary pity that is.

swan

Polyamory Theory

Some of the very best, brightest, most illuminated writing about polyamory is being done by pepomint at Freaksexual. In the last few days, she's put up a lengthy and amazing piece on the connection between love and sex in polyamory relationships. It is a very deep, challenging, and comprehensive exploration -- far better than anything I've ever read on the subject. There's a lot there to contemplate and digest, but here's a bit of material (extremely condensed and cut down from the original) that I think we too often try to soft pedal, duck, or just not address in talking about what polyamory is all about:

...it is clear that love is strongly associated with relationships... our culture separates out sex and love and treats them differently, love much more positively than sex...Sex is not necessarily the most important part of love, but the presence of or potential for sex is a mandatory requirement for love...the connection between love and sex is an “A is not B, but A requires B” relationship...relationships definitely require love...we find that relationships also require sex.

There are people who contemplate the beginnings of polyamory. Those people quite often read the tiny bit of published material and envision some sort of beast that can be defined by rules and agreements and tidy little arrangements. I remember one friend, beginning the journey into polyamory, who created an elaborate set of "rules" with her partner about what was and was not OK as they began to form new connections. In the first year or so of their poly-ness, they spent enormous amounts of energy dealing with the continual fallout from broken "rules." Another "correspondent" that I had a few exchanges with, was all wound up because she and her partner had agreements that defined exactly what and how much "sex" and "emotional" involvement with "others" was acceptable in their poly relating. Of course, in the actual event, it didn't go that way at all, and she was completely devastated. She'd read all the stuff about honesty and full disclosure and working things out together, and just couldn't understand "where they had gone so wrong." Oh good grief!

The simple reality (or maybe not so simple), that those of us who are doing and talking about poly ought to be clearer about is this: People forming relationships will, in spite of intention or agreement or rules, sometimes without any planning on any side, perhaps fall in love and respond to one another sexually. That may or may not be something that partners anticipate and discuss in so many words, but it really doesn't matter. It is the nature of the beast. We can keep on talking about the "niceties" that are our stock in trade -- the things that make us seem a little more socially acceptable (maybe), but we ought not keep on peddling bullshit among ourselves and to those who are trying to learn from us.

One more lesson. More about control and not control. I know that I tend to hold the edges pretty close, and that beyond the edges are fearful places for me. Many say that jealousy is about fear. That might be. Sometimes fear is just fear. Whatever. The truth is that there is no way to control things once you embark on a relational dynamic that opens the door for other relationships. Give it up.

swan

Control and Submission

In 1996, John Travolta starred in a light-hearted, funny little film called "Michael." He played a cigarette smoking, cookie-sniffing, sugar-eating, bull-charging, womanizing, slob of an angel with an awfully big heart. The film irritated the heck out of some folks. Others called it "Capra-esque." There was a tag-line of sorts that proclaimed that "He's an angel; not a saint." I remember there was one point in the movie where Michael was engaged in some remarkably un-angel-like behavior. When this was pointed out to him, he simply declared that he wasn't THAT kind of angel.

So, what's the point? Well, like Michael, I embody a "type" that people believe they recognize. I self-identify as submissive and slave within the BDSM lifestyle community, and most people who are reasonably conversant with the "in" vocabulary understand what that language implies. I've been at this long enough to have read probably millions upon millions of words about "true" submission, the submissive personality, submissive nature, and all the rest. I've known (on-line and in person) a fair number of people who lay claim to the submissive label, some of whom have lots more "experience" in the lifestyle than I do. There are plenty of people who are way more accomplished and graceful at this "submission" business than I am -- or likely ever will be. When it comes right down to it, I am sorely tempted to go right to a variation of that movie line: "I'm not THAT kind of submissive."

Because. I'm a controller. By my nature, and by lifelong habit. It is my inclination and instinctive response to move to assume control in any situation where it is possible for me to do that. If control is within my grasp, or if it is placed within my grasp, I will take it. It isn't always good for me to do that, but if no one else has hold of the reins, I will pick them up and hold onto them for all I'm worth. And not just hold on, but actively drive the whole contraption.

I'm better off, emotionally, physically, sexually, spiritually when I can submit to someone that I can trust to take the control and allow me to let it go. It isn't good for me to orchestrate absolutely everything in the world around me. I've done it and I know what it costs me. That doesn't change the nature that lives inside my psyche.

Submission is something that I do. It is a practice that I undertake; a personal discipline that leads me into a condition of internal peacefulness, calmness, and emotional wellness. It brings me to my center, and, when I manage to find my way into some kind of balance point with it, it fulfills me as a sexually vibrant, healthy, free and happy woman.

It is finding that balance point that is the trick for me -- because I tend to analyze, and mutter away inside my head, and ascribe motivations where none exist. I watch every move and every facial expression and every gesture, and I "read" great meanings into it all. I hear every nuance of voice and expression, and believe I perceive entire unspoken (mental or subvocalized) conversations that really never happened. Simultaneously, I miss things that get said "in passing, " or perhaps even directly, because I'm caught up in my own internal script. I wonder about what I do not know or understand -- actually, I may even verge on the obssessive edge of that by times.

I want to be all the things that I know, logically and intellectually, I SHOULD be as a submissive and a slave. I really do strive for perfect obedience, and perfect calm, and perfect patience, and perfect trust, and all the rest. I understand that He owns me, and that I DO NOT own Him -- so I "get" that I am without anyplace to stand when the voices begin to push me to the place where I plot and plan to get what I sometimes believe I want from Him, or even (more insidious in some ways) just unconsciously behave in ways that passively move the dynamic in directions that I define. I am a "piece of work." Still. Even after all this time. It makes me wonder about people who lay claim to years of lifestyle experience (and therefore expertise), because I've got years, and I continue to fall far short of any sort of reasonable mark or level of achievement or expertise...

I am lucky. I belong to One who is completely comfortable in His own skin, and utterly sure of who He is. For Him, the question of who is in control within our dynamic doesn't come up at all. He knows the answer. He doesn't invest a lot of effort or energy into "controlling" me. I think, by now, that He understands that I do this wild gyrating spin every now and then. When I get too far out of bounds for His taste, He tightens things back up and puts me back where He thinks I belong. It isn't something that makes Him particularly "happy," but it also doesn't present Him with huge angst or emotional issues either. He seems to tackle it as some sort of needed, routine maintanance; like changing the oil in the car...

He's begun to talk in ways that indicate that we are probably coming into that kind of cycle here. I know enough to know what that will mean (in general terms). Almost certainly (as life settles a bit), there will be more intense, higher end SM play -- and most certainly that will be styled in ways that He enjoys. Other subtle and perhaps not so subtle shifts in our daily lives may show up as well. I expect there will be far less effort or attention invested in doing things that are aimed at "making me happy," because, as He has noted, "That doesn't really seem to work for us anyway." There's just a hint of exasperation and accusation in that comment. Really, though, I think it is mostly Him talking to Himself about what He sees and what He will be doing about it all.

I feel open and fearful and eager and quiet and focused and somehow calmer than I've been for a very long time. I am aware of the heaviness that I've been carrying around with me, and of the promise of being able to lay it down soon.

It isn't time yet. We are still working on recovering and grieving. The pace of our lives has dropped into an odd timeless place where everything is driven by the subtle and not so subtle ebbing and flowing of grief. That has its own schedule. There is really no way to predict what it will be from day to day. No way for any of us to control that.

Waiting. Breathing. Being in place to serve as needed for now.

swan

Just a Week Ago...

It was a week ago; before our lives took such a turn, and before all of our attention and energy and emotion became (rightly) invested in helping Master's mother through her last few days.


I had a short break in my teaching schedule, and so I stopped to check my email. There I found this short message from Him:

I want to spank you. I want to spank you thorougly. I want to blister you. I am having trouble thinking about much else. It would be good if that lead to successful sex.....or if not....that's OK too.

I love you so much and I want you.

Mine always and all ways...

End of rational thought. End of focus on the teaching that was planned for that day. End of my ability to be coherent about geometry, or the nature of cell biology, or the rise and spread of Islam and how that might have fed into the Crusades... That sort of email wrecks the ability to concentrate.

My stomach did that funny little flip thing and I could feel the heat begin to rise in my loins. My breath caught, and all I truly wanted was to pack up my things and head straight home... At 9:45 in the morning. Surely my children would all just talk quietly among themselves? Yes?

No chance.

But I soared through the day, breathless and eager to get home to Him. The pure simple knowledge that He wanted me was tonic for my spirit... Because we have struggled so, and it has not been easy between us. I KNOW that He loves me. That much is not in doubt, but in the dark corners of my mind, I can begin to worry and wonder if He still wants me.

That little "date" did not happen. Life took a difficult turn. Life is like that. We do what we always do, and hold each other, and care for each other, and behave like adults. The "playful" bits of our life must sometimes be put on hold for another time. Of course.

Still, I will hold onto that email from a week ago, and know for a certainty what it meant and what it means.

swan

And not gone...

He didn't sleep much last night. He wasn't terribly sad or unhappy or grief stricken, but He was simply awake at about 2:15 this morning.

Overnight, we had what, for Cincinnati, constitutes a significant snowfall, and at 5:39 this morning, my phone rang with the news that school was cancelled for today. What a wonderful gift. With the window coverings opened, and His head cradled on my stomach, we laid together in the early morning darkness, watching the storm, while I gently scratched His back.

In the quietness, slowly, I began to be aware of a sparkling blinking in and out of my vision in the corners of the room, up near the ceiling. I watched it come and go, winking in and out, glimmering in the early morning dark. When it became clear that the phenomenon was actually really there, I whispered to Him, "We have a sparkly."

"What?" He asked.

"A sparkly," I replied. "We have a sparkly. I think it is your Mother."

That brought tears, and then wonderment, and then a quiet, joyful, awe-struck conversation with our blinking sparkly. Of course, the firebrand that was His mother WOULD manifest as a sparkly. How delightful!

Eventually, as the morning lightened, the sparkly faded from view, but it was a wonderful way to start our day.

swan

She Is Gone....

If you have been following, you know what our weekend has been like. We have spent every waking moment at the bedside of Tom's dying Mother and bolstering his aging Father. Tom and I left her this morning at 1 am and she was resting in a drug-induced fog. Oblivious to all.

This morning Swan had to go back to her kiddos and teach. HE shoved her off at "O-dark-thirty". That is what Swan calls it. I call it "The butt-crack of dawn". HE read his email, gathered Himself to go to work. I was off today, and prepared to do battle with the Sears Repair Weasel. Our ancient washer croaked on Tom's Mom's last load of laundry on Saturday..... somehow fitting, we think. So I was waiting for the repair to be done. Tom was going to go peek in on Mom on his way to his first meeting....and he never left her. She was failing. She was worse. He wanted to know if the "Weasels" had arrived yet (they hadn't). He said he would call me back. And in about 10 minutes the phone rang and it was Swan checking in. I told her the deal and she said "I will get this place covered. I am on my way home. Where do you need me?" So she got a sub. and came to wait for the Sears Weasel. And I ran and got Tom's Dad and gently dragged him from his lunch with the "boys" (90 years + they were, too!). I got him there, as Swan arrived (Weasels were done and it was a simple repair) and she met us at the car. She walked him in and I parked. We all got to the room together, Dad sat beside his beloved wife, took her hand "I'm here, B---. I love you very much." And with that, she took her last breath.

I told you she was strong. I told you she was fiesty. She was just waiting until we were all together so we could take care of each other.

An Alzheimer's ward is a special place. Even though most of those folks do not know the year or who is President.... they are a family. And when things are "off", they are all "off". Swan told you about our friend "E" who is a retired minister. Last night the staff put him to bed, but he fussed until they got him up and back into his wheelchair. He paced the hall all night. Back and forth in front of Mom's room. He was still pacing when Tom and I left last night. Today, Swan and I went to him and told him about her passing. We thanked him for his friendship and caring for Mom and how much we felt like he was a part of our family. He stopped eating his pureed lunch and was still for a moment, then went back to eating. Later he came to us in the hallway and silently sat with the family. The Vitas minister saw him and went to him and thanked him for his ministry and told him that no matter what the condition, it is always a minister's job to watch over his flock and that "E" had done a good job watching over Mom.

Later another resident came to Mom's doorway, as we were getting ready to leave. We told her she could come in. She stepped in, looked at Mom, closed her eyes in prayer. What gentle souls these delightful people have. And how much we can learn if we just take the time to reach out to them.

For those of you who have already extended you love and concern....we thank you from the bottoms of all of our hearts. The next few days will be pretty full in our household and we might not be around. But know this.... we appreciate each and every one of you.

Now, go hug your families...dammit!

T

Good-Bye...

She has always been a petite little lady with a fiesty spirit but that spirit is mighty quiet these days..... except when she howls in pain as the Hospice nurses and the nursing aides, who have cared for her this past year, try to shift her to hold the bed-sores at bay. Liquid Morphine and Ativan are her only comforts when she cries out for help from the unseen fears of her mind. Tom's Mom is finally losing her battle with Alzheimer's. Her husband of nearly 65 years sits by her bed and silently weeps. Swan and I gather the parts and pieces of our lives and hold Tom together so he can care for them both. Family has rallied to fill in the cracks and shore up the walls. Tom's staff has fallen in line and is carrying his awesome work load, to give him time to comfort his dying Mother and grieving Father.

When I first met this bundle of fire, she didn't care for me at all. After all, in her eyes, I was the woman standing in the way of her son returning to the wife who pushed him away. Set in her ways, she doesn't believe in divorce. "People work things out.. For the kid's sakes." It took us a long time to become comfortable with each other, even as "our ex-wife" and I worked at keeping all of us together as a big ole' blended family, she struggled. And just when she and I finally reached our understanding, she started slipping away from us.

She loves red. She loves flowers and gardening. Makes the best applesauce I have ever had. Has won prizes for her cooking and was written up in the paper for her recipes. She was the 1st WOMAN insurance adjuster. She has a wicked sense of humor. Twinkling eyes. A quick tongue. She gave birth to my beloved Tom, and for that, I will be forever grateful. She is no bigger than a minute but fills the room with her presence.

I come from a family where EVERYONE is welcome. EVERYONE is loved. EVERYONE is included. Tom's parents never had that. Both were orphans. He was discarded by a mother that didn't want a growing son when her marriage ended in divorce, so he was left on the streets. She lost her parents and relied on the charity of family, often being a "Cinderella" for them. They have no concept of inclusion. Just yesterday, as I sat rubbing Mom's back to calm her, Tom's Dad said to me "It never dawned on me, but Sue is like family, isn't she?". I said, "She certainly is. A sister to me. MY Mother treats her like a daughter." And he sat there with a startled expression on his face. She has been involved in EVERY family function for the past 5 years, at least, and he just noticed yesterday that she is "Family". Every family dinner held at our condos is eaten at her table.... and he just noticed. Today, I am tired... but I am also no longer frustrated with his lack of awareness. Yesterday, he noticed that Swan is part of the family. A HUGE step for a 89 year old man who is losing the love of his life. Today, I will cut him some slack.

Swan and I have organized things to make the end easier on them. We have the parts and pieces ready. We will be there with open arms and broad shoulders for however long we are needed.

After all.....we are family.
T

Happy Birthday, Swan!

Sisters by Heart

We shared so much laughter,
We shared so many tears,
We have a spiritual bond that grows stronger each year,
We're not sisters by birth,
but we knew from the start,
We belong together, my Sister-Heart.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the birth of our dear Swan.

So, raise a glass and share a toast to my dearest Sister-Heart.

My life is fuller, sweeter, crazier, and complete with you in it.

I wouldn't change a thing!

Happy Birthday, Sue!

I love you!!
T

Sad Times

Just over a year ago, we moved Master's mother into a nursing home facility, believing that she was very near the end of her life as her Alzheimer's had progressed. None of us believed that she would still be with us now, a year later. She is a tough lady -- a real fighter. This last week though, has seen her come into a renewed stage of decline and seeming crisis. Again, we are sensing that we are nearing the end. It is a time of deepening sadness for us all as we try to find ways to hold onto each other, remember, and say goodbye to one who is increasingly unable to find words to say her own goodbyes.

So... if it seems quiet here, you'll know why.

swan