Some of the very best, brightest, most illuminated writing about polyamory is being done by pepomint at Freaksexual. In the last few days, she's put up a lengthy and amazing piece on the connection between love and sex in polyamory relationships. It is a very deep, challenging, and comprehensive exploration -- far better than anything I've ever read on the subject. There's a lot there to contemplate and digest, but here's a bit of material (extremely condensed and cut down from the original) that I think we too often try to soft pedal, duck, or just not address in talking about what polyamory is all about:
...it is clear that love is strongly associated with relationships... our culture separates out sex and love and treats them differently, love much more positively than sex...Sex is not necessarily the most important part of love, but the presence of or potential for sex is a mandatory requirement for love...the connection between love and sex is an “A is not B, but A requires B” relationship...relationships definitely require love...we find that relationships also require sex.
There are people who contemplate the beginnings of polyamory. Those people quite often read the tiny bit of published material and envision some sort of beast that can be defined by rules and agreements and tidy little arrangements. I remember one friend, beginning the journey into polyamory, who created an elaborate set of "rules" with her partner about what was and was not OK as they began to form new connections. In the first year or so of their poly-ness, they spent enormous amounts of energy dealing with the continual fallout from broken "rules." Another "correspondent" that I had a few exchanges with, was all wound up because she and her partner had agreements that defined exactly what and how much "sex" and "emotional" involvement with "others" was acceptable in their poly relating. Of course, in the actual event, it didn't go that way at all, and she was completely devastated. She'd read all the stuff about honesty and full disclosure and working things out together, and just couldn't understand "where they had gone so wrong." Oh good grief!
The simple reality (or maybe not so simple), that those of us who are doing and talking about poly ought to be clearer about is this: People forming relationships will, in spite of intention or agreement or rules, sometimes without any planning on any side, perhaps fall in love and respond to one another sexually. That may or may not be something that partners anticipate and discuss in so many words, but it really doesn't matter. It is the nature of the beast. We can keep on talking about the "niceties" that are our stock in trade -- the things that make us seem a little more socially acceptable (maybe), but we ought not keep on peddling bullshit among ourselves and to those who are trying to learn from us.
One more lesson. More about control and not control. I know that I tend to hold the edges pretty close, and that beyond the edges are fearful places for me. Many say that jealousy is about fear. That might be. Sometimes fear is just fear. Whatever. The truth is that there is no way to control things once you embark on a relational dynamic that opens the door for other relationships. Give it up.
swan
one of my biggest fears has always been that i will become the velveteen rabbit.. well used.. well loved and put on a shelf when a new "toy" is more appealing......
ReplyDeleteit was my original fear..... and is even more so now that i am older... a bit worn around the edges.... and feeling less than perfect......
morningstar (owned by Warren)
This is one I share with you, my friend. That shelf is far easier not to think about when you are young and still fully "in the game." Much harder to avoid thinking about and planning for the shelf when time begins to take its toll.
ReplyDeleteThat may be one of the real benefits for those who follow the traditional path of marriage and monogamy. There's a scrap of a guarantee in that marriage contract I suppose. Not much of one, to be sure, if the statistics are to be believed, but there at least nominally.
For those of us who are forging paths outside that "norm," there is only the raw courage that we called forth as we set out to go our own way. Courage is a funny thing. We think of it as something fierce and proud and strong, but it is, in my experience, sometimes a very tiny flame that burns just brightly enough to see us through the lonely dark night.
swan
I've never understood the idea of attempting to control this kind of thing, but most other poly people I've ever met have some rules in place regarding love. Often they say love is not allowed with "others" or sometimes they say, "Only if we both fall in love" or something similar. You're right, emotions can not be predicted or controlled.
ReplyDeleteThe velveteen rabbit feeling is possible even for us young folks. This is especially true when your lover is in the throes of a new relationship/ infatuation. That's normal, to be infatuated at first. It's the classic relationship cycle. That doesn't make it any easier to watch, though.
Once, I had a girlfriend who met another man and they threw themselves wholly into their new relationship. I was very jealous but worked hard to put it aside because I knew infatuation was normal and that it did not mean I would be replaced. One day I came home and she told me she was thinking about marriage with this man,and did not see where I would fit in that picture.
If that had been my first experience with poly, perhaps I wouldn't have been open to it again. But, being open to lots of love also means making yourself vulnerable to lots of hurt.
I'm sorry for writing such a novel here, I hope it is at least coherent!
Hello Bridget -- Thanks for commenting, and you were surely (at the very least) coherent :-)
ReplyDeleteIt is good to have you here, talking from your experience. There are far too few connections in my world with people who really do some or all of this "stuff." The rare people I find who truly "get" it and are willing to speak clearly from their experience are valuable companions.
Regards, Sue