Communication -- Again or Still or ...

It is the single most frequently offered piece of advice in the lifestyle: communicate, communicate, communicate. All of us know and understand how essential it is to really be open, honest, transparent within our power relationships.

It seems easy enough, but it turns out, at least for me (and therefore us), that it is pretty complicated -- on a whole lot of levels.

I communicate for a living. I know all kinds of patterns and methods for getting information communicated effectively, and for making sure that I understand that the "communication" has really happened. It isn't that I don't know HOW to do it in that situation. But, put me into "slave" mode, and I seem to struggle mightily to figure out what to communicate, and how to communicate it.

He and I ran into a major problem with this issue again last weekend. It really does seem perennial for us. We seem to work this problem periodically, sort things out, adjust and tweak the way we handle how we convey information to one another -- and then smash right into it again in a matter of weeks or months.

It really does seem to be our greatest single point of conflict and frustration with one another. We both often end up feeling like we are at cross purposes, not being heard, discounted... It is not a recipe for happy relating on any level.

So, I've begun to wonder what it is that I might identify, in terms of communication, that could be fixed or changed to make things go more smoothly. It just doesn't seem to me that the admonishment to "communicate" is all that helpful. I am researching causes of communication "block," and hoping to find resolutions. One of the first places I found that offered really extensive and powerful information is here.

Starting with a definition of "communication:"
Any perceived behavior that causes a “significant” mental, emotional, physical, or
spiritual effect on another person is “communication.”

Well, alright then! I like that definition. A lot. Because, I think that we too often come to believe that we are communicating only in ways that are conscious and intentional -- speaking or writing, mostly. One of the places that I think our communication gets "complicated" and even sort of foggy, is that I pick up on (or imagine that I am picking up on) things that He does NOT say. I won't try and hang it on the power dynamic, but the reality is that I watch and listen very carefully with Him. Every gesture, every facial tic, every nuance of inflection -- all of these convey meaning. The way He moves, sits, stands, and sleeps, all speak to me just as loudly as if He were delivering a prepared oration. That's probably good, to some degree, but it can also mean that I am interpreting things that aren't actually intended (because I am just like that).

So, part of the difficulty seems to me to be that I need to get better or clearer about the "intentional" part of the communication. I need to catch myself and take notice of when I am interpreting and reacting to what was ACTUALLY said, and differentiate that from all the other non-intentional "noise" that I get hold of. I really think that I don't keep track of which is which, and that can confuse me, and then, Him.

Back to my little, handy dandy, communication website -- I discovered this list of six personal needs that are the "aim" of all intentional communication. It seems that, when it comes down to it, we talk to each other for a very limited set of reasons. We want to --

• gain or keep respect



• give or get information



• vent (release thoughts and feelings, and be accepted)



• cause change (reduce discomfort or gain pleasure)



• cause or maintain excitement



• avoid significant discomforts.

As I try to work my way down through that list, I think that I tend to communicate with Him from all those needs.

It may seem odd that part of what I want is to "gain or keep respect." After all, in our sort of power dynamic, the issue of respect might seem to be a pretty much one way street. At the very least, it seems to me that it technically gets defined as "within His purview" to set the parameters for that with regard to me. Still, I'm human, and I do have a pretty intense sense of self-worth. I can and do get my back up when I get the impression that I am being "discounted" in some significant fashion. Even as I serve and submit, I find that I need to know that it all matters to Him -- that He notices and values me and what I do for Him. When that doesn't come through to me; when I start to feel like I am just a stand-in for something or someone else -- or when I get convinced that He really is beginning to believe that I have NO VALUE; I can get into a communication mode that is neither attractive, or particularly helpful. Maybe, if I live another 50 years, I'll get the "it doesn't matter to me as long as He is happy" thing down that is appropriate to a "good" slave, but I'm sure it will take me at least that long.

As far as trying to get or give information, that seems pretty basic, but it isn't as simple as it may seem. I really do try to keep Him up on all the important details that He needs to know about me and about our lives together. But I filter. I do. I sift and sort and measure His levels of stress -- and then I choose what to communicate. Often, I make a decision that a particular need or want can be put off or denied rather than add to His levels of stress and exhaustion. Part of me wonders if that is an OK choice/decision for me to make -- ever. On the other hand, I believe that caring for Him is a primary purpose for my life, and He simply doesn't need all of the stuff that goes down in our world loaded on His shoulders. So, sometimes I am communicating to "not give" information.

On the other hand, I think I probably don't do a very good job of communicating to "get" information. I WANT information, and I need information from Him in order to feel safe and secure and stable and all of that. If He chooses to give me the sort of information that keeps me feeling like I'm "in the loop" in His life, then things can go along pretty well most of the time. But He can and does choose to not always pass on information. There are times when I am "out of the loop" precisely because He has kept me there. Given that I'm like a bat, homing in on His every move and hanging on His every word, all that does is set me into obssessive imagining mode. I begin, when that happens, to imagine things and make up explanations for what I can see. How much better it would probably be if I'd just learn to say something gentle and quiet like, "I have the feeling that there is _________________ happening, and I am worried or concerned or frightened or whatever..." I imagine that would, possibly, work to get me a good bit more information than I get by simply waiting and stewing about things.

When I get into "vent" mode, things can get dicey. At the point where I feel like my wants and needs and feelings are just not being handled with any sort of attentiveness, I sometimes lose it and get stomping angry and insistent. That does not go well, as you might imagine. So, of all the communication "reasons," venting is probably the one that I probably ought to curtail to some large degree.

The notion of communicating to "cause change" is, maybe, the most interesting of all of these. As I think about it, when I am in this mode, it really is frequently a sideways attempt to control things. I want to have life arranged in some way that makes me more comfortable and less anxious -- my instinct to try and reduce discomfort is largely oriented toward the emotional and psychological side. I am always stunned when I catch myself doing this. It is in total opposition to the choices that I've made, and the relational dynamic that I say I want. If I were being consistent with my stated path, I'd never, ever go there. Of course, I have already admitted, that I am not "that kind of submissive."

The other two purposes for intentional communication tend to run at cross purposes in my life. When there is the intent to cause or maintain excitement, it is almost a certainty that I'm going to be subjected to significant discomfort. If I am into avoiding that discomfort, it is likely that life is going to get a whole lot less exciting. So, it is a pretty good bet that I am going to get hung up between these two modes on a regular basis. I've regained a significant part of the inclination to happily engage with the sadomasochistic part of my relationship, but I am still often frightened about actually going there. I just am not all that sure of myself yet. This part, I believe can get better, as it has been doing, with time.

There is so much more to think about in regard to the level of communication that I engage in with Him. My newfound resource for this topic has lots and lots and lots of information. I am likely to spend a lot more time there, and perhaps here, talking about what I come to understand on this subject.

swan