Contact Info --

Email us --

Our Other Blogs --
We are three adults living in a polyamorous triad family. The content here is intended for an adult audience. If you are not an adult, please leave now.


In Response

Golly, I might not be the writer Swan is, but I can respond to some of the comments over her last post.

We are all in this for the long haul. We are trying to find a way, within AA, to make the system work. We are being told "God, as you know Him" and then told that doesn't really mean a religious "God".... our "God" can be the group, a coffee cup, whatever works for us. We usually keep our mouths shut about our spirituality, but when others in our groups express concerns, and their concerns are pushed aside, I feel, that person needs some support and to know that they are not alone in their concerns. Having the trainer treat us as if our concerns about the excessive religiosity are not important, is like someone telling me that I have no value as a person and maybe I should just "check out". After the trainer stomped out of the class and we went to break, almost the entire class came to me and said they felt just like we did, but it was either their first class, or they were too new to express their concerns. They wanted to know they appreciated my standing up. And one older woman came to me in the restroom and hugged me. She is not a very physical woman, appears closed off in class, but she just hugged me and said "I support you all the way, we feel exactly the same".

This is an intensive rehab program of 6 weeks. Tom goes 3 days/nights a week, 3 hours a day and Swan & I go 2 nights a week for 3 hours an evening. We do not have the luxury of walking away, we are all fighting for our survival as a family and trying to maintain the court's requirements. I work 50 hours a week and when I add 6 additional class hours as well as 1 AA/NA meeting weekly, I am exhausted by the weekend. Once this 6 weeks is over, Tom will go 2 hours a week to continuing care and Swan and I will go 2 hours a month for continuing care. Until we get to the "Continued Care" portion of this program, I do not see where I can reasonably fit any Al-Anon meetings in my life without jeopardizing my health.

And regarding Al-Anon, I have issues about that too. My brother went through a recovery program 23 yrs ago. I helped as much as I could and attended 2 different Al-Anon meetings at 2 different locations. I found them to be a bunch of bitter, pissed off people who spent each meeting ranting and railing about their family member's drunken need to ruin THEIR lives. There was no education, there was no support - save the nods of agreement at each rant, there was nothing there that caused me to think it would help me help my brother's and my family's recovery. So you can see that I am taking the suggestions of Al-Anon with more than a single grain of salt.

I will try to find a meeting that works, because I am in this for all of us, but that will wait for at least a few more weeks. I need to get through the intensive part of recovery first.

And starting Tuesday, I start dealing with the probate issues of my Mom's estate. I have to say, I thought it would not be hard handling the legal aspects of Mom's death, but each and ever day sucks even more than the last. I go to her house every Sunday and do a little more, but it never seems to be enough.

For those of you who have been supportive of my family, I appreciate that support more than you can imagine. And for those of you who are not, I thank you to be more gentle with my family. We are all just doing the best we can.



  1. you all know - I hope - that as much as I haven't written much of anything here recently - you are still in my thoughts....... This is not an easy road for any of you.. and I admire your tenacity to stick with it and find a way - any way - to make it work for you.

    hugs to all

  2. Anonymous7:58 PM

    Hey guys, this is the Al-Anon-pushing atheist commenter. Yeah, I hear you on the small-tight-knit bitchfest Al-Anon meetings where the regulars have been going for years and years and never growing, they just want to complain about their alcoholics; I've been to those types of meetings too. Annoying, nonproductive and even destructive; look at you, you got so turned off, you don't want to go and I don't blame you. And those (mostly) women in those types of groups never get any better; it's just sad.

    I hope you do give it another whirl when things calm down. I went to at least 20 different Al-Anon meetings; different days, different rooms, different people, and across 5 different cities before I settled on the ones I liked the best. Obviously the ones I liked the best were focused on healing, were as generically spiritual as possible and had strong, nonjudgmental leadership. But I had to try a bunch out before I found the ones that "fit", it's true.

    I'm lucky in that the first one I went to was awesome; *nobody* was bitching, it was filled with lots of positive energy and truths that hit my gut, lots of people who were actually working the program and not just blabbing about it.

    If I hadn't had that great experience with that first meeting I went to, I don't know that I would have gone back. Of course, every so often someone new who didn't understand yet or someone who was used to that kind of thing being accepted would show up but they'd finally run down with all the complaining and then someone with more experience would change the focus of the group back to working the steps. That's what's supposed to happen with good meetings that are on track. Not like your "leader" who walked out; wtf?

    Again, good luck!

  3. The rest of the group supported you, T, and that was comforting for you.

    I wonder if Mark Twain had his tongue in his cheek when he said "When you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect"? I like this quote, find there's a lot of sense in it and often act on it.

  4. Anonymous9:46 PM

    The trainer is human, the job is what is important for them in the course you are taking. Getting as many people (many court ordered with no desired to be there), through the process is their primary goal. They have neither the time or resources to work one on one with anyone for any extended period of time. They have to cover as much ground as possible with as many people as possible through the process in a way that the majority can understand. Individualism can come later, the importance right now is to learn the most and then LATER work out the details of what parts work and don't work. Anyone can start an AA meeting, if Tom wants to break away from any one group he goes to and create a group for poly-household, non mainstream religion drunks, then he can. Period. If he wants to create an AA meeting for cat worshiping, eco-friendly, clothing optional drunks - then he can.

    Individuality comes after absorbing what has worked for others. Without the experience of what works for others it is often more difficult to determine which parts or what will work best for each one. Education and knowledge of the most information will help the most in making a personal educated decision about any one individual life - in my personal opinion.

    I truly cannot understand the negativity over swan's post - I thought it was an awesome breakthrough!


  5. Here,let me help you with that knot - you know, the one at the end of the proverbial rope! Let's tie a good, strong, sturdy one that's a little easier to hang on to.

    You CAN get through this.

    As always, you have my support, encouragement, and courage for the living of these days, which will not last forever. Truly they won't. Tie that knot tight, and hang on with all your might.



Something to add? Enter the conversation with us.