This week has been easier on me. I am not as overwhelmingly heartbroken. I am not crying at the drop of a hat. I am using less tissues. I am not fighting the "NEED" to run to Mom's house to touch her stuff and stand in her bedroom, sniffing her bottle of perfume. Tom went with me to the probate attorney, we have dealt with this lawyer before when setting up the POA documents for Mom. Both Tom and the attorney get along well, and I am SO thankful Tom was there, because I would have been confused and lost without him.
Insert public service announcement here: DO A DAMNED WILL AND GET YOUR DOCUMENTS TOGETHER. I struggled to find everything I needed for the attorney. I thought Mom was organized, but I am still finding stuff. I had to track down and reorder stuff for Sue to do Mom's taxes. And I still don't know what her retirement from the bank means for us. They won't disclose anything on the phone. But they have asked for Mom's and Dad's death certificates and information on my brother and myself. Maybe there will be a surprise, but I am trying not to hope for anything.
Home is a bit better. The egg shells are gone, most of the time. I was surprised to acknowledge the fact that I was always on edge and wanting to hide when Tom was drinking excessively. And felt guilty all the time about leaving Sue to deal with it. Living in the 2 condos, I could come to my side and be away from everything. I am ashamed that I left everything on Sue's shoulders when things got ugly. The "Goodbye Letter" was hard on all of us, especially Tom. He is depressed much of the time. Sue and I worry that we are not helping in a meaningful way. He has trouble dealing with tough days and I guess that is understandable. When you have been drinking as long as he has, there have not been many days that he dealt with his feelings sober. It is hard to learn how to deal with sadness, depression, and basic bad days when you're raw and alcohol-free.
This will be our last week of intensive rehab. I am looking forward to having our Wed and Thurs evenings back. Sue and I will move to 2 hours a month and Tom will reduce from 3-3 hour classes per week to 1-3 hour class a week. I will probably try to find an Al-Anon meeting to try. I say this with great trepidation, as my previous 2 tries Sucked the Big Wazoo. But, Tom goes to 2 meetings a week plus classes, I should be able to find an Al-Anon class that I can choke down for 1 hour a week. If I have to check out several, there has to be one that will work, right?
Work is still overwhelming, as I am working a minimum of 48 hours a week. I can work more if I want, but right now the 48 is plenty. This may be my life for quite a while. The people in the department say the team has been on mandatory OT for over 10 years, so I don't expect that to change. But I enjoy the work and the people around me, so that makes a difference.
We all need a break. I have the week of March 21st off and it is Sue's school's Spring Break. Tom as been told by rehab and half of probation that he can go out of state. He still needs to get the OK from the other part of probation. If everything falls in place, the 3 of us are heading to Denver. I have never met Sue's grandson and because of work, I have had to miss the last 2 vacations to Sue's Mountains. I hope it all works out. I am trying hard to not get my hopes up because we REALLY NEED a break and I don't want to be disappointed.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and we would all be better and happier and healthier. I want us to all get a break and have something really good happen for us. I know, many think "good" is already happening, but I want something that we ALL agree is a "good thing".
Be gentle with yourselves.