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We are three adults living in a polyamorous triad family. The content here is intended for an adult audience. If you are not an adult, please leave now.

3/30/2011

Change

This place is changing -- and I'm sure that is not news to anyone who has been following along.

We are different with each other, and learning to be different for ourselves.  The collar that I once wore so proudly hasn't been out of its basket on my night table in months.  In the beginning, that bothered me, but it has come to be just a fact -- and that feels OK.  I sometimes look at the impressions of the cutting that hang on our bedroom wall, and feel the ever present itch of those scars in my flesh -- and ponder what it might come to mean to wear His initials on my back if we are no longer Master and slave, or Owner and property, or whatever it was that the marks connoted when He first made them.  But for right now, I feel comfortable that He and I will always be SOMETHING  to each other.  I have no idea what the shape of our relationship will be as we learn and grow and change, but I am no longer terrified that we will come to be strangers.  We will be "us," and it feels like the labels and the protocols and the structures may not be so important.  Or maybe I am projecting too far out.  I just don't know.

I do know that continuing to hope to be able to come here and write about power exchange and D/s the way I once did is a frustrating and fruitless wishing for what was, and that doing that keeps me from looking fully at what is.  We were like that, and it was meaningful and real and powerful WHEN it was the right thing for us.  It isn't that anymore.  We are making something new and it is, as yet, too new and unformed to even be able to name it.  We will have to simply watch and wait.

I have, on more than one occasion, wondered if I should take this blog down and just go off to live my quiet, simple, plain life.  I can't imagine that I'll ever be or feel "vanilla" in my bones, but maybe it is just a matter of waiting long enough.  Maybe after 6 months or 7 months or a year, all of that kinky stuff will just fade off into warm, fuzzy, glowing memories of my youth.  I can say that and, as I watch myself react to it, I am amazed at how calm I feel about it.  It isn't that scary.

So, here sits the blog that has chronicled every move and every step and every emotion and every shift.  I feel like something happens for me when I can write here.  One of my "anonymous" fans accuses me of being possessed of a towering ego (well, that's what the anonymous would write if he/she had that much literary capacity), and probably that is accurate.  This blog has been about me, mostly.  Because of this place, I've "met" people from around the country and around the globe, and they have come to feel like friends and confidants.  I have not always been a good friend, but I do value those relationships and I want them to continue -- at least I'd like that to happen.  Who knows what those on the other end of the "relationship" might come to feel about it, especially if this becomes the "World's Most Boring Blog."  That too, will perhaps become clear in time.  I only know that I want this outlet to remain for the days when I may need to still pour out words.  In the beginning, there was hardly anyone to read the words I wrote -- and it was alright.  If things would go back to that, I think I'd be more ok with that than having no outlet at all for the words.

Nothing earth-shaking in all of that.  It is just the truth about my thinking tonight.  I guess part of me wants to "let people off the hook."  Telling the truth about the state of our relationship seems the kindest and fairest thing I can do at this moment.

swan

19 comments:

  1. You know swan I felt very much that way when Warren and i got back together... even now most days I wonder as I sit down and look at the blank page which is my blog.. what there is to write that others will find interesting.

    Then the words come and I write.. most of the time is more vanilla than kink... and yet my readers still come...

    Because they know - maybe better than I know - that I am more than just kink.. more than just submissive.. and they are interested in all the parts that make me.

    I think you will find it is the same with the Heron Clan - you write and they will come.. because you are so much more than just a submissive or slave or property..

    hugs

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  2. Morningstar said it better than I ever could. There are many parts that make up all of us, speaking for myself, I am interested in all parts! abby

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  3. Impish111:07 PM

    Don't let me off the hook, I don't want to break up. I don't know what to call this relationship that we form across this bridge. It's an odd sort of thing when you think about it...it is and it isn't, but I do care and would miss you and your intelligence and insights. It may be an odd sort of friendship, but it's a friendship all the same.

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  4. Hello Sue, good to read another post from you.
    It's always good to pay attention to and enjoy what's happening right now. After all, there's no other time but now, that's all we ever get. If you don't make the best of it, you have wasted it.

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  5. please stay- all of you~
    hugs~

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  6. Morningstar put it so very well. <3

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  7. Morningstar did put it well when she said that your friends are interested in the whole of you and not just the parts which relate to D/s.

    For me, part of that whole you is the part who, at least to my eyes, has never been someone who's been too worried about whether your readers will find what you write interesting. You write what you need to write when you need to write it.

    You know I've vascillated for a few years now over my involvement with my own blog. I've experimented with public, private, half and half, not writing at all. You, more than anyone else my dear friend, have taught me that what matters most is that I'm happy with what I'm doing at any given time, and what others think doesn't matter.

    So, while I know you will have written about this turning into the 'worlds most boring blog' a little tongue in cheek, you may well have some competition for that title....winks and grins.

    Like you, I sometimes don't feel as if I've been a very good friend. I've not been in touch with any of my friends as much as I could have done this past 6 months or so, beyond responding to those who've been in touch with me. Whether that's damaged friendships, only time will tell.

    Oh dear, this has turned into quite a long comment. I guess in summary what I've tried to say is be here when you need to be, write about whatever you want to write about, and stay true to yourself. As for the rest, what will be will be.

    much love and hugs

    xxx

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  8. Hi Swan, yes I see you changing. It's different now. But I still love your writing, all three of you. I read the bariatric blog and loved it. Actually it was my first read every day. I suspect I'd read and enjoy your grocery list. Write what you like, when you like. Don't feel pressure to write. Maybe that's one of the things that needs to change? Good luck.

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  9. Change is rarely entirely comfortable, but it is how we grow into whatever it is that we are becoming.

    Those of us that care about you folks will care about what you three write, because we care about *you*. Personally, I was coming for the polyamorous side of things much more than I was the BDSM side, and that appears to be going through the life-pangs that any relationship goes through over time. It is good to be reminded that such things are experienced by people other than myself.

    In the end, C.S.Lewis had it right: "We read to know that we are not alone."

    ...and you guys do that for *me* just fine...

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  10. I know there are people who read blogs for the titillation they can get, the thrill of reading about private, intimate doings between people.
    But that's not me.
    I read here, and care here, and share here, out of love, and interest in human nature, the whole person. For you see, I am a whole person too. I learn about myself as I read in the places my dear friends provide.
    Follow your heart and share as you choose and see fit - in ways that feel good for you. It doesn't matter if readers approve or not.

    xoxo
    Tapestry

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  11. I haven't commented in a while, but I have been reading and will continue to read all that you write - all three of you! I know I am in the running for the "world's most boring blog" and most days that frustrates me to no end. You seem to handle it with grace and calm, and I admire that as I have admired everything about the Heron Clan. Thank you for this post as it makes me feel better about the changes in my life. I know everything will keep on changing...so glad to see you all finding new pathways to each other!

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  12. Anonymous1:02 AM

    Things are always going to change. As long as all of you are willing to change along with it, it will all works out in the end.

    One thing I would like to see change in this blog is to be more accepting of people with different ideas.

    Intead of feeling :Oh here goes another anonymous, his.her opinion is certanly invalidated. haha funny jab jab, and then of course they go away.

    A few of us have stayed around just reading.silently cheer leading when it was needed and frowning when you gave those anonymous posts harsh words, The fool became the fool.

    Yet, sometimes their points are valid and they still get shunned. Two weeks later and there points are proven.

    Not all are wrong and not all are right.

    Keep posting, let us cheer you when we thnk you need it. Let us tell you when we think it would be easier this way...and so onnnn.

    Oh yeah, and be prepared to ramp it all back up SLOWLY cause you will find after so muc time away, your body wont handle near as much as it did right before it stopped.
    Anon K

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  14. swan, please stay. I have read your blog post (all of you) for a year or so now, and have read in awe of your strength your fortitude and most of all your love for each other.
    It's about the whole person that makes up you that we all seem to love most...please stay.
    HSxx

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  15. I may not comment all that frequently, but I check the blog so often to see what's new that when I type www. into my computer, it automatically fills in the heronclan.blogspot.com.

    That should let you know how much I love to keep up with what's happening...

    It's not about BDSM for me, it's about all of you as people.

    Love,
    Lyn

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  16. A blog is rarely written for the audience. The blog is for you. Whatever you want. That's the beauty of it all.

    You are bigger than just your "kink"... and most of us are too:) We come here because we like it. Keep writing what your heart tells you.

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  17. I hope you stay and ponder "aloud" what happens in your life..as you feel like writing it down.

    I've been amazed and delighted by your blog and the journey that the three of you are taking.

    I'd hate not knowing more ~~

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  18. Surely anyone who writes a blog stands guilty of having a "towering ego". Is it all about us? Definitely?! LOL.

    More seriously, whenever you want to write, we are all here to share it :)

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