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Never -- Yet

It was just a few days ago, talking about "pet peeves," that kaya wrote:
People who crow about how they would never do [insert whatever shocking thing here], how they can’t comprehend anyone doing ‘it’, that they are just too good/special/moral/enslaved to stoop to such levels and how those who DO do ‘it’ are missing something, some secret that only those who are too good/special/moral/enslaved are smart enough to get.

Now, to be honest, I don't actually know what THAT bit refers to.  I would guess that there is probably some gossipy, judgmental,  self-righteous, nastiness going on at Fetlife, but I really can't be sure.  I don't get around the blogging circle much anymore, and I never have had the time or patience for Fetlife.  

Whatever it is that got kaya going, I'm relatively sure that the specific bit of gossip she referred to isn't about me or us.  However important and life-changing our problems have seemed to US lately, I'm aware that most will have simply found it all dull and tiresome.  If there are people making judgments about the things we've dealt with and the choices we've made along the way, they are opting not to put those opinions out here in front of us.  It could be that there is back channel talk happening -- people chit-chatting all about what they would or would not do/tolerate/put up with/accept, and on and on and on.  It is possible that there are those "true" slaves who are convinced that they would have done much better at a number of turns along this path; people who have it all figured out nice and neat and tidy.  I can well imagine that going on -- and in my head, I can hear myself respond that it is really just a matter of not enough life experience.  If there is one thing I have discovered along 56 years of living it is that I really don't know a lot of things:
  • I don't know how much I can endure.
  • I don't know how deeply I believe what I believe.
  • I don't appreciate the distance I will go to help and support someone who needs it.
  • I don't completely comprehend the power of love and trust and hope.
  • I don't fully credit my own courage and determination.
  • I don't always notice how optimistic I am in the face of challenges.
 Most people who state categorically that they wouldn't EVER do, could NEVER do, just can't believe anyone WOULD do ... whatever it is, have just not lived long enough to understand that the most likely end of those statements is probably, "YET."

YET is the ultimate linguistic nod to the reality that the future is an unknowable, unpredictable, uncontrollable vastness.  YET concedes that we will all grow, change, adjust, and adapt as circumstances move us from moment to moment.  We will live and we will learn and we will come to find the people we are in the doing of that.  We each must, in living day to day, leave the past behind, live every single moment, and move on to what comes next.  So to those who are feeling superior, smug, or judgmental -- I understand.  It is easy to judge when you haven't learned who you are YET, when you don't know what you are capable of YET, when you do not YET know what you don't know.  It simply isn't time for you YET.

I don't think that it is really possible to package up our life's lessons and hand them off to someone else.  I am pretty seriously convinced that everyone has to go out and learn their own life's lessons, but for what it is worth, here's what we've learned in this last passage:
  • Never is a long time.
  • Now is all we have -- any of us. 
  • We can't know what the future will bring; can't control it however much we might hope to do that.
  • None of us know what we are capable of; what strength we might find in the face of trouble; how sturdy our will might be; how durable our hopes and dreams.

We've hit some pretty major bumps, and it seems we've survived.  We are different, changed from what we once imagined, but still together, still in love, still finding our way day-to-day.  For those who would look askance at our trials and tribulations; who would see our faults, failings, weaknesses, and imperfections; and say to themselves that they would NEVER find themselves in a similar circumstance -- I'd say "yet."  Not "yet."



  1. So very true - every word. As I mature I grow ever more aware that nothing is black and white, everything is shades of gray.

    Judging the actions and behaviors of others is evidence of intolerance. The need to be/feel superior to others is evidence of insecurity. Intolerance and insecurity are immature emotions that are able to pass away with growth, maturity, and experience.

    Basically, I've learned to never say never. :)


  2. You know, I honestly think we all judge a little. We can't help it. Even those of us determined to be inclusive and politically correct judge those who aren't. And I think that for many of us the older we get the more accepting we get. As we realize that we don't have all the answers, just some of the ones for the things we have experienced.

    All of which, although it may not be clear yet, means that I agree with you Swan. We really don't know yet.

  3. Anonymous1:57 AM

    I think that sometimes, it is possible that there are people who truly do not understand or comprehend something that they hear of others doing, living or saying. They have no knowledge of it and it might as well be an entirely foreign language. It is on occasion a case of truly not comprehending something.

    I had a conversation recently with a group of people on some message boards about switches, dommes and male slaves - I have no comprehension of them (because I identify as a female slave and what that means in my lifestyle choices, I'm not a man, not a dominant and not a switch) and was trying to understand them - usually people immediately get defensive when I ask about it because they ASSUME I am in some way attacking their lifestyle choices rather than just asking honest to goodness questions - I have no problem with their choices, I just cannot understand it because of where my point of view comes from. Fortunately, the girl I was talking to "got it" because she had absolutely no comprehension of the choices *I* make or why on earth I would want to make them. So we actually had a very interesting conversation. Usually thought - people just assume I'm being judgemental if I say I don't understand it, so I don't say something and risk offending them and wander about not truly having a working knowledge of what they're talking about.

    I figure when I ask a question and get bombarded with accusations of being judgemental the ones who get defensive and blow up over the questions are really the ones being judgemental of me.

    It's a rock. And a hard place.



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