Ummmm... No

One of THOSE people left this in the comments section recently:

It's not ... endearing for adults to spank other adults to 'teach them a lesson' either. I understand why you guys are always so snippy and iritable. I would be too if my boyf beat me and thought he had the right to.

I am going to assume (or at least act as if I believe), for my own purposes, that this is a glaring example of failure to comprehend anything about sadomasochism as a sexual / erotic orientation.  Maybe, just possibly, this poor person really doesn't understand any of this -- is confused and frightened.  Let's go with that, shall we?

We live an alternative lifestyle that includes elements of BDSM and polyamory.  Some of what He and I do together sexually and erotically (not all of it) falls into the category of sadism and masochism.  He identifies, mostly, as sadistic and Dominant.  I identify, mostly, as masochistic and submissive.  When it suits us, we switch roles and I play at Top while He assumes the bottom role.

Some definitions:

• alternative lifestyle -- a term used to describe someone's preference to living outside the 'normal' constraints of society.
• BDSM-- an acronym that refers to a wide array of sexual and erotic practices including Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism
• polyamory -- a word coined to describe the practice of loving more than one person openly and with the knowledge of one's partners
• sadomasochism -- a term used to describe erotic activities that involve dominance, submission, or the giving and receiving of pain
• 
  
• Dominant -- a person who possesses a dominating persona and enjoying taking control
• submissive -- a person who enjoys giving control over to a Dominant and derives pleasure from serving that person
• switch -- the practice of shifting between the roles of Dominant and submissive, or a person who assumes either role at different times
• Top -- generally applies to the person who assumes control during a scene, usually the one who gives or creates painful stimuli for a partner
• bottom -- generally applies to the person who surrenders control during a scene, usually the one who receives painful stimuli 

BDSM encompasses a wide array of activities.  Some like elaborate bondage while others engage in fire play or wax play or needle play.  There are those who like humiliation, and others who enjoy resistance play, or pony play, or objectification.  People do piercing and cutting and branding and kicking and punching.  Some play with scat or piss or vomit.  There are boot blacks and shoe fetishists.  People tickle and wrap each other up in plastic wrap.  Some like various forms of medical play, and others like playing with electricity.  A few of us are sort of old school and, perhaps a bit boring -- we like spanking, paddling, caning, whipping and various related arts.  Almost nobody gets into all of that.

As different as we are from one another; no matter the breadth of our disparate practices; the idea of consent is at the foundation of what we do.  It is easy for those on the outside of the lifestyle to see sensationalized representations of our kind of sexual practices, and assume that force and coercion is somehow part of the story.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  BDSM partners negotiate.  We talk about who we are and what we want and we design our sexual practices to suit ourselves.  Whatever it might look like from the outside, it is reasonable to assume that partners are acting upon prior agreements, checking in with each other as things proceed, and creating something unique between them.  We do what we do because we like it; because it gives us pleasure; because it connects and fulfills us in ways that no other type of sex can. 

Within the lifestyle, it is fairly common to hear references to "vanilla's" and "vanilla sex."  That is the community's way of designating the non-BDSM, so-called "normal" sex practiced in the mainstream.  We generally recognize that our way isn't for everyone, and I've never met anyone in "the life" who would attempt to prescribe our kinks for anyone else.  That poor frightened commenter needn't worry that the "boyf" will "beat" her, or think he "has the right to" because of us -- or because of people like us.  She ought to negotiate the sort of sex life that works for her -- just as we have.

And one more thing...  I am not feeling "snippy and irritable" because of our spanking play.  I like spanking; crave spanking, eroticize spanking.  Some BIG part of our intimate connection comes precisely because He and I are spanking regularly.  What can make me grumpy and edgy is when the spanking part of our life falls away -- and yes, in recent months, we've done way less of that.  Life happens and we've had a plate full, so "sex" and spanking have been less prominently part of our day to day lives.  It isn't likely to get better anytime soon.  He'll be in surgery on Friday morning and then we'll have weeks and months of rehabilitation and healing.  It is tough to swing a flogger or a paddle when you can't move your shoulder...  Busy is going to be part of the bargain for the next while; and tired; and maybe somedays even grumpy.  That is just the fact.  Don't look if you can't deal with my grumpiness.

swan