Apology

All right.  I'm back here.

I apologize for the dramatics.  There was no real reason, and no excuse for me to take that approach.

A confluence of events and emotions, made up of fear, exhaustion, loneliness, and frustration boiled over, and I threw in the towel, and tried to walk away.

Except that I can't seem to really do it.  The minute that I say I am done; that there is nothing left to say -- that is the point at which a half dozen topics bubble up to the surface of my mind and cause me to regret my hasty decision.  And then there are those of you who wrote to tell me that you care; that you read; that you have found some of my blatherings interesting or helpful or insightful... or something.  I had no idea.

Blogging is hard work.  This blog, by its very nature, requires a level of vulnerability and personal exposure that is very demanding.  For me, writing here, year by year by year, has become a largely solitary pursuit.  There are people that come and read and comment regularly... and I think I am more emotionally dependent on those people than I let myself believe.  I know who doesn't come here anymore either, and I tend to dwell on that.  And there are so many, many voices who have been part of this circle over the years... who are silent.  I miss them too.  A lot.  I pour out my heart on these pages, and I long for a word, just something ... anything from Himself, and His silence is painful.  Add the seemingly endless, and totally unpredictable string of attacks from spiteful and nasty comment trolls, and it can become overwhelming.  I let myself get overwhelmed.

I am sorry.

I am strong (I think), but then I splinter, break, and shatter.

swan