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6/09/2013

Apology

All right.  I'm back here.

I apologize for the dramatics.  There was no real reason, and no excuse for me to take that approach.

A confluence of events and emotions, made up of fear, exhaustion, loneliness, and frustration boiled over, and I threw in the towel, and tried to walk away.

Except that I can't seem to really do it.  The minute that I say I am done; that there is nothing left to say -- that is the point at which a half dozen topics bubble up to the surface of my mind and cause me to regret my hasty decision.  And then there are those of you who wrote to tell me that you care; that you read; that you have found some of my blatherings interesting or helpful or insightful... or something.  I had no idea.

Blogging is hard work.  This blog, by its very nature, requires a level of vulnerability and personal exposure that is very demanding.  For me, writing here, year by year by year, has become a largely solitary pursuit.  There are people that come and read and comment regularly... and I think I am more emotionally dependent on those people than I let myself believe.  I know who doesn't come here anymore either, and I tend to dwell on that.  And there are so many, many voices who have been part of this circle over the years... who are silent.  I miss them too.  A lot.  I pour out my heart on these pages, and I long for a word, just something ... anything from Himself, and His silence is painful.  Add the seemingly endless, and totally unpredictable string of attacks from spiteful and nasty comment trolls, and it can become overwhelming.  I let myself get overwhelmed.

I am sorry.

I am strong (I think), but then I splinter, break, and shatter.

swan

15 comments:

  1. weirdgirl2:02 AM

    even the strong sometimes still need to know, really know, that they are supported in some way, no matter how small.

    welcome back, sue.

    warmest wishes
    weirdgirl

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  2. swan

    So pleased to see you back - really pleased - no, REALLY PLEASED :-)

    Ana

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  3. oh swan - you don't need to apologize - not at all !!! How many times have I shut down - kept quiet - vowed I was done... and yet here I am still blathering away about all sorts of silly stuff.

    i am glad you are back - but as I said in my last comment - I wouldn't have let go of you - there is always email :)

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  4. So happy you are back..I too have contemplated shutting down...just have never really gotten there yet..so i understand. What a great way to start a Monday....swan..Sue..is back!

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  5. I'm so happy you changed your mind - thanks.

    (I do that too as you'll recall, leave and then come back)

    Welcome back,

    -sin

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  6. For the record - I'm still here, still reading. Your last post saddened me, but I figured that was your decision, and it was better than disappearing without a trace, leaving us all to wonder.

    I'm glad you changed your mind. :)

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  7. No, I totally get it. My blog has gone silent for weeks on end, just as it is now. It takes a lot to put yourself out there and remain vulnerable like you do. To say I appreciate it just seems to fall flat. I am more than grateful for what you do.

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  8. I am so glad you are back. There is no need to apologize, I think all the comments above this one back me up when i say we have all done it/do it. You are right, blogging is hard emotional work sometimes, and to stay so exposed for so long can be terrifying. Pulling back is a natural response.

    I really missed your voice. Welcome Back!!!!

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  9. Anonymous4:40 PM

    Swan...Thank you for coming back... I have been here since before the first knee surg. I would really miss getting my morning cup of coffee and sitting down to spend some time with you...evn if you don't know me...Karen

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  10. Happy to hear your voice.

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  11. Ordalie12:07 AM

    I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw you were back, and I truly feel delighted. Thank you so much for changing your mind! Next time you have those feelings that urged you to throw in the sponge, please don't take so drastic measures on the spur of the moment, just sleep on it.
    Hugs!

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  12. Anonymous2:30 AM

    For what it's worth, I'm very glad you are back.
    Rhonda

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  13. tarotmaven@aol.com2:37 AM

    yipppeeee!!!

    so glad about your decision to continue on......

    naxie

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  14. Yaaayyy! I'll add my voice to the chorus of happy folks that you are back! Like so many said, its not the kinkyness that keeps me coming back, its your sweetness, humor, rage and pain all mixed into one. After some nasty treatment I too feel like folding up camp, but like you, things pop up that I want to say. And thank goodness Paladin is more unflappable then I. He has taught me to take a step back, breath, then go with the flow. Where I used to have plenty of knee jerk reactions, now I find I sleep on things before making a final decision. Was thrilled to come see if you had commented back, and find new entries!!!! Whooop whooop whooop!!!
    More hugs and love from us both,
    Mystress and Paladin

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  15. If you stopped, Sue, I just wouldn't believe it.

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